Tag Archives: judaism

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

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What Brand Race Are You?

Oh Internet nation, I am terribly confused!  Someone asked me recently how I define my race.  I told them white.  Then they asked me where I was born.  When I told them, their response was that I wasn’t truly white, that it’s impossible.  How can this be?  Well as soon as I learned the process, I learned that there is a lot to defining yourself:

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1)  Regional Background

Whiteness, Blackness and others are based upon the region of your birth.  The guys I spoke to said this is the first tell-tale sign of race.  This is because the region where you are born will define how you act later in life.  Eminem, for example, is attacked for being a white rapper, but he was raised in a world that could be defined as ‘black’; no daddy, mommy issues, and street rapping.

This is contrary to Urkel who, though he has dark skin, is nothing but a rich white kid in disguise with his stable home, high education, and family life.  No matter how quirky they are!  Urkel has a comfortable life as a ‘white’ kid.  Just look at that smile!

We concluded that I am white due to my being born in America, though we agreed that some states have a certain a relationship that could make their inhabitants another race.  For example, New Jersey is to New York as Puerto Rico is to the United States.  This means that people from New Jersey are first considered Hispanic/Spanish.  There is no argument about this anymore in the scientific community where they have proven that statement.

2)  Mixing and Purity

This deals with your parents and how their background affects your own definition of race and ethnicity.  In the same way that your region of birth defines you, so does the region of birth and mixing of those regions through your parents affects you.  For example, imagine both of your parents came to the United States (USA!) from a European nation.  You are first generation American-white.  However, they are not.  They are European white, and you are being raised in their household.  Does that make you a disgusting foreigner who should be shunned and ignored, or a proud native American who has nothing to do with dirty American Indians?

Between us, we created an equation that will aid you in defining your parental ethnicity.   If you are first generation America, begin with 15%.  If one is foreign, begin with 25%.  If both of your parents are natural citizens, you start with 50%.  If second generation or higher, add 15% times the generation you are (Ex. If you’re 3rd gen American, you add 45%).  Subtract 10% times the amount of foreigners your family marries into the family (anyone who requires a green card).  This subtraction only applies to family members who are natural born American citizens.  Any family members outside of the country are an automatic subtraction of 10%, but that is only for blood relatives.  If your aunt in Italy marries and Italian, you ONLY subtract for your aunt.  If, however, that foreign aunt marries an American, add 20%.  If said aunt has children, only first cousins count towards your percentage.  For first cousins you add or subtract 5% (above rules apply).  Territories count as American. (This math has not been perfected or checked by a mathematician.  Any questions about this section should be sent to Bill Gates.)

The measurement used for this test is American-white.  Since America is a first world country, it is considered a “white” country.  Especially since this was the face of our nation for eight years.

This number is a separate calculation to your own regional background (which is not a number).  The amount of American-white units you are is meant to be used as a gloating point.  It can be flaunted in front of foreigners who want to be American and friends who think they are more American than yourself.  But be careful, because you never know which friend will have more points.  Then who isn’t American, Mike!

3)  Physical Features

This is a critical point, but is also one of the hardest to define.  Physical features, such as a big Jewish noses (race?) or Vampire-sized teeth can change how others view you.  Though this may not be important to you, it is highly important for others.  It is through first looks and impressions that we acquire the necessary knowledge to hurt and ridicule a person.  It is important that you properly portray your race/ethnicity through your physical features, or else you’ll be discriminated for all the wrong reasons.

Some physical features can be confusing and may not give a complete answer to what you are.  For example, Jennifer Lopez has a big bubblicious butt that can only be described as a Hispanic backside( See stereotypes below for more information).

Yet we can find another equally superb ass (superbass!) hanging off Nicki Minaj’s spine, being supported by two concrete supports (also known as legs).

But Nicki, unlike Jennifer, identifies as Black.  Well this causes a conundrum, who has the Black ass and who has the Hispanic ass?  Are they interchangeable definitions?  What could possibly distinguish these two women?  The first two questions are just too highly philosophical for this debate and will be left to hip-hop experts and youtube commenters, but the third question can be answered with stereotypes.

4)  Stereotypes

Stereotypes are the tools we use to recognize race.  For example, “All Hispanic women have big butts”.  Incidentally, some scientists are studying whether the big butts are a direct result of their birthing hips, or an accidental side effect.  Jennifer Lopez (as seen above) fits this stereotype.  But so does Nicki, who identifies as Black.  We must use other stereotypes to differentiate them.

One of the things that sets them apart in these photos is their hair.  Nicki has long, straight hair.  Though many women may have this (and don’t define their race based on that), it is a well-known stereotype that Hispanic women have big curly hair.  Just like J-Lo, or Shakira.

You must be careful with stereotypes.  Some fit broad strokes of people, such as the above example involving butts.  J-Lo and Shakira can be categorized as Hispanic because they fit multiple stereotypes of that ethnicity.  In order to properly categorize someone, you start with a broad stereotype.  But you must work you way to more specific ones and match them with their proper category.  This guy recommends at least ten points of commonality within one category.  In this fashion you can avoid accidentally diagnosing your Asian Republican male friend as an Indian feminist female.

