My fellow Americans, election day is upon us, but for many of you, this vote decides much more than just the 45th president of the United States, but where you’ll be living for the next four to eight years. Will you remain where you live now in United States, near to your job, your family and…
With the end of June came a big surprise from the Supreme Court-the Supreme Court STILL exists! I know, this comes as a surprise since everyone on it barely understands how the world functions in this day and age. Modern technology? They are still trying to master the computers of the 90’s. I may be the first person to report about this, just like that British reporter who caught on that ISIS decided to fly one of their flags at a gay pride parade. Her and I are at the forefront of breakout news. That is why I have a secondary surprise for all the people who recognize my brilliance: The Supreme Court, which still exists, has ruled that gay marriage should be legal throughout the country. It’s official! State governments no longer have a say in whether gay people want to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples! Not that they needed marriage to do that, but now they can complain about their ‘spouse’ and not their ‘partner,’ or ‘special person’ or ‘cuddle buddy’.
While some people celebrate and others try to find a cute way to say “I don’t want to get married,” there are those out there who are taking the proper action to fight back against this insanity. One of these heroes is Rick Scarborough, ex-pastor and John McCain look alike. He has been fighting against gay marriage with the strength and tenacity of a rabid bulldog. Even after his plot to stop the advancement of this obvious ruling was put down, he is still kicking and has a plan of his own to put himself down. Before the Supreme Court officials were awoken from their doctor-recommended naps, Scarborough said, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary, we will burn.” Yes! What better way to fight a ruling that hasn’t been backed by any other branch of government than by self-immolation? We must get behind this man and join him in a chant as he lights himself aflame for his beliefs!
Unfortunately, he has not followed through on this promise. He told Huffington post that he did not mean it. The statement was only meant as a reference to a spiritual song, possibly sung by Johnny Cash. That is a much better reference than the biblical story about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. No matter how strong his reference, I cannot help but notice how he fails to follow his game plan. Why are we not marching through the streets in complete disarray, burning to death behind our fearless and burning leader? Was that not the plan? I had prepared my own personal share of kerosene and a boom box with a CD that had the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. I even convinced a friend of mine to run through a gay pride parade on his motorcycle wearing a ghost rider costume. How am I going to take a video of that scene and Rick Scarborough burning for quick internet fame if it will never occur?
Luckily, there may be a way to save this momentous occasion and have it happen as prophesied by Scarborough. In a faraway place known as Texas, there once was a man by the name of Tom DeLay. After failed business attempts, he felt inclined to lead the people through example by partying all night long. This was until he found God and Christ and began to do the work of the Lord in Congress. His career came to an end when he was accused of misappropriating funds and donations to his cause. This was not the reason for his quitting Congress. He felt God calling to him and knew that it was time for a change of career. His good friend Rick Scarborough has backed DeLay as the voice of God. Yes, it may seem odd to think of DeLay as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but it becomes more apparent when you consider Scarborough’s attempts to create the Third Great Awakening in this country:
Coming soon to a town near you.
The lives of many people have been barely affected by an American-breaking decision made by old men in ankle-length skirts. The decision, as it stands, sets a precedent for future lawyers to use in their battles for gays and their desire to be equal in civil standings, to be just like heterosexual couples. But one group of people, led by one man, know that same-sex marriage cannot be allowed in the secular world or it will ruin our spiritual and religious lives.
His name is Rick Scarborough, and he holds the truth about this world. Just like Islamists, he is surprised that God has allowed such a fowl nation like the United States to live on. He has said we are the Great Satan.
Scarborough and his friend Tom DeLay have the solution to all of our problems: Eliminate the government and replace it with religion. No, not some dangerous religion like Islam, but a dangerous religion like Christianity.
Witness the return of Stone Age religion in the 21st century and its attempt to reconcile with the advances of this age.
The day has come….and it is good!
Well, I don’t know about you, but I am really excited about this movie! I can only hope that it appears all over the globe so that everyone recognizes and bows down to the power of Jesus Christ, or be sent to fiery pits of hell.
Mostly, I’m just glad that this happened in the Supreme Court. It made it so much easier to ignore the fact that three simultaneous attacks occurred in Europe. Who wants to discuss something serious with future repercussions, when I can talk about something that has already happened that has no serious effects on the world?
Your reality-escaping author,
I am an extremist! I believe in taking the most difficult and harshest view on the hottest topics. I want people to hear my views and immediately hate me and no longer feel the need to talk with me. And what better way to scare someone away than to tell them that I support gun toting, abortion hating, right flank, conservative, bull headed rich white guys. And I am absolutely set in my ways, even if the society tells me that my ideas are obsolete or outdated. And if I am dealing with one of those types of people, then I am a big government loving, tax raising, abortion supporting, liberal minority who thinks that government is the answer to all of my problems.
Do these views appear to be contradictory and no person should be claiming to be both? The answer to both of those is yes. So then what is a moderate? It is a being that cannot exist within this realm of political upheaval that is called the United States. Sure, most of the country may be somewhere between these two parties we call Democrat and Republican. And sure, maybe people are looking for someone who can use ideas from both parties to truly solve the issues that belong to the government. Now as great as that may sound, You forget that those people are gay, facist, vegan, atheists who want to destroy this country and let the terrorists win. The terrorists win? Do you really want that to happen? No, none of us do! So join an extremist side, or choose a side based on who is in front of you, because our lack of bipartisanship in the government is the only way that we can keep this government so funny and unable to complete a single important task.
Your confused life coach,