The answer to the question above is yes, it is indeed placed upon a stage. Cameron Campbell here to explain the complicated topics that the Republican candidates gave us during the last debate. From Trump’s riveting riddle of “How I am not a dick, and why you’re already voting for me,” all the way to Chris Christie’s “How New Jersey is better than New York.” These two ideas alone are difficult to understand, Christie’s being clearly impossible. Let us take this slow, my online nation, and begin simply. If you missed the debate, don’t worry, I’ll cover all of the essentials in this blog post right here. We will travel from one candidate to another and pretend that we all care about what is happening.
Here are some of the most common comments from this debate:
- When I was (position) of (state or company) I brought (state or company) out of debt and created a surplus.
- The government has failed us and I, (candidate name), can fix it for everyone.
- Something needs to be done about (Liberal ideal) and I have a plan to fix it, so vote me as president.
- I am the only one on this stage who fought for (Republican ideal). And it’s going great.
- Planned Parenthood needs to go!
- Government needs to be less involved in (insert liberal ideal).
- Government needs to be more involved in (insert conservative ideal).
- I AM REPUBLICAN
- I’m more for (Republican ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
- I’m more against (Liberal ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
- What Obama has done is terrible, and I promise to tear down everything that is Obama.
- Obama is the source of all of our problems, and we are clearly the opposite of him.
- I am not Obama.
Donald Trump Quotes
- Autism is an epidemic.
- I will take care of women. I respect women.
- Mexico is funneling their killers and rapists across the border.
- We need a wall, and to deport all of the illegals immediately.
- I never said that.
- Once I am elected, I will put a team together to deal with said issue. The best, the best people.
- I was never bankrupt.
Now let us begin the retelling of the greatest debate to ever be completely forgettable. I should warn you all now, though I have perfect memory, I was not able to stay awake for the entire debate. The parts where Kasich started to talk put me to sleep immediately. But, as I promised at the beginning of this project, I did my few minutes of research by pressing random keys on the keyboard. I’m pretty sure Kasich has something against lounges. Not that I disagree. I think lounge chairs are out to eat me, but that is no reason to get rid of lounges. More on that later! We will start with the one who leads the polls and work our way down.
Show Equivalent: Pinky and the Brain (he plays both roles)
Description: Dried-up orange with a wig
Awards: All given to me by me
If you want someone who will say anything for votes, then you have found your candidate in me. I am willing to say whatever you want, you want me to say that the entire world is the enemy of America? No problem! Want me to say that the we are weak and frail and that I am new-age Jesus? I don’t need to say that when my actions show you that all too well. Look at me: making lots of money, manipulating markets and politicians, marrying whoever I please without thinking of the consequences, saying anything I want without thinking about it, all these things are characteristics of Jesus! And I am honored that you have already chosen me as your savior in your hearts, just don;t forget to let everyone know that I am the correct choice.
Show Equivalent: The Cosby Show? (Without all the rape)
Description: Republican Obama
Awards: I don’t like to be prideful
I don’t hate, I don’t judge, and I definitely don’t fight particularly for myself. I am quiet on the stand, you can listen to me talk calmly to you as if you are an adult that can understand what I am saying even if the ideas may seem difficult or unimportant to you. I will not be shaken by people misunderstanding my quotes. This especially when Donald Trump (very nice man) says things that are abhorrent and terrible. He just makes me so mad I could strangle him! No. no that’s not me. I’m also still held by my hippocratic oath for another two years. That’s when I’ll get him. When he will pay for pretending that he has never attacked others, and tells me to grow up…yes…yes…
Show Equivalent: Empire
Description: Not a Bush! I’m Jeb. Jeb. Just Jeb.
Past Careers: Just being Jeb
I am not the start of a monarchy! I mean, okay, sure, there has never been three people from the same family in the president’s chair. I worked very hard to be known as Jeb in my state. People know me as Jeb. I tried to remove my last name, but they told me that to do so would be lying to the American people and told me it is illegal. Just pretend that I am not a Bush, that my daddy and brother don’t exist, and look at me for who I am: a career politician who reveals a very basic Republican ideal that you can get from any career politician. So vote for me, Jeb the basic bitch politician.
