Tag Archives: muslim

Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

The Power of Vigilantism

“If you see something, say something”

Truly a catchy phrase with a catchy infomercial feel that almost makes you paranoid enough to think anything or anyone is out to get you.

“That guy keeps looking around after looking at his phone.”  He is looking for a friend, everybody duck!  Or better yet, we will do what they suggested in case of a bomb: crouch under your desk that has not been prepared for a possible nuclear apocalypse. In New York’s case, I guess it would be under the subway benches, or a big fat guy who happens to be in your coach.

The point is we can make a different in how our cities are protected from terrorism, and these infomercials are attempting to sell you your own form of protection.

Tired of relying on the police force for protection?

Do you feel that they are unable to live up to the level security you desire?

Do you need a way to show your racism without it being ‘blown out of proportion’?  Well we have the perfect solution for you!

Introducing 21st century vigilantism!  Vigilantism is universal process of justice that can be metered out by anyone based upon their own emotions and biases.

Think your Syrian neighbor is an ISIS agent planning something sinister? No problem!  Just rally up some of your close friends, take vigilantism, and off you go to string him up for unsubstantiated crimes!

Think your one black friend is giving your girlfriend a nasty look?  Hit up some vigilantism and gain the courage to confront him with a group of white guys behind you.  I’m sure this will work out in your favor.  With vigilantism, anything is possible!  Just listen to these reviews.

I work with a guy who is some kind of Arab, and as soon as he started talking, I knew I had to keep a close eye on him.  21st century vigilantism helped me do that.

Back in the 1950’s, we used 20th century vigilantism all the time and nobody cared.  In fact, we were encouraged. It was a positive thing and became a community thing. We didn’t get it from no government like kids today.  It was handed down to us from our ancestors.  They were the pros, we were just trying to fumble our way through.

Yes, I encouraged it at the camps to be used by mein officers.  They knew what the Jews were, as did everyone.  And I let all my officers know that they were the only ones, they were the Übermensch that protected the German people from the destructive power of the Jews.

21st century vigilantism is recommended for 12 and up.  The use of 21st vigilantism could result in embarrassing mistakes, viral YouTube videos, arrest, bruises, scars, internal or external injuries, white guilt, depression at the realization of how weak you are, anxiety, a perpetual sense of danger, and death.  If you contract any of these symptoms, immediately stop using 21st century vigilantism as continued usage will only make things worse.  Do not try and clarify your efforts to thwart a terrorist cell that existed in your head.  If attempting to blame anyone who is black with a crime, ensure that there is a cop around who can shoot when you are sure to fail.  If caught with 21st century vigilantism in your possession, immediately attempt to get rid of it.  Perhaps pass it off as your friend’s idea.

21st century vigilantism.  Being paranoid and racist never looked so cool!

Your local terrorist,

Cameron Campbell