Tag Archives: sex

Questions For The New Year

Dear Sheep,

A shepherd is here to lead you into the new year! Now I know with a new year comes the ‘same old same old’, but that won’t be true for 2016. This is the year that we should think bigger, imagine harder, and use more Viagra to get harder and longer-lasting hard-ons! I feel that I lost track of what I was discussing, but to be clear, I do not have a problem. It was a long day and I was tired.

So, to try and help you get started for this exciting and young year, I decided that instead of giving you the answers, I thought I would offer you some questions. Warning: these questions should not be posed to a particular group of people. I can’t mention them directly since I’m their bitch, but you have been warned. Don’t go near THEM.

Pending anymore interruptions from the reptilians…No, I only said it because Jeff said it-oh good, they took Jeff. Anyway, on with the questions!

When is a good time to ask your doctor about getting the new and exciting miracle cure?

Answer: A man doesn’t ask, he takes.

(I couldn’t resist giving an answer. Sue me. But know that I have some very good imagination lawyers. Then can do high multiplication.)

When will people remember what matters and work towards a future that will make things better for all?

Correction: Why should I make things better for all, if I can make things better for me? Eventually my “wellness” will trickle down into society. Think about it.

When is the best time to have sex with a girl: after kidnapping her or in the middle of a mash pit?

Answer: You should have a blow-up doll waiting at home.

Do you know the muffin man?

Correction: Do you know about the muffin man’s cocaine addiction?

Will there be another Justin Bieber album?

Answer: It’s 2016, right? Get over it.

I would apologize for the answers to some of these questions, but you came here for answers first. Please don’t stick to my answers if you don’t like them. Feel free to find your own.  But beware, if they are not correct, you will be put on a humiliation display that will rival the whore shaming shackles of old! So go out and be free my sheep, until I send my dogs to recollect you and put you back in your pen.

Your master who is servant to another master,

Cameron Campbell

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She Ain’t Got No Alibi

A few weeks back a twitterer with the handle @mypoetryproject with his hashtag #badtimeforlyrics suggested that Taylor Swift knows nothing of love. This being based on the lyrics from her latest song, “blank space” and it’s catchy bridge, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” Now I know you didn’t ask, but that is why I’m here to ensure that you do ask: how could @mypoetryproject know?

The joke from this hooligan was that Taylor hasn’t read fifty shades of grey, which is clever! And he is probably right, seeing as she probably doesn’t read! But he could not know this without insider information. Unlike myself, I happen to know she doesn’t read based on my own personal knowledge of Taylor and inference based on the horrific lyrics of her song. But he is a nobody, unlike myself, and therefore could not possibly know about her.

So to @mypoetryproject I say this: Leave Taylor alone. She is meant to be a tabloid scandal, not the end of some butt joke from an unknown Twitter account.

Your stalking admirer,
Cameron Campbell

Dildo, 5 Dollar!

http://www.wired.com/2015/02/best-sex-toys/?mbid=social_twitter

What an amazing read! And finally, men of caliber lower than my own can truly satisfy a woman with this aid. It’s revolutionary in its ability to please, unlike other dildos. They just fuck, and no woman wants that!

This dildo has the added bonus of batteries and a glove (according to the picture). You can be porking your wife in Star Wars cosplay and use the force to ram her in a galaxy far far away.

As impressed as I am by this new technology, I am also appalled by it. This new device is in direct violation of my copyrighted technique, “crouching finger, hidden clit”. But it’s more than that! Using tools are an attack on free, vanilla sex that the bible says is the one and only type of sex that has ever existed.

So chant with me internet, “We’re not Gois, no sex toys!” And maybe, with enough support, we can get our government to outlaw them! Remember Saudi Arabia, Iraq, and Africa? Finally we can follow the example of their religious police. And all we have to do is prove to women that all men can be as wonderful as myself when the bass drops.

On second thought, maybe not. I guess the tool is the only way to assure pleasure. After all, it was designed to know that area from its early existence. Who are we to tell that tool it can’t travel down under? It doesn’t want to work on anything else! So I say go, don’t stop, and come when you’re ready to my bedroom, and you shall be welcomed warmly to my home.

Your sexually open speaker,
Cameron Cambell

Sia: Promoting Art, or Kiddie Porn?

 

Cameron is angry!  And for once it isn’t because my fantasy football team was rearranged by my English girlfriend.  Someone needs to tell her that Beckham plays soccer and not football!  No, this time I am upset because apparently pop culture is now forcing me to accept kiddie porn as ‘natural’.  In Sia’s new music video, she displays the bodies of Maddie Ziegler and Shia LaBeouf in near-nudity fighting each other within a cage.  A cage, as we all know, is a symbol of capture that has been frequently used in films to misrepresent how we contain our criminals.  They are not in a cage, but in cells that have bars and no clear form of escape, which is nothing like a cage.  A cage is what we call the basement of sickos who only want to have sex in completely unnatural ways (remember my talk about S&M and Saudi Arabia?  Like them!).  People have complained that the video promotes pedophilia, and frankly I must agree, but it is not just the video, it is also the lyrics.

