Tag Archives: republicans

Sunday Review: The 2nd Amendment

Gun control, the only phrase that can truly create fear in Yosemite Sam.  It is also a famous stop for Republican candidates, who appear to believe that gun control is like cancer: once you get it, it will kill you.  This is a slight misconstruing of the facts since gun control is not contractable through DNA or poor life choices.  Some people may even argue that it is a good life choice.  But that is just a foolish notion, as some Republicans continue to argue in defense of the good ol’ 2nd Amendment.

For a little fun, let us keep in mind when the 2nd Amendment was written.  The year, 1780’s or something like that.  The Americans have just defeated the British, proving that they are better in the second half of a match.  The founding coaches want people to have a certain amount of autonomy in the team, in case another Emperor attempts to take over the entire galaxy.  This is a time when no organized army exists, everyone and their grandmother has a gun, and the guns are single shot semi-accurate rifles.  Compared to today where you can fire a few hundred rounds in seconds.

Obama made a few comments about his plan to try and control flagrant misuse of guns through new gun control laws.  Whether these are more helpful or not in the long run in stopping gun violence is unknown.  One thing is certain: doing nothing cannot make the situation better.  Luckily, Republicans are willing to argue that doing nothing is the right thing to do.  Marco Rubio claimed during the last debate that Obama has been planning to take all the guns and would do it, if not for the 2nd Amendment.  And as we all know, no one has ever found a way around the Constitution.

I would include a video of Republicans denouncing any gun control, but it is a rather easy search on Google or YouTube.  It’s funny at first.  Then it gets a little sad when you realize they are serious.  Funny again when they say something insane.  Then scary when they offer no real alternative to gun control laws.

Back in ’96, Australia had a terrible mass shooting.  Soon after, they implemented strict gun regulation that significantly reduced gun-related deaths and have not had a mass shooting since that year.  Compare to the United States now where mass shootings may become so normal that abominable snowman Wolf Blitzer might stop covering those stories in his situation room.

This is not to say that we need to do exactly what Australia did.  People have a different relationships with guns here.  It is not that no one is trustworthy.  Things will go wrong at times.  People will still die by gun wounds, whether self-inflicted, by accident, or on purpose.  But by changing the laws, by attempting to do something, we might be able to bring those numbers down.  I cannot say whether the gun plans of Democratic candidates or the president himself will make any impact on gun-related crime.  That takes time to see results.  But I know that what they have suggested is more than what Marco Rubio has said on his site.

Telling the gun freaks that you will not be taking away their brides is great.  Defending the Constitution is also great.  And making sure that, in a little and insignificant way, people feel safe with their weapons is also great.  But when you see a problem, recognize there is a problem, then proceed to ignore and even deter any attempts to deal with the problem, you are no longer a hero.  You’re an enabler of fear, of misunderstanding, and misunderstanding the notion of what it means ‘to protect and uphold the Constitution’.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The ideas encompassed in this preamble are the ones that are in jeopardy when we allow people to sway us with emotional arguments that have no basis in fact or even sense.  Republicans and Democrats both do this.  Please, don’t listen to any of them.  They are not working for us.  They are working for our alien overlords who have promised to return in the year 2016.  It is clearly written on the walls of the Pyramids.  I’ve seen pictures, and the alien trapped within my body told me what the symbols mean.  Remember this well, my human brothers.  Use your 2nd Amendment right to shoot your way through anyone who tries to stop you from shooting your gun at potential aliens.  They are also aliens and they want to see you without a gun.

Your duo spirited speaker,

Cameron Campbell (Possessed by Andrew Cinko the Alien)

Was the CNN Debate Staged?

The answer to the question above is yes, it is indeed placed upon a stage.  Cameron Campbell here to explain the complicated topics that the Republican candidates gave us during the last debate.  From Trump’s riveting riddle of “How I am not a dick, and why you’re already voting for me,” all the way to Chris Christie’s “How New Jersey is better than New York.” These two ideas alone are difficult to understand, Christie’s being clearly impossible. Let us take this slow, my online nation, and begin simply. If you missed the debate, don’t worry, I’ll cover all of the essentials in this blog post right here. We will travel from one candidate to another and pretend that we all care about what is happening.
Here are some of the most common comments from this debate:

  • When I was (position) of (state or company) I brought (state or company) out of debt and created a surplus.
  • The government has failed us and I, (candidate name), can fix it for everyone.
  • Something needs to be done about (Liberal ideal) and I have a plan to fix it, so vote me as president.
  • I am the only one on this stage who fought for (Republican ideal). And it’s going great.
  • Planned Parenthood needs to go!
  • Government needs to be less involved in (insert liberal ideal).
  • Government needs to be more involved in (insert conservative ideal).
  • I’m more for (Republican ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • I’m more against (Liberal ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • What Obama has done is terrible, and I promise to tear down everything that is Obama.
  • Obama is the source of all of our problems, and we are clearly the opposite of him.
  • I am not Obama.

