Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event. Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis. The family pool is already up to 100 dollars. It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!
Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays. That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me. Before you ask, I wasn’t high. It was a dream.
He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom. They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords. It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule. That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Don’t believe me? Just take some acid and fall asleep. The genie will tell you the whole story. I’m going to take some more drugs. See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday. And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.
Your mooching best pal,
If I have said it a million times, then I must have been drunk the whole night and spent it talking to a wall: Children are the gateway to an evil place. They change your friends. No longer are your friends free Friday after a hard week to waste away in a drug den before hitting up the clubs. Instead, they head home to uncontrolled crying and poo. Why that is better coming from your offspring than your best friend I will never know! When the biggest game of the season is only half done, he is the one that leaves after drinking only half a beer saying that he needs to relieve his wife of their kid and put it to bed after reading “Good Night, Moon”. Sure, I read that book when I was seventeen and it was easy to read thanks to the tiny words, but a three year old? He already understands its complex English grammar? I call witchery! Roll a d20 for attack order, cuz here I come!
And the truth of my claims only becomes more truey as a new story quickly brews then disappears in Texas of a nine-year old who claims to have the one ring that can turn his fellow students invisible. Now that is truly the greatest proof of witchcraft, just as Tom Cruise preaching Scientology proved the existence of aliens once and for all.
Now no one seems sure what the school was thinking since they refused to comment, but I think we can all agree that the poor teacher must have been terrified as her students giggled and sat down for class without disappearing. But she knew what they had planned, and it was sinister. So sinister that even Michael Jackson would have said, “Get away from me!”
I would never say that we should ban people from having children, but I would say that children as soon as they are born should be sent away to another land where they can practice their sinful magic upon each other and leave us adults alone! That’s all I got. Upset about my comments? Comment then! But I probably won’t listen. I answer your unasked questions, not the other way around!
Your two-time father,