Tag Archives: trump

The Return of Cameron Campbell 2018

Hello Internet! My goodness, it has been a year since I have given you the honor of my presence. Cameron Campbell is back! That’s right, like my role model Donald Trump, I spent more time on vacation than working. We can do that because people just love us. I mean, if I chose to shoot someone on the street my fans would stick by me no matter what.

Whoo! So there is a lot to process over the past 12-13 months. The one certainty is this: remember those whiny safe-space liberals who were poised to raise Crooked Hillary into office? Well now there are no safe spaces and everyone is saying Merry Christmas again! I mean, no one was stopping anyone from saying it, but now we can say it with meaning! Not like I wasn’t saying it before, but NOW it reminds me of the little baby Jesus surrounded by the three wise men Big Oil, Clean Coal, and the Trump Foundation and the soon-to-be war against fake news about Mary’s lineage. She is pure American and there is an ample lack of evidence about that!

merry christmas

You might be asking why yourself, “Why has Cameron waited so long to discuss his favorite president that will ever be?” Well first off stop being nosy into my business. The only individuals’ privacies we are allowed to invade must meet the following criteria: famous and acting suspicious/avoiding paparazzi cameras. They want you to think they are avoiding the cameras to try and be regular people. It’s a conspiracy and no restraining order will stop me from learning what Meryl Streep is hiding!

I had to wait a year. Trump was already doing so much for the country BEFORE winning, but how best to study a man’s achievements except by waiting for at least one real one? There have been so many victories that I barely know where to begin. Did I mention being able to say Christmas again?

Oh, there was the firings of sissy leaders like Sally Yates and James Comey who were “concerned about our national security.” Thanks a lot “experts” but Trump already has a plan to handle Putin so calm your libtard brains. Besides they are best friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Except if Hillary is doing it. Remember, Hillary friends with Putin=bad for country. Trump friends with Putin=good for country.

Trump has also become the first president to have the most personnel changes in his first year in office. 34% of his staff have either been fired or moved to another post. This has left some important positions open and work unattended. This is a brilliant tactical move. Think about it! The best way to show we don’t need a department is to show how it fails to accomplish its goal. By not appointing someone to the leadership position, the department is guaranteed to be a failure. We can do this with everything that is not Congress or the White House and create the Department of Everything Government run by Jared Kushner.

The greatest victory was showing the government’s complete lack of ability to accomplish anything. Now that Trump is in the White House and the Republicans control both houses of Congress we see just how incompetent those in power can be. They completely fail to pass laws with a majority and it’s all because of the Democrats. It might be counter-intuitive to blame those who do not have control but here is why we can blame Democrats. Democrats were in power and are now the minority in both houses. If they really wanted power, then they would have continued winning. The oppressed Republicans have become the oppressors and Democrats are too weak to get back up. So what do they do? Mind control. Confusing good ol’ America-loving Republicans with their sweet smelling pastries. I will not buy those delicious muffins if my money is going to help non-working orphans!

The recent government shutdown is the final proof of Trump’s theory. The government had a weekend getaway when Republicans and Democrats sent an agreement about DACA to Trump and he turned it down. It took them time, but they finally came to an agreement that will keep the government running for the next two weeks! Now each side is trying to determine who takes the blame. Back in 2013, Trump posited a theory that the man at the top is the one to blame for a situation going awry. This is why he needed to win the presidential election—to prove his point. It is always the president’s fault! And that is why he took the high ground, put on his big boy pants, and blamed the Democrats. Like any good leader should, split the voters and cause a partisan war.

I could not be happier with this presidency. He has done everything right, from his son who publicly stated he was contacted by a foreign power about sensitive information on their political opponent to labeling Jerusalem as the new location of the US Embassy against literally everyone’s recommendations. His presidency has been nothing but one success after another and I cannot see why people are upset with him. The harmful effect he has had on the political conversation in this country will plague us for years to come. Suck it Germany, we are the first superpower this century to have an actively destructive leader!

Your estranged aunt’s Facebook feed,

Cameron Campbell

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American voters scream “Barabbas!”

Warning: I am about to mix religion and politics. In the biblical story of Barabbas, the religious leaders of Roman-occupied Israel have brought Jesus to be crucified. Pilate, seeing that Jesus has committed no crimes, offers the crowd a choice of which prisoner to release: Jesus, or the prisoner Barabbas, an insurrectionist. The religious leaders […]

https://effarayenjayeye.wordpress.com/2017/01/25/american-voters-scream-barabbas/

There Can Only Be One: 2016 Election Conclusion: Part 1

Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.

Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!

On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.

I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.

I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.

The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.

The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.

What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.

Actually…
America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.

It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.

Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,

Cameron Campbell

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell