Tag Archives: islam

Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

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A Power Grows in the East…And It’s Fabulous!

With the end of June came a big surprise from the Supreme Court-the Supreme Court STILL exists!  I know, this comes as a surprise since everyone on it barely understands how the world functions in this day and age.  Modern technology?  They are still trying to master the computers of the 90’s.  I may be the first person to report about this, just like that British reporter who caught on that ISIS decided to fly one of their flags at a gay pride parade.  Her and I are at the forefront of breakout news.  That is why I have a secondary surprise for all the people who recognize my brilliance: The Supreme Court, which still exists, has ruled that gay marriage should be legal throughout the country.  It’s official!  State governments no longer have a say in whether gay people want to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples!  Not that they needed marriage to do that, but now they can complain about their ‘spouse’ and not their ‘partner,’ or ‘special person’ or ‘cuddle buddy’.

While some people celebrate and others try to find a cute way to say “I don’t want to get married,” there are those out there who are taking the proper action to fight back against this insanity.  One of these heroes is Rick Scarborough, ex-pastor and John McCain look alike.  He has been fighting against gay marriage with the strength and tenacity of a rabid bulldog.  Even after his plot to stop the advancement of this obvious ruling was put down, he is still kicking and has a plan of his own to put himself down.  Before the Supreme Court officials were awoken from their doctor-recommended naps, Scarborough said, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary, we will burn.”  Yes! What better way to fight a ruling that hasn’t been backed by any other branch of government than by self-immolation?  We must get behind this man and join him in a chant as he lights himself aflame for his beliefs!

Unfortunately, he has not followed through on this promise.  He told Huffington post that he did not mean it.  The statement was only meant as a reference to a spiritual song, possibly sung by Johnny Cash.  That is a much better reference than the biblical story about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  No matter how strong his reference, I cannot help but notice how he fails to follow his game plan.  Why are we not marching through the streets in complete disarray, burning to death behind our fearless and burning leader?  Was that not the plan?  I had prepared my own personal share of kerosene and a boom box with a CD that had the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  I even convinced a friend of mine to run through a gay pride parade on his motorcycle wearing a ghost rider costume.  How am I going to take a video of that scene and Rick Scarborough burning for quick internet fame if it will never occur?

Luckily, there may be a way to save this momentous occasion and have it happen as prophesied by Scarborough.  In a faraway place known as Texas, there once was a man by the name of Tom DeLay.  After failed business attempts, he felt inclined to lead the people through example by partying all night long.  This was until he found God and Christ and began to do the work of the Lord in Congress.  His career came to an end when he was accused of misappropriating funds and donations to his cause.  This was not the reason for his quitting Congress.  He felt God calling to him and knew that it was time for a change of career.  His good friend Rick Scarborough has backed DeLay as the voice of God.  Yes, it may seem odd to think of DeLay as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but it becomes more apparent when you consider Scarborough’s attempts to create the Third Great Awakening in this country:

Coming soon to a town near you.

The lives of many people have been barely affected by an American-breaking decision made by old men in ankle-length skirts.  The decision, as it stands, sets a precedent for future lawyers to use in their battles for gays and their desire to be equal in civil standings, to be just like heterosexual couples.  But one group of people, led by one man, know that same-sex marriage cannot be allowed in the secular world or it will ruin our spiritual and religious lives.

His name is Rick Scarborough, and he holds the truth about this world.  Just like Islamists, he is surprised that God has allowed such a fowl nation like the United States to live on.  He has said we are the Great Satan.

Scarborough and his friend Tom DeLay have the solution to all of our problems: Eliminate the government and replace it with religion.  No, not some dangerous religion like Islam, but a dangerous religion like Christianity.

Witness the return of Stone Age religion in the 21st century and its attempt to reconcile with the advances of this age.

The day has come….and it is good!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I am really excited about this movie!  I can only hope that it appears all over the globe so that everyone recognizes and bows down to the power of Jesus Christ, or be sent to fiery pits of hell.

Mostly, I’m just glad that this happened in the Supreme Court.  It made it so much easier to ignore the fact that three simultaneous attacks occurred in Europe.  Who wants to discuss something serious with future repercussions, when I can talk about something that has already happened that has no serious effects on the world?

Your reality-escaping author,

Cameron Campbell

What Brand Race Are You?

Oh Internet nation, I am terribly confused!  Someone asked me recently how I define my race.  I told them white.  Then they asked me where I was born.  When I told them, their response was that I wasn’t truly white, that it’s impossible.  How can this be?  Well as soon as I learned the process, I learned that there is a lot to defining yourself:

—–

1)  Regional Background

Whiteness, Blackness and others are based upon the region of your birth.  The guys I spoke to said this is the first tell-tale sign of race.  This is because the region where you are born will define how you act later in life.  Eminem, for example, is attacked for being a white rapper, but he was raised in a world that could be defined as ‘black’; no daddy, mommy issues, and street rapping.

