Warning: I am about to mix religion and politics. In the biblical story of Barabbas, the religious leaders of Roman-occupied Israel have brought Jesus to be crucified. Pilate, seeing that Jesus has committed no crimes, offers the crowd a choice of which prisoner to release: Jesus, or the prisoner Barabbas, an insurrectionist. The religious leaders […]
Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.
Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!
On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.
I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.
I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.
The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.
The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.
What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.
America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.
It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.
Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,
As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate. When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie. Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders. Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party. Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist. So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!
Most Common Quotes
- (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
- Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
- Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
- Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
- I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
- Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
- Republicans like guns. I’m not even sure if they are human.
- Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
- Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won. And where is my time to talk!”
What a fun debate! Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage. When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404. I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.” Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face! Who reads newspapers anymore? Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading. Okay okay, that’s enough of that. This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats. Ah, who am I kidding. Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!
Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate
Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate
I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending. I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue. So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends. Look at me as a political person who sets the trend. I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself. And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent. Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.
Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET
Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure. I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them. I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings. I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself. I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate. Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.
And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails! And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.
Has refused to comment at this time. But I will get him to talk…somehow…
Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch. Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president. I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.
Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake. Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions. I should have ran as a republican. At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection. I call my hand gun Debbie.
I’m having an affair with Debbie. My wife doesn’t know it yet.
Candidate 5: My face screams that I am a dangerous character. Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine. If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised. My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician. You don’t need to know what I believe. Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.
What an exciting night that was for me. Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.” Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time. Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun! Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean! With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!
Your politically-confused speaker,