Tag Archives: koran

Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

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Saudi Arabia loves S&M

Cameron Campbell hear to tell all masochists that I have found for them the perfect location to practice their sick fetish!  You may disagree if you’re a masochist, but the Bible taught me that anything but fucking to have twelve children in the bedroom is a sin.  But Saudi Arabia has found a clever away around that sin by making it an imperative governmental punishment.

Flogging!  The greatest torture of love.  Invented by the Catholics during the witch trials and the hunting of the Jews to please the non-believers right before they climaxed during the ritual burning or drowning.  Flogging, as it is used today, is a dirty action within the bedrooms of sinners and businessmen (businessmen not being considered human).  The pride with which flogging has been revered throughout the years is realized in the incarceration of a blogger who criticized Saudi Arabian government and their strict adherence to Islamic law.  He now sits in his cell awaiting his masters to take him out the dungeon and into a public venue to receive his fifty lashes each Friday until he reaches 1,000 strikes, like a good boy.  It is unconfirmed at the moment whether he wanted to be arrested to receive his punishment for being naughty.

One man, not knowing the history of flogging, decided that this action taken by the Saudis was wrong and unjustified.  The U.N. HIGH commissioner for human rights posted on his website earlier this week, “In my opinion, at the very least, flogging is an inhuman punishment.”  How dare he post that on his website!  If that is his personal opinion, then he should post it on a blog or post it in a diary next to his bed.  But to sully his official website with such words leaves an unsavory flavor in my breakfast cereal.  If he is a member of the United Nations, then he must know that it is not his place to do anything about this incident.  In fact, I don’t know if the U.N. could do anything even if they wanted to.  I’m not even sure that they exist!  Someone call a U.N. number and see if anyone but a monkey voice answers.  If a person answers, then you must test to see if they are smarter than a monkey.

The only ones who can stop them is a global force for good, the good ol’ U.S. of A. (Why the United States of Apparel?).  However we, as good ol’ God-fearing people, know that interfering with this blogger’s punishment will be an attack against God’s will, as he wants us to keep flogging those who resist the path of his religion.  Even if it is the unconfirmed new branch of Islam that isn’t really God but Allah, it is still a monotheistic God (Allah) and I, personally, at the very least, will not risk them being one and the same person!  I hear Allah is exactly like the God of the Old Testament (Yahweh).

So Vive la Saudi Arabia!  Their implementation of an ancient punishment to humiliate, torture, and drive fear into the hearts of men matches exactly with the Old World Order where we fear our government and their ability to make us orgasm in public.  We Americans can learn from Saudi Arabia.  Instead of torturing our terrorists behind closed doors, we should nail them to crosses and hang them on Main Streets all across the nation.  That won’t look symbolic at all!  If any punishment is explicitly mentioned in a religious book, we of America should ensure that strict adherence to those laws shall be followed, as Saudi Arabia exemplifies for all of us to witness, including the United Nations (anyone call yet?), a multitude of human rights movements, and the Saudi Arabian people.  They are the only ones who understand that humans have no right to create laws, only books from many centuries ago that no longer adhere with the human condition can do so.

The man following the examples of Saudi Arabia in the court of my bedroom,

Cameron Campbell

 

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