This is contrary to Urkel who, though he has dark skin, is nothing but a rich white kid in disguise with his stable home, high education, and family life.  No matter how quirky they are!  Urkel has a comfortable life as a ‘white’ kid.  Just look at that smile!

We concluded that I am white due to my being born in America, though we agreed that some states have a certain a relationship that could make their inhabitants another race.  For example, New Jersey is to New York as Puerto Rico is to the United States.  This means that people from New Jersey are first considered Hispanic/Spanish.  There is no argument about this anymore in the scientific community where they have proven that statement.

2)  Mixing and Purity

This deals with your parents and how their background affects your own definition of race and ethnicity.  In the same way that your region of birth defines you, so does the region of birth and mixing of those regions through your parents affects you.  For example, imagine both of your parents came to the United States (USA!) from a European nation.  You are first generation American-white.  However, they are not.  They are European white, and you are being raised in their household.  Does that make you a disgusting foreigner who should be shunned and ignored, or a proud native American who has nothing to do with dirty American Indians?

Between us, we created an equation that will aid you in defining your parental ethnicity.   If you are first generation America, begin with 15%.  If one is foreign, begin with 25%.  If both of your parents are natural citizens, you start with 50%.  If second generation or higher, add 15% times the generation you are (Ex. If you’re 3rd gen American, you add 45%).  Subtract 10% times the amount of foreigners your family marries into the family (anyone who requires a green card).  This subtraction only applies to family members who are natural born American citizens.  Any family members outside of the country are an automatic subtraction of 10%, but that is only for blood relatives.  If your aunt in Italy marries and Italian, you ONLY subtract for your aunt.  If, however, that foreign aunt marries an American, add 20%.  If said aunt has children, only first cousins count towards your percentage.  For first cousins you add or subtract 5% (above rules apply).  Territories count as American. (This math has not been perfected or checked by a mathematician.  Any questions about this section should be sent to Bill Gates.)

The measurement used for this test is American-white.  Since America is a first world country, it is considered a “white” country.  Especially since this was the face of our nation for eight years.

This number is a separate calculation to your own regional background (which is not a number).  The amount of American-white units you are is meant to be used as a gloating point.  It can be flaunted in front of foreigners who want to be American and friends who think they are more American than yourself.  But be careful, because you never know which friend will have more points.  Then who isn’t American, Mike!

3)  Physical Features

This is a critical point, but is also one of the hardest to define.  Physical features, such as a big Jewish noses (race?) or Vampire-sized teeth can change how others view you.  Though this may not be important to you, it is highly important for others.  It is through first looks and impressions that we acquire the necessary knowledge to hurt and ridicule a person.  It is important that you properly portray your race/ethnicity through your physical features, or else you’ll be discriminated for all the wrong reasons.

Some physical features can be confusing and may not give a complete answer to what you are.  For example, Jennifer Lopez has a big bubblicious butt that can only be described as a Hispanic backside( See stereotypes below for more information).

Yet we can find another equally superb ass (superbass!) hanging off Nicki Minaj’s spine, being supported by two concrete supports (also known as legs).

But Nicki, unlike Jennifer, identifies as Black.  Well this causes a conundrum, who has the Black ass and who has the Hispanic ass?  Are they interchangeable definitions?  What could possibly distinguish these two women?  The first two questions are just too highly philosophical for this debate and will be left to hip-hop experts and youtube commenters, but the third question can be answered with stereotypes.

4)  Stereotypes

Stereotypes are the tools we use to recognize race.  For example, “All Hispanic women have big butts”.  Incidentally, some scientists are studying whether the big butts are a direct result of their birthing hips, or an accidental side effect.  Jennifer Lopez (as seen above) fits this stereotype.  But so does Nicki, who identifies as Black.  We must use other stereotypes to differentiate them.

One of the things that sets them apart in these photos is their hair.  Nicki has long, straight hair.  Though many women may have this (and don’t define their race based on that), it is a well-known stereotype that Hispanic women have big curly hair.  Just like J-Lo, or Shakira.

You must be careful with stereotypes.  Some fit broad strokes of people, such as the above example involving butts.  J-Lo and Shakira can be categorized as Hispanic because they fit multiple stereotypes of that ethnicity.  In order to properly categorize someone, you start with a broad stereotype.  But you must work you way to more specific ones and match them with their proper category.  This guy recommends at least ten points of commonality within one category.  In this fashion you can avoid accidentally diagnosing your Asian Republican male friend as an Indian feminist female.

There are outliers to some stereotypes, such as Asians who can drive and Germans who love Jews.  These outliers should be ignored in the name of absolute ignorance.  The goal of these stereotypes is to keep us wary and separate.  How else can we do that without stereotypes?  Without them, how would I ever know that my Portuguese contractor and his Peruvian crew are really Mexican?  Things to remember when we tell each other to stop being judgmental.

