Tag Archives: news

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

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Which Apocalypse Pony is Obama?

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a conservative like me, and no, this is not a toy that is being created so we can use it against Obama.  But it is a well known fact that he is a part of the apocalypse. If you didn’t know this, then you must not be a true conservative.

Last week, Michele Bachmann was kind enough to put out the truth about Obama for the whole world to see how he is attempting to tear down our government so that the devil can move in to the White House.  For example, his attempt to weaken our relationship with Israel. Sure, the prime minister was voted in after saying that he would no longer support a two-state system, but does that mean Obama shouldn’t support him?  After all, Israel is our greatest ally in keeping the peace in the middle.  I feel like we could trust them to be an honorary peace corp!

But Obama doesn’t seem to share her-I’m sorry-our conservative views on Israel, even going so far as turning down her plan to bomb Palestine  back to whatever came before what they have now.  It is obvious to Michele, as well as myself, that Obama clearly doesn’t care about the people he is meant to be protecting.  And now, when his last term ever is about to end, is when we should be boycotting his kingly reign.

Sure, some people may claim that if we wanted to remove him from office it should have been done BEFORE he was elected again.  And yes, it could be argued that some of his mistakes were forced from him because foreign leaders can’t stop fighting over who deserves the most nuclear toys and land.  Or, if you’re really crazy, argue that Obama has been under so much pressure that he has given up his hair and youthful look just to try and help even a little, even when he failed.

But we all know none of that is true.  The aging process was rushed because the devil is getting impatient and is sucking the life away from his most avid supporter, Obama: the Nigerian-Hawaiian green card baby demon.  And who knows what he will do if we let him stay in office for the next few months after being their for eight years.  Thank you Michele Bachmann, hopefully we can open some eyes to the lies they are being fed from fact-based news outlets, p.h.d political scientists, and people like us.

Your politico-religious zealot,

Cameron Campbell

Dear New York Times

I am writing to you today to express my feelings about your publication as it is still (apparently) being used by people to wrap flowers and pick up dog shit.  Now that I have been given a place where I can share my voice with the world, it seems necessary that I share with everyone the threat that you pose by simply existing.  Now this isn’t to say that you are a true concern of mine, but it can be argued that you could become such in the future.  I am forced then to deal with you swiftly in order to protect myself, even if attacking you only gives you more power against me.

I would like to be clear!  It is not that I do not respect what you do with your writing.  Far from that!  I can respect what you do when you write articles that explain why America should be more like the Dutch, who are the size of Maryland.  They are a perfect example of what one of our states should be like, and if only the federal government could be just like a state government, well then everything would be just dandy!  There is no truer statement.

Or when you write more coherent articles about the arts in paparazzi-style journalism, discussing a case about a famous man who may or may not be extradited to American for crimes from the 70’s.  Who knew you were on the edge of breaking the great ‘Lady Gaga has man parts’ story. Here I thought I would be the first to make that argument.

No, it is not what you do that offends me, but how you go about it.  You believe yourself to be news, informing the people with your poorly written accusation stories.  Creating pieces that contain small bits of information that don’t create a proper story-who do you think you are, me?

There is only enough space in this town for one reporter who takes himself way too seriously with stories that serve no real purpose for the people.  I work hard for five minutes creating my stories, just like you.  And I spend seconds editing them together, just like you!  But I’ll be damned if I let you go around town with that imploded belief confidence in your own work.  This is no place for small-fry like you.  And I will do everything in my power to show the world that between you and I, there is only one true fake-reporter.  That reporter will be me.

Your non-corporate adversary,

Cameron Campbell