Tag Archives: memo

My Partisan Protection of the President: A Devin Nunes Story

This story will begin at where we are now because we, as a society, cannot remember anything for more than a week. Retaining information is just so tiring, you know? The only reason I “remember” my mom’s birthday is because of Facebook. And the only reason I “remember” Facebook exists is because it constantly sends updates to my phone. Never bring me to trivia night. I will forget why the Civil War happened so fast my answer will be, “Because Captain America has the hots for the winter soldier and is unwilling to accept his stable relationship with Iron Man.” That’s the most recent and the most relevant Civil War in our history. I cannot help but wonder what will happen to our society if we are forced to choose sides between heroes.

But none of that matters now! That’s all in the past. This story is not about the past. It doesn’t even have a past because it is that fricking new. We begin with now when House Republicans and the White House released a memo put together by Devin Nunes. Who is Devin Nunes? Who knows! This is about the memo he wrote and has nothing to do with the man. The four-page document was released on February 2, 2018 so the public could see exactly what is meant by “government conspiracy against Trump.” According to boy wonder all grown up Paul Ryan, the release of this memo has nothing to do with the Russian FBI probe.

Ryan said it all folks, it has nothing to do with the DOJ or FBI, so we can rel-OH SHIT NO WAIT IT IS ACTUALLY TOTAL PROOF OF EVERYTHING.

The orangutan dressed like a person is right! This memo absolutely vindicates “Trump” (whatever the hell “Trump” means in monkey-speak). All this memo does is raise questions about the ethics of the FISA court’s ruling and whether its powers were abused by an entire branch of the government for political gain with no evidence to sustain an argument. But since the evidence to prove the memo is inaccurate is currently classified, it is a victory for the White House!

Ryan has said that releasing this memo is not to try and impugn the FBI or the DOJ and we all know how trustworthy he can be. Not once has his position on Trump ever changed.

So I will rest easy tonight believing that Trump will try to fire the heads of the FBI and DOJ (which he totally has the right to do btdubbs) and Ryan will stop him based on his morals, belief in the separations of power, and the Constitution. But this is a future story and the chance of us becoming Russia is still possible.

What is the origin of this memo? I’m sure one of you noble Americanites is wondering about the hero behind this historic memo. Well fine if you want a backstory! You might be a noble Americanite, but your need for comic book-style origin stories is frustrating.

Devin Nunes decided to get into politics at the young age of 29 and studied under some of the greatest future Trump defenders like Kevin McCarthy and Paul Ryan. When he was elected to his seat he was considered a moderate. He even called the Tea Party’s plan to implement a government shutdown like “lemmings with suicide vests.” Which makes sense when you think about it. Lemmings can’t put on enough TNT to do proper damage to anything. Sure, all they need to do is group together and blow up all at once thus taking away your legs. But I’m sure none of them are smart enough to come up with that idea.

So Trump becomes president and everything seems all right for about the first two weeks, until it is “leaked” that the election team may have had interactions with the Russians to influence the elections. Well, clearly they had no contact with anyone from Russia.

Nunes became scared for the populist leader he had sworn allegiance and he ran over to the White House to ask if there was anything he could do. This is where he was given the idea of a memo. He took the information given to him by White House officials, ran it over to Congress to give a press release, and then ran it back to the White House so the president could see his good work. Nunes was reprimanded by his own committee members and Republicans of the House for not following protocol and was placed under review.

Is the source of his information questionable since it came from the White House? Not according to Lamar Smith! The president is the ONLY reliable source for information about him and what he has accomplished. After all, he picks up the phone when his children call and that says a lot about his nuclear policy.

//www.c-span.org/video/standalone/?c4651432

Ah yes, we always trust only the source of the issue. It’s why we all get to look forward to Harvey Weinstein’s next movie epic starring Bill Cosby and the corpse of Roger Ailes. So now we know! The only reliable source of information is Trump, thanks to the fact that he is president and nothing else. It feels so good to be able to put my faith into one thing, one PERSON, and never have to worry about thinking for myself again. Please join me in praying to the Almighty President who will return us to the Promised Land that we invented for ourselves. So don’t worry about the Russian Probe! According to Trump, it’s dead in the water. Worried that you won’t have a job? Just take one of those sweet coal mining positions in another state Trump has kept open for you! And he never had a woman pee on him. Wait, he never explicitly denied that?

Well what about Hillary and her emails!? Benghazi!? Her husband!?

Yeah, that ought to distract long enough to forget about Trump and a potential piss tape.

Your Fact-Fighting Champion,

Cameron Campbell

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