Warning: I am about to mix religion and politics. In the biblical story of Barabbas, the religious leaders of Roman-occupied Israel have brought Jesus to be crucified. Pilate, seeing that Jesus has committed no crimes, offers the crowd a choice of which prisoner to release: Jesus, or the prisoner Barabbas, an insurrectionist. The religious leaders […]
As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate. When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie. Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders. Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party. Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist. So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!
Most Common Quotes
- (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
- Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
- Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
- Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
- I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
- Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
- Republicans like guns. I’m not even sure if they are human.
- Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
- Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won. And where is my time to talk!”
What a fun debate! Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage. When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404. I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.” Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face! Who reads newspapers anymore? Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading. Okay okay, that’s enough of that. This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats. Ah, who am I kidding. Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!
Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate
Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate
I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending. I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue. So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends. Look at me as a political person who sets the trend. I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself. And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent. Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.
Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET
Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure. I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them. I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings. I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself. I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate. Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.
And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails! And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.
Has refused to comment at this time. But I will get him to talk…somehow…
Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch. Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president. I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.
Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake. Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions. I should have ran as a republican. At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection. I call my hand gun Debbie.
I’m having an affair with Debbie. My wife doesn’t know it yet.
Candidate 5: My face screams that I am a dangerous character. Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine. If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised. My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician. You don’t need to know what I believe. Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.
What an exciting night that was for me. Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.” Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time. Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun! Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean! With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!
Your politically-confused speaker,
I am an extremist! I believe in taking the most difficult and harshest view on the hottest topics. I want people to hear my views and immediately hate me and no longer feel the need to talk with me. And what better way to scare someone away than to tell them that I support gun toting, abortion hating, right flank, conservative, bull headed rich white guys. And I am absolutely set in my ways, even if the society tells me that my ideas are obsolete or outdated. And if I am dealing with one of those types of people, then I am a big government loving, tax raising, abortion supporting, liberal minority who thinks that government is the answer to all of my problems.
Do these views appear to be contradictory and no person should be claiming to be both? The answer to both of those is yes. So then what is a moderate? It is a being that cannot exist within this realm of political upheaval that is called the United States. Sure, most of the country may be somewhere between these two parties we call Democrat and Republican. And sure, maybe people are looking for someone who can use ideas from both parties to truly solve the issues that belong to the government. Now as great as that may sound, You forget that those people are gay, facist, vegan, atheists who want to destroy this country and let the terrorists win. The terrorists win? Do you really want that to happen? No, none of us do! So join an extremist side, or choose a side based on who is in front of you, because our lack of bipartisanship in the government is the only way that we can keep this government so funny and unable to complete a single important task.
Your confused life coach,