Donald Trump Quotes

  • Autism is an epidemic.
  • I will take care of women. I respect women.
  • Mexico is funneling their killers and rapists across the border.
  • We need a wall, and to deport all of the illegals immediately.
  • I never said that.
  • Once I am elected, I will put a team together to deal with said issue. The best, the best people.
  • I was never bankrupt.

Now let us begin the retelling of the greatest debate to ever be completely forgettable. I should warn you all now, though I have perfect memory, I was not able to stay awake for the entire debate. The parts where Kasich started to talk put me to sleep immediately. But, as I promised at the beginning of this project, I did my few minutes of research by pressing random keys on the keyboard. I’m pretty sure Kasich has something against lounges. Not that I disagree. I think lounge chairs are out to eat me, but that is no reason to get rid of lounges. More on that later! We will start with the one who leads the polls and work our way down.

Donald Trump

Show Equivalent: Pinky and the Brain (he plays both roles)

Description: Dried-up orange with a wig

Awards:  All given to me by me

If you want someone who will say anything for votes, then you have found your candidate in me.  I am willing to say whatever you want, you want me to say that the entire world is the enemy of America?  No problem!  Want me to say that the we are weak and frail and that I am new-age Jesus?  I don’t need to say that when my actions show you that all too well.  Look at me: making lots of money, manipulating markets and politicians, marrying whoever I please without thinking of the consequences, saying anything I want without thinking about it, all these things are characteristics of Jesus!  And I am honored that you have already chosen me as your savior in your hearts, just don;t forget to let everyone know that I am the correct choice.

Ben Carson

Show Equivalent: The Cosby Show? (Without all the rape)

Description: Republican Obama

Awards: I don’t like to be prideful

I don’t hate, I don’t judge, and I definitely don’t fight particularly for myself.  I am quiet on the stand, you can listen to me talk calmly to you as if you are an adult that can understand what I am saying even if the ideas may seem difficult or unimportant to you.  I will not be shaken by people misunderstanding my quotes.  This especially when Donald Trump (very nice man) says things that are abhorrent and terrible.  He just makes me so mad I could strangle him!  No. no that’s not me.  I’m also still held by my hippocratic oath for another two years.  That’s when I’ll get him.  When he will pay for pretending that he has never attacked others, and tells me to grow up…yes…yes…

Jeb Bush

Show Equivalent: Empire

Description: Not a Bush!  I’m Jeb.  Jeb.  Just Jeb.


Past Careers: Just being Jeb

I am not the start of a monarchy!  I mean, okay, sure, there has never been three people from the same family in the president’s chair.  I worked very hard to be known as Jeb in my state.  People know me as Jeb.  I tried to remove my last name, but they told me that to do so would be lying to the American people and told me it is illegal.  Just pretend that I am not a Bush, that my daddy and brother don’t exist, and look at me for who I am: a career politician who reveals a very basic Republican ideal that you can get from any career politician.  So vote for me, Jeb the basic bitch politician.

And, for the record, my brother did not screw up.  I would not have made that call, even with the information of the time, but he did not screw up.

Carly Fiorina

Spirit Animal: Horse

Political Alignments:  Blindly Republican

You looking at me?  Let me just be clear.  I am a Republican woman and I am not Hillary Clinton.  In fact she is evil, and other obvious evils are evil.  Planned Parenthood is evil, ISIS is evil, Russia is evil, and all of these problems can be fixed with one simple solution:  Military force.  We don’t need law, we don’t need other nations.  All we need is another Great White Fleet to show the world what they already know.  America is the greatest that exists, and we can bomb you whenever and wherever we please.  So deal with it.

Oh, and I never screwed up at Hewlett Packard.  In fact, they thrived under my leadership.  Check it.

Marco Rubio

Show Equivalent: Spongebob SquarePants

Description: Young and Cuban

Status: If anyone asks, born and raised American immigrant

I might be young, and I might seem inexperienced, but I am an adult.  I have a wife, some kids, and my mother lets me stay out until 12, 12:30 on the weekends.  When I arrive at the Senate, everyone says hello.  When I say something good I get a gold star on my chair.  Sometimes my friends and I play pranks on the other senators, and we all laugh.  Like the other day, i announced that John Boehner gave up his position!  Then I found out my prank was truth.  That was pretty rough.  I asked mom for a second apple juice with dinner that night.  She said yes, so that helped a little.