Just listen to this, “And another one bites the dust/Oh why can I not conquer love?”  That sounds like a confession from Sia, not only of the children she keeps in her basement, but also of murder.  But this conspiracy of artists singing their sins has been around for a long time.  Remember the song “Another one bites the dust” by Queen?  It is filled with the multiple methods that Queen ruined the lives of dozens of people, yet they only name one.  Steve, with his hat, and machine guns (No gun control in the 80’s?).  The truly sick fact about Sia’s song is that she never gives us a number to her victims.  How many children has she touched?  Are the dancers complicit in her illegal activities?  And where was Shia LaBeouf all this time?  Was he trapped in the basement too?

And who knows, perhaps this is only the tip of the iceberg of her crimes.  “You got me pushing imaginary buttons/step away from me lover”  could be a confession of public nudity and sex.  “On a night like this/get out of misery”  possible drug use?  I’m thinking meth.  And this is only one artist!  We haven’t even begun to discuss Maroon 5’s multiple counts of stalking and possible kidnapping charges in “Animals”.  We mustn’t let these artists think that we are fooled by the claim that these videos are “full of artistic meaning”.  Because all of us who cannot stop seeing sex in everything we view know that sex is definitely involved, even after being told it is not about sex.  Why is that?  Not because we are obsessed.  It is because everything we see reminds us of sex.  As Sigmund Freud once said, “I need unt miss sex!”  Because there is no one in the world who is more trustworthy than a quack like Dr. Freud

Your local sex offender,

Cameron Campbell

http://womenintheology.org/2015/01/09/elastic-hearts-and-young-bodies-on-children-art-and-rape-culture/

Saudi Arabia loves S&M

Cameron Campbell hear to tell all masochists that I have found for them the perfect location to practice their sick fetish!  You may disagree if you’re a masochist, but the Bible taught me that anything but fucking to have twelve children in the bedroom is a sin.  But Saudi Arabia has found a clever away around that sin by making it an imperative governmental punishment.

Flogging!  The greatest torture of love.  Invented by the Catholics during the witch trials and the hunting of the Jews to please the non-believers right before they climaxed during the ritual burning or drowning.  Flogging, as it is used today, is a dirty action within the bedrooms of sinners and businessmen (businessmen not being considered human).  The pride with which flogging has been revered throughout the years is realized in the incarceration of a blogger who criticized Saudi Arabian government and their strict adherence to Islamic law.  He now sits in his cell awaiting his masters to take him out the dungeon and into a public venue to receive his fifty lashes each Friday until he reaches 1,000 strikes, like a good boy.  It is unconfirmed at the moment whether he wanted to be arrested to receive his punishment for being naughty.

One man, not knowing the history of flogging, decided that this action taken by the Saudis was wrong and unjustified.  The U.N. HIGH commissioner for human rights posted on his website earlier this week, “In my opinion, at the very least, flogging is an inhuman punishment.”  How dare he post that on his website!  If that is his personal opinion, then he should post it on a blog or post it in a diary next to his bed.  But to sully his official website with such words leaves an unsavory flavor in my breakfast cereal.  If he is a member of the United Nations, then he must know that it is not his place to do anything about this incident.  In fact, I don’t know if the U.N. could do anything even if they wanted to.  I’m not even sure that they exist!  Someone call a U.N. number and see if anyone but a monkey voice answers.  If a person answers, then you must test to see if they are smarter than a monkey.

The only ones who can stop them is a global force for good, the good ol’ U.S. of A. (Why the United States of Apparel?).  However we, as good ol’ God-fearing people, know that interfering with this blogger’s punishment will be an attack against God’s will, as he wants us to keep flogging those who resist the path of his religion.  Even if it is the unconfirmed new branch of Islam that isn’t really God but Allah, it is still a monotheistic God (Allah) and I, personally, at the very least, will not risk them being one and the same person!  I hear Allah is exactly like the God of the Old Testament (Yahweh).

So Vive la Saudi Arabia!  Their implementation of an ancient punishment to humiliate, torture, and drive fear into the hearts of men matches exactly with the Old World Order where we fear our government and their ability to make us orgasm in public.  We Americans can learn from Saudi Arabia.  Instead of torturing our terrorists behind closed doors, we should nail them to crosses and hang them on Main Streets all across the nation.  That won’t look symbolic at all!  If any punishment is explicitly mentioned in a religious book, we of America should ensure that strict adherence to those laws shall be followed, as Saudi Arabia exemplifies for all of us to witness, including the United Nations (anyone call yet?), a multitude of human rights movements, and the Saudi Arabian people.  They are the only ones who understand that humans have no right to create laws, only books from many centuries ago that no longer adhere with the human condition can do so.

The man following the examples of Saudi Arabia in the court of my bedroom,

Cameron Campbell

 

https://shamilaghyas.wordpress.com/tag/raif-badawi/