Tag Archives: religion

Not Enough Secular In My Religious Holiday

Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”

You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.

I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!

Provided by Giphy
Provided by Giphy

Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.

People are right about Christmas.  It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion.  Christ was born, big-fucking whoop!  Do you have a tree in your living room?  Stockings above the fireplace?  Mistletoe attached to the ceiling?  Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’?  Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen?  If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!

There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas.  Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney!  Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled!  The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!”  It’s just so adorable.

A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief.  Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized.  When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.

Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,

Cameron Campbell

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Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

A Power Grows in the East…And It’s Fabulous!

With the end of June came a big surprise from the Supreme Court-the Supreme Court STILL exists!  I know, this comes as a surprise since everyone on it barely understands how the world functions in this day and age.  Modern technology?  They are still trying to master the computers of the 90’s.  I may be the first person to report about this, just like that British reporter who caught on that ISIS decided to fly one of their flags at a gay pride parade.  Her and I are at the forefront of breakout news.  That is why I have a secondary surprise for all the people who recognize my brilliance: The Supreme Court, which still exists, has ruled that gay marriage should be legal throughout the country.  It’s official!  State governments no longer have a say in whether gay people want to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples!  Not that they needed marriage to do that, but now they can complain about their ‘spouse’ and not their ‘partner,’ or ‘special person’ or ‘cuddle buddy’.

While some people celebrate and others try to find a cute way to say “I don’t want to get married,” there are those out there who are taking the proper action to fight back against this insanity.  One of these heroes is Rick Scarborough, ex-pastor and John McCain look alike.  He has been fighting against gay marriage with the strength and tenacity of a rabid bulldog.  Even after his plot to stop the advancement of this obvious ruling was put down, he is still kicking and has a plan of his own to put himself down.  Before the Supreme Court officials were awoken from their doctor-recommended naps, Scarborough said, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary, we will burn.”  Yes! What better way to fight a ruling that hasn’t been backed by any other branch of government than by self-immolation?  We must get behind this man and join him in a chant as he lights himself aflame for his beliefs!

Unfortunately, he has not followed through on this promise.  He told Huffington post that he did not mean it.  The statement was only meant as a reference to a spiritual song, possibly sung by Johnny Cash.  That is a much better reference than the biblical story about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  No matter how strong his reference, I cannot help but notice how he fails to follow his game plan.  Why are we not marching through the streets in complete disarray, burning to death behind our fearless and burning leader?  Was that not the plan?  I had prepared my own personal share of kerosene and a boom box with a CD that had the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  I even convinced a friend of mine to run through a gay pride parade on his motorcycle wearing a ghost rider costume.  How am I going to take a video of that scene and Rick Scarborough burning for quick internet fame if it will never occur?

Luckily, there may be a way to save this momentous occasion and have it happen as prophesied by Scarborough.  In a faraway place known as Texas, there once was a man by the name of Tom DeLay.  After failed business attempts, he felt inclined to lead the people through example by partying all night long.  This was until he found God and Christ and began to do the work of the Lord in Congress.  His career came to an end when he was accused of misappropriating funds and donations to his cause.  This was not the reason for his quitting Congress.  He felt God calling to him and knew that it was time for a change of career.  His good friend Rick Scarborough has backed DeLay as the voice of God.  Yes, it may seem odd to think of DeLay as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but it becomes more apparent when you consider Scarborough’s attempts to create the Third Great Awakening in this country:

Coming soon to a town near you.

The lives of many people have been barely affected by an American-breaking decision made by old men in ankle-length skirts.  The decision, as it stands, sets a precedent for future lawyers to use in their battles for gays and their desire to be equal in civil standings, to be just like heterosexual couples.  But one group of people, led by one man, know that same-sex marriage cannot be allowed in the secular world or it will ruin our spiritual and religious lives.

His name is Rick Scarborough, and he holds the truth about this world.  Just like Islamists, he is surprised that God has allowed such a fowl nation like the United States to live on.  He has said we are the Great Satan.

Scarborough and his friend Tom DeLay have the solution to all of our problems: Eliminate the government and replace it with religion.  No, not some dangerous religion like Islam, but a dangerous religion like Christianity.

Witness the return of Stone Age religion in the 21st century and its attempt to reconcile with the advances of this age.

The day has come….and it is good!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I am really excited about this movie!  I can only hope that it appears all over the globe so that everyone recognizes and bows down to the power of Jesus Christ, or be sent to fiery pits of hell.

Mostly, I’m just glad that this happened in the Supreme Court.  It made it so much easier to ignore the fact that three simultaneous attacks occurred in Europe.  Who wants to discuss something serious with future repercussions, when I can talk about something that has already happened that has no serious effects on the world?

Your reality-escaping author,

Cameron Campbell

Which Apocalypse Pony is Obama?

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a conservative like me, and no, this is not a toy that is being created so we can use it against Obama.  But it is a well known fact that he is a part of the apocalypse. If you didn’t know this, then you must not be a true conservative.

Last week, Michele Bachmann was kind enough to put out the truth about Obama for the whole world to see how he is attempting to tear down our government so that the devil can move in to the White House.  For example, his attempt to weaken our relationship with Israel. Sure, the prime minister was voted in after saying that he would no longer support a two-state system, but does that mean Obama shouldn’t support him?  After all, Israel is our greatest ally in keeping the peace in the middle.  I feel like we could trust them to be an honorary peace corp!

But Obama doesn’t seem to share her-I’m sorry-our conservative views on Israel, even going so far as turning down her plan to bomb Palestine  back to whatever came before what they have now.  It is obvious to Michele, as well as myself, that Obama clearly doesn’t care about the people he is meant to be protecting.  And now, when his last term ever is about to end, is when we should be boycotting his kingly reign.

Sure, some people may claim that if we wanted to remove him from office it should have been done BEFORE he was elected again.  And yes, it could be argued that some of his mistakes were forced from him because foreign leaders can’t stop fighting over who deserves the most nuclear toys and land.  Or, if you’re really crazy, argue that Obama has been under so much pressure that he has given up his hair and youthful look just to try and help even a little, even when he failed.

But we all know none of that is true.  The aging process was rushed because the devil is getting impatient and is sucking the life away from his most avid supporter, Obama: the Nigerian-Hawaiian green card baby demon.  And who knows what he will do if we let him stay in office for the next few months after being their for eight years.  Thank you Michele Bachmann, hopefully we can open some eyes to the lies they are being fed from fact-based news outlets, p.h.d political scientists, and people like us.

Your politico-religious zealot,

Cameron Campbell