Ted Cruz

Show Equivalent: House of Cards (If it were made by Amazon Prime)

Spirit Animal: Racoon with presidential aspirations

Just because I look and talk like a Disney villain, does not mean that I am one. I have many ideas for this great nation, one of which being a statue made in my honor.  Just look at my nose!  It already looks like it was chiseled out of rock.  I make a solid promise, on this stage, that I will honor all Republican ideals while fulfilling my own selfish desires.  I further promise that everything I accomplish for myself will be done using your money.  See?  I’m not such a bad guy.  Like Donald Trump, I just come out and tell it like it is!

Chris Christie

Favorite meal: Favorite?  Bring it all!

Presidential Ambitions: Shut up, this is for the people.

Stop whining all of you!  We are not here for us.  We are here for the people.  This is my resume for nanny of the president.  I promise that whoever is placed in the chair will be watched by me.  Just like how I broke up the fight between Carly Fiorina and Donald Trump, so I promise to stop the president from pulling any bullshit while working for the people.  You thought I was up here to fight for my own personal gain?  To prove that I am worthy of being president?  Screw that, give me the nanny position!  I don’t have time for this, I have to clean up the shores of my state.

Mike Huckabee

Show Equivalent: Anything that never made it past the first season

Hobbies: Oh, what do you care?

No one even knows I exist!  I barely said anything in either debate.  I said so little that I don’t even remember what I’ve said.  I think people know me as that guy standing next to Rand Paul.  It’s not fair!  I have ideas, just like all of these guys!  It’s not fair that they treat me like everyone else treats Al Gore.  At least I have a personality!  Just let me enjoy being under a spotlight that isn’t owned by Fox for a little and I promise I’ll never bother you again.

John Kasich

Show Equivalent: Anything that only has reruns

Fun Fact: Last name sounds Middle Eastern (Qasiq)

Work with foreign nations!  Foreign security!  I worked with them!  Listen to me!  Foreign policy!  Foreign policy!  I can do that shit!  Foreign policy!

Oh, yeah, and education. I want to fix that too.

Rand Paul

Show Equivalent: The X-files

Party Affiliation: Still figuring that out

I don’t have the most popular ideas.  Not many people in either party can stand me.  And, overall, my ideas can be confusing and conflicting.  But, on the upside, I’ll probably run again in four years.  Vote Rand Paul 2020!

Scott Walker

Scott Walker has been stricken from the official record.  He is presumed to have never existed.  Never bring up his name again.  He is a disgrace to all that is Republican and unwavering in the face of whatever we hate on any particular day.

There they are, the 2016 GOP presidential candidates!  I know it’s a long read, but remember that voting here is a privelege, an honor, and very American.  And if you don’t, I’ll release my internet trolls on you to destroy your reputation with language and threats that will not be viewed as disturbing or dangerous by anyone.  My trolls are hateful, but they are respected.

Join me again in a few weeks when Hillary Clinton goes head-you-head with Bernie Sanders.  A roaring debate between two fierce candidates with other people standing around them.

Your political voice,

Cameron Campbell

“Do Moderates Exist?” What Are You, A Gay Vegan?

I am an extremist! I believe in taking the most difficult and harshest view on the hottest topics. I want people to hear my views and immediately hate me and no longer feel the need to talk with me. And what better way to scare someone away than to tell them that I support gun toting, abortion hating, right flank, conservative, bull headed rich white guys.  And I am absolutely set in my ways, even if the society tells me that my ideas are obsolete or outdated.  And if I am dealing with one of those types of people, then I am a big government loving, tax raising, abortion supporting, liberal minority who thinks that government is the answer to all of my problems.

Do these views appear to be contradictory and no person should be claiming to be both?  The answer to both of those is yes.  So then what is a moderate?  It is a being that cannot exist within this realm of political upheaval that is called the United States.  Sure, most of the country may be somewhere between these two parties we call Democrat and Republican.  And sure, maybe people are looking for someone who can use ideas from both parties to truly solve the issues that belong to the government.  Now as great as that may sound, You forget that those people are gay, facist, vegan, atheists who want to destroy this country and let the terrorists win.  The terrorists win?  Do you really want that to happen?  No, none of us do!  So join an extremist side, or choose a side based on who is in front of you, because our lack of bipartisanship in the government is the only way that we can keep this government so funny and unable to complete a single important task.

Your confused life coach,

Cameron Campbell