And, for the record, my brother did not screw up. I would not have made that call, even with the information of the time, but he did not screw up.
Spirit Animal: Horse
Political Alignments: Blindly Republican
You looking at me? Let me just be clear. I am a Republican woman and I am not Hillary Clinton. In fact she is evil, and other obvious evils are evil. Planned Parenthood is evil, ISIS is evil, Russia is evil, and all of these problems can be fixed with one simple solution: Military force. We don’t need law, we don’t need other nations. All we need is another Great White Fleet to show the world what they already know. America is the greatest that exists, and we can bomb you whenever and wherever we please. So deal with it.
Oh, and I never screwed up at Hewlett Packard. In fact, they thrived under my leadership. Check it.
Show Equivalent: Spongebob SquarePants
Description: Young and Cuban
Status: If anyone asks, born and raised American immigrant
I might be young, and I might seem inexperienced, but I am an adult. I have a wife, some kids, and my mother lets me stay out until 12, 12:30 on the weekends. When I arrive at the Senate, everyone says hello. When I say something good I get a gold star on my chair. Sometimes my friends and I play pranks on the other senators, and we all laugh. Like the other day, i announced that John Boehner gave up his position! Then I found out my prank was truth. That was pretty rough. I asked mom for a second apple juice with dinner that night. She said yes, so that helped a little.
Show Equivalent: House of Cards (If it were made by Amazon Prime)
Spirit Animal: Racoon with presidential aspirations
Just because I look and talk like a Disney villain, does not mean that I am one. I have many ideas for this great nation, one of which being a statue made in my honor. Just look at my nose! It already looks like it was chiseled out of rock. I make a solid promise, on this stage, that I will honor all Republican ideals while fulfilling my own selfish desires. I further promise that everything I accomplish for myself will be done using your money. See? I’m not such a bad guy. Like Donald Trump, I just come out and tell it like it is!
Favorite meal: Favorite? Bring it all!
Presidential Ambitions: Shut up, this is for the people.
Stop whining all of you! We are not here for us. We are here for the people. This is my resume for nanny of the president. I promise that whoever is placed in the chair will be watched by me. Just like how I broke up the fight between Carly Fiorina and Donald Trump, so I promise to stop the president from pulling any bullshit while working for the people. You thought I was up here to fight for my own personal gain? To prove that I am worthy of being president? Screw that, give me the nanny position! I don’t have time for this, I have to clean up the shores of my state.
Show Equivalent: Anything that never made it past the first season
Hobbies: Oh, what do you care?
No one even knows I exist! I barely said anything in either debate. I said so little that I don’t even remember what I’ve said. I think people know me as that guy standing next to Rand Paul. It’s not fair! I have ideas, just like all of these guys! It’s not fair that they treat me like everyone else treats Al Gore. At least I have a personality! Just let me enjoy being under a spotlight that isn’t owned by Fox for a little and I promise I’ll never bother you again.
Show Equivalent: Anything that only has reruns
Fun Fact: Last name sounds Middle Eastern (Qasiq)
Work with foreign nations! Foreign security! I worked with them! Listen to me! Foreign policy! Foreign policy! I can do that shit! Foreign policy!
Oh, yeah, and education. I want to fix that too.
Show Equivalent: The X-files
Party Affiliation: Still figuring that out
I don’t have the most popular ideas. Not many people in either party can stand me. And, overall, my ideas can be confusing and conflicting. But, on the upside, I’ll probably run again in four years. Vote Rand Paul 2020!
Scott Walker has been stricken from the official record. He is presumed to have never existed. Never bring up his name again. He is a disgrace to all that is Republican and unwavering in the face of whatever we hate on any particular day.
There they are, the 2016 GOP presidential candidates! I know it’s a long read, but remember that voting here is a privelege, an honor, and very American. And if you don’t, I’ll release my internet trolls on you to destroy your reputation with language and threats that will not be viewed as disturbing or dangerous by anyone. My trolls are hateful, but they are respected.
Join me again in a few weeks when Hillary Clinton goes head-you-head with Bernie Sanders. A roaring debate between two fierce candidates with other people standing around them.
Your political voice,