5)  Skin Shade

Though we included this point, it was already proven to not be the best way to categorize someone.  Region of birth trumps skin shade, but it can still be very helpful in passing glance judgements.  I would include a chart, but if your environment doesn’t show you how to class someone based on their skin color, then I seriously consider how you were raised.

If you don’t know how to judge someone on skin tone, start learning!

6)  Religion

Some religions have the power to change your race if you so choose to follow them.  Here is the list, so that you know for your own good;

Christian: Anything is possible

Atheist: Anything is possible

Agnostic: Doesn’t change race, but does label you stupid

Jewish: White and/or Israeli

Mormon: White, even if they preach their God has accepted Blacks

Islam: ISIS affiliated?

Buddha: Chinese (the sad eyes)

Scientology: Sub-human

Greek/Roman: Dead

Aztec: Irrelevant/Dead

Campbellism: What everyone wants to be

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And there you have it!  Those are the six things you need to find your one true race and/or ethnicity.  Is everything I talked about race-related?  Not exactly.  Is my race just like my ethnicity?  Nope!  Can both be different?  Probably.  Do I want to stop asking myself questions about whether I confused race with ethnicity?  Yes!  You want to know so badly, ask the Internet on another tab!

If you have any further questions, feel free to e-mail your local government leaders, your Congressmen, your Senators, or our President.

What’s my race, you may ask, if not white?  Well I can’t share that.  A woman has to have her secrets, after all.

Your extra-terrestrial speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Saudi Arabia loves S&M

Cameron Campbell hear to tell all masochists that I have found for them the perfect location to practice their sick fetish!  You may disagree if you’re a masochist, but the Bible taught me that anything but fucking to have twelve children in the bedroom is a sin.  But Saudi Arabia has found a clever away around that sin by making it an imperative governmental punishment.

Flogging!  The greatest torture of love.  Invented by the Catholics during the witch trials and the hunting of the Jews to please the non-believers right before they climaxed during the ritual burning or drowning.  Flogging, as it is used today, is a dirty action within the bedrooms of sinners and businessmen (businessmen not being considered human).  The pride with which flogging has been revered throughout the years is realized in the incarceration of a blogger who criticized Saudi Arabian government and their strict adherence to Islamic law.  He now sits in his cell awaiting his masters to take him out the dungeon and into a public venue to receive his fifty lashes each Friday until he reaches 1,000 strikes, like a good boy.  It is unconfirmed at the moment whether he wanted to be arrested to receive his punishment for being naughty.

One man, not knowing the history of flogging, decided that this action taken by the Saudis was wrong and unjustified.  The U.N. HIGH commissioner for human rights posted on his website earlier this week, “In my opinion, at the very least, flogging is an inhuman punishment.”  How dare he post that on his website!  If that is his personal opinion, then he should post it on a blog or post it in a diary next to his bed.  But to sully his official website with such words leaves an unsavory flavor in my breakfast cereal.  If he is a member of the United Nations, then he must know that it is not his place to do anything about this incident.  In fact, I don’t know if the U.N. could do anything even if they wanted to.  I’m not even sure that they exist!  Someone call a U.N. number and see if anyone but a monkey voice answers.  If a person answers, then you must test to see if they are smarter than a monkey.

The only ones who can stop them is a global force for good, the good ol’ U.S. of A. (Why the United States of Apparel?).  However we, as good ol’ God-fearing people, know that interfering with this blogger’s punishment will be an attack against God’s will, as he wants us to keep flogging those who resist the path of his religion.  Even if it is the unconfirmed new branch of Islam that isn’t really God but Allah, it is still a monotheistic God (Allah) and I, personally, at the very least, will not risk them being one and the same person!  I hear Allah is exactly like the God of the Old Testament (Yahweh).

So Vive la Saudi Arabia!  Their implementation of an ancient punishment to humiliate, torture, and drive fear into the hearts of men matches exactly with the Old World Order where we fear our government and their ability to make us orgasm in public.  We Americans can learn from Saudi Arabia.  Instead of torturing our terrorists behind closed doors, we should nail them to crosses and hang them on Main Streets all across the nation.  That won’t look symbolic at all!  If any punishment is explicitly mentioned in a religious book, we of America should ensure that strict adherence to those laws shall be followed, as Saudi Arabia exemplifies for all of us to witness, including the United Nations (anyone call yet?), a multitude of human rights movements, and the Saudi Arabian people.  They are the only ones who understand that humans have no right to create laws, only books from many centuries ago that no longer adhere with the human condition can do so.