There are outliers to some stereotypes, such as Asians who can drive and Germans who love Jews.  These outliers should be ignored in the name of absolute ignorance.  The goal of these stereotypes is to keep us wary and separate.  How else can we do that without stereotypes?  Without them, how would I ever know that my Portuguese contractor and his Peruvian crew are really Mexican?  Things to remember when we tell each other to stop being judgmental.

5)  Skin Shade

Though we included this point, it was already proven to not be the best way to categorize someone.  Region of birth trumps skin shade, but it can still be very helpful in passing glance judgements.  I would include a chart, but if your environment doesn’t show you how to class someone based on their skin color, then I seriously consider how you were raised.

If you don’t know how to judge someone on skin tone, start learning!

6)  Religion

Some religions have the power to change your race if you so choose to follow them.  Here is the list, so that you know for your own good;

Christian: Anything is possible

Atheist: Anything is possible

Agnostic: Doesn’t change race, but does label you stupid

Jewish: White and/or Israeli

Mormon: White, even if they preach their God has accepted Blacks

Islam: ISIS affiliated?

Buddha: Chinese (the sad eyes)

Scientology: Sub-human

Greek/Roman: Dead

Aztec: Irrelevant/Dead

Campbellism: What everyone wants to be

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And there you have it!  Those are the six things you need to find your one true race and/or ethnicity.  Is everything I talked about race-related?  Not exactly.  Is my race just like my ethnicity?  Nope!  Can both be different?  Probably.  Do I want to stop asking myself questions about whether I confused race with ethnicity?  Yes!  You want to know so badly, ask the Internet on another tab!

If you have any further questions, feel free to e-mail your local government leaders, your Congressmen, your Senators, or our President.

What’s my race, you may ask, if not white?  Well I can’t share that.  A woman has to have her secrets, after all.

Your extra-terrestrial speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Saudi Arabia loves S&M

Cameron Campbell hear to tell all masochists that I have found for them the perfect location to practice their sick fetish!  You may disagree if you’re a masochist, but the Bible taught me that anything but fucking to have twelve children in the bedroom is a sin.  But Saudi Arabia has found a clever away around that sin by making it an imperative governmental punishment.

Flogging!  The greatest torture of love.  Invented by the Catholics during the witch trials and the hunting of the Jews to please the non-believers right before they climaxed during the ritual burning or drowning.  Flogging, as it is used today, is a dirty action within the bedrooms of sinners and businessmen (businessmen not being considered human).  The pride with which flogging has been revered throughout the years is realized in the incarceration of a blogger who criticized Saudi Arabian government and their strict adherence to Islamic law.  He now sits in his cell awaiting his masters to take him out the dungeon and into a public venue to receive his fifty lashes each Friday until he reaches 1,000 strikes, like a good boy.  It is unconfirmed at the moment whether he wanted to be arrested to receive his punishment for being naughty.

One man, not knowing the history of flogging, decided that this action taken by the Saudis was wrong and unjustified.  The U.N. HIGH commissioner for human rights posted on his website earlier this week, “In my opinion, at the very least, flogging is an inhuman punishment.”  How dare he post that on his website!  If that is his personal opinion, then he should post it on a blog or post it in a diary next to his bed.  But to sully his official website with such words leaves an unsavory flavor in my breakfast cereal.  If he is a member of the United Nations, then he must know that it is not his place to do anything about this incident.  In fact, I don’t know if the U.N. could do anything even if they wanted to.  I’m not even sure that they exist!  Someone call a U.N. number and see if anyone but a monkey voice answers.  If a person answers, then you must test to see if they are smarter than a monkey.

The only ones who can stop them is a global force for good, the good ol’ U.S. of A. (Why the United States of Apparel?).  However we, as good ol’ God-fearing people, know that interfering with this blogger’s punishment will be an attack against God’s will, as he wants us to keep flogging those who resist the path of his religion.  Even if it is the unconfirmed new branch of Islam that isn’t really God but Allah, it is still a monotheistic God (Allah) and I, personally, at the very least, will not risk them being one and the same person!  I hear Allah is exactly like the God of the Old Testament (Yahweh).

So Vive la Saudi Arabia!  Their implementation of an ancient punishment to humiliate, torture, and drive fear into the hearts of men matches exactly with the Old World Order where we fear our government and their ability to make us orgasm in public.  We Americans can learn from Saudi Arabia.  Instead of torturing our terrorists behind closed doors, we should nail them to crosses and hang them on Main Streets all across the nation.  That won’t look symbolic at all!  If any punishment is explicitly mentioned in a religious book, we of America should ensure that strict adherence to those laws shall be followed, as Saudi Arabia exemplifies for all of us to witness, including the United Nations (anyone call yet?), a multitude of human rights movements, and the Saudi Arabian people.  They are the only ones who understand that humans have no right to create laws, only books from many centuries ago that no longer adhere with the human condition can do so.

The man following the examples of Saudi Arabia in the court of my bedroom,

Cameron Campbell

 

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