The man following the examples of Saudi Arabia in the court of my bedroom,

Cameron Campbell

 

https://shamilaghyas.wordpress.com/tag/raif-badawi/

Free Speech Should be Punishable By Law

The French have spoken, and there shall be no speaking!  Waging war on drugs, militant people, nations, all of these things are easy matters compared to the fight that the prosecutors of the state must enact upon people of a certain kind in the cities of Paris:  They fight the war against opinions.  Last week, in case you misunderstood the news, there was an attack on Charlie Hebdo by a group of upset children who could not agree with Charlie on who would play with which toys.  After the shootings on January 9th, only two days after, a large force of heavily armed gorilla soldiers ensured that the shooters would never return for a repeat performance.  The fight cannot be called over by any means due to those who show their support for the dead shooters, utilizing their power of free speech to wreak havoc on the streets, then go to bed by the time the sun goes down (French curfew).

As the Western World has decided to accept, freedom of speech has been promoted as a human right and a true form of democratic evolution.  However, in France, it has its limits.  One man who was arrested for a possible condoning statement was a french humorist named Dieudonne M’bala M’bala who posted on Facebook, “Tonight, as far as I’m concerned, I feel like Charlie Coulibaly.”  Coulibaly being the name of the shooter in the French market that happened the same day as Charlie Hebdo.  Though there is plenty of proof that Dieudonne is not a terrorist, his previous attacks done through his right to free speech broke France’s free speech laws.

Now I know many of you may object to France’s choice to break down on freedom of speech for those who want to show their support for the shooters of Charlie Hebdo, who fought for freedom of speech, but I support the French government.  It must be hard to lose their people, especially when you do not know who could be an enemy.  That is why it makes perfect sense to me that they arrest anyone and everything that says something that possibly condones the terrorists.  What else could be a better solution than to arrest anyone who says things in support of the shooters, or says nothing to support Charlie Hebdo.  In fact, I always felt it would be even more helpful if we arrested anyone who was unwilling to say anything.  I cannot stand those who don’t give a comment or an opinion.  Freedom of speech requires a comment, or else they are not practicing their fundamental right.  And yes, perhaps their comments will cause me some anger and, yes, maybe I will pick up a gun and decide they need to be shot, but it is what they deserve for practicing their right to freedom of speech.  And I cannot shoot them until they tell me where they stand on a particular issue.

And sure it looks like France is being harsh on people, but they are only doing exactly what Pope Francis argued in an interview on the Papal plane, “If someone ‘says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch,’ he joked, according to an Associated Press translation. ‘It’s normal. It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.’ ”  The Pope calls for us to limit the fundamental right of speech freedom, which is the example set by France for all nations to follow.  Freedom of speech should be limited to protect those who wish to practice free speech from being shot at (vague quote inferred from the Pope’s comments), as he went on to say when condemning the violence against these men that insulted his religion, and I think his mother should be offended.  The Pope is willing to punch his trusted sidekick for saying something against mom, but he isn’t willing to shoot up a group of people for insulting his religion that his mother was kind enough to raise him with?  What cruel fate for his mother.

If only the Pope had the balls of a man named Bill Donohue of the U.S.-based Catholic League who said this about the editor, Stephane Charbonnier, “Had he not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”  So true, Mr. Donohue!  Why blame the shooter, when we should be blaming the victim.  As I always say, it isn’t the rapists’ fault if the girl is cute.  Anywhere between a six and a ten cute scale, as voted by the judges on American Idol, the rapist should be set free.  The editors and cartoonists of Charlie Hebdo were asking for a shooting by practicing their fundamental right to free speech.  We cannot blame the shooters since Charlie published magazines with images of Mohammed, other religious leaders, political issues, or social concerns and walked into clubs in a cute dress just looking to have fun.

If only the United States practiced France’s idea of free speech, we could all be in prison and we would no longer have a prison problem, we would assure all of the world that none of us would ever leave the country due to an inflation of criminals that need to be incarcerated.  Then the Mexicans would have no desire to enter our borders, relieving us of the illegal immigrant issue, and this isn’t including all of the Canadians trying to take away our capitalist health care from poor Americans.  Truly, a limited free speech is the best kind of free speech.  It gives us the opportunity to punish those we despise for saying things we hate, just like the Salem witch trials.  And the limited free speech gives our unlimited government more to govern, it is the greatest idea since the invention of God-given authority: No one can prove who has the power.

Your Man!

Cameron Campbell

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-eu-30829005

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/world/wp/2015/01/15/pope-francis-on-charlie-hebdo-you-cannot-insult-the-faith-of-others/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/world/wp/2015/01/15/pope-francis-on-charlie-hebdo-you-cannot-insult-the-faith-of-others/

http://www.barenakedislam.com/2015/01/07/france-screaming-allau-akbarz-and-we-have-avenged-the-prophet-muslim-terrorists-attack-charlie-hebdo-satire-magazine-murdering-at-least-12-people/