Tag Archives: humor

Celebrating 1,000 Views: That’s All You Got?

Internet junkies and people who trying Internet just this one time!  Today is a historic day for those of you who stop and pay attention to something truly astonishing.  This website, that I so graciously began so that you can read all my incoherent ramblings, has finally reached 1,000 views!  Seeing as I have only had 567 visitors to the site, doubling the views ain’t so bad!

But this is not enough people.  Have you not read the title of this website?  You Didn’t Ask, But I’ll Answer.  Just because you haven’t asked, does not mean you don’t deserve an answer.  People need to know what they don’t care about.  Just as I am not satisfied with this result, neither should you.

Tell more people about this site.  Shove it in their faces that they are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.  Tell them about that one time I called Saudi Arabia a BDSM nation.  Remember that?  I don’t, but as lovers of this site, you should!

So get out there on your different social media sites.  Go on Twitter and Facebook and Myspace (it still exists!?), go to message boards and comments boxes and Instagram, go all over the web to any place that you can find that allows to insert text then copy/paste this link to them right now!  Because no one should be left in the cold and alone without any idea that I am here to offer them a blanket that I know no longer use.  It has a big hole in it.  I didn’t have sewing equipment so I just give it away as is.

If everyone who visits this site tells others, and those people tell other people they know, then we might just hit 2,000 views by the end of next year.

Your broke and spiritless author,

Cameron Campbell

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Halloween the Holiday!

Hello digital world!  Welcome to the day of witches and bitches!  I decided to play a bitch, so I dressed up like Hillary Clinton-boom!  But seriously, today is meant to be a day of fun and excitement for little children where they get to build fear-filled memories of daddy jumping from around the corner with a werewolf mask.  I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but if a zombie tries to bite me I will be arrested for assault.  So just like the 4th of July, I’m going to answer the questions that you haven’t asked about this most enjoyable of fake holidays.  Without further ado, let’s begin!

My white decided that he would dress up as a black guy who was shot by police and thought it would look better if he did black face.  Is that racist, or just a poor decision to show your political agenda?

Well that is a rather specific question, and I would like to point out that we need more questions like this that specify the problem quickly and efficiently so that answers can be found.  Without answers, then we are left in the dark with our questions.  That is a terrible idea during Halloween, as things hide in the darkness.  We need to protect our people from dark things that we cannot see, but know are there while they hide with their questions.

I didn’t really understand the question, so I answered as best I could.  I’m pretty sure black face is a spa term.

Was Halloween really an ancient tradition of the druids?

Halloween is a celebration for children.  Druids are World of Warcraft characters.  Silly fake person, treats are for kids!  Not the imaginary class of druids.

Was there ever a time when people weren’t allowed to wear costumes on Halloween?

Yes, there were.  We now refer to those times as the Dark Ages.  The span of time when there were no fun people in the world.  Not a single jokester or prankster in sight.  No one knows how the first funny person came to be the comedian to end the Dark Ages.  Some legends say that a secret organization bred children to be the perfect funny people deep underground and released them on the world when the time was right.  The name of this organization:  Fart.

When are people too old to trick or treat?

Just because you can’t get the treats doesn’t mean you can’t give out the tricks.  Just be careful of where you live.  For example, where I grew up, Old man Barnes put a sign on his lawn that said, “Beware, no trick or treating here.”  And next to the sign was Jason’s head on a spike.  He had rung the doorbell the year before I started trick or treating.

Now before you think I am being serious, I should tell you that I am being absolutely serious.  My town did not last long.  I ended up having to kill all the adults.  It was part of our Halloween tradition.  My town hasn’t been heard from since Halloween of 1760.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Your immortal ghoul speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Asian Persuasion Man

My nation of internet shut-ins, today our great Land in the Cloud was used for a heinous act.  As we all know, this place known as the Internet, the haven invented for us basement-dwelling folk, is filled only with love, honesty, and compassion for our fellow man. But there are those that attempt to ruin this perfect haven. Men like Michael Derrick Hudson who burden this locale with their lies and deception.

On September 9, 2015, an article was posted on The Blaze marking the destruction of our great sanctuary.  Unable to submit his poem “The Bees, the Flowers, Jesus, Ancient Tigers, Poseidon, Adam and Eve” under his name, Michael decided that he would try submitting it with a pen name: Yi-Fen Chou.  Surprisingly, people began to pay more attention to the poem!  I know, it sounds racist, but it is not, and here is why.  The title of the poem requires an Asian author.  If it was not Yi-Fen Chou, then other acceptable names would be Noodle Mein Foo, Chi Chong Pai, or Nonoyo Dam Business.

But Alyssa Wong opened my eyes with her self-chain self-discussion.  She feels,

“very, very strongly that Michael Derrick Hudson’s poem should be pulled from 2015 Best American Poetry bc it’s dishonest & racist.”

She is appropriately upset and for good reason!  Look what he has done.  Michael submitted a poem with Asian persuasion under a false name (like some kind of ninja).  And when he saw that people were more willing to accept the poem under his new name, he used a classic marketing maneuver: Repeating what works.  This is a clear misuse of the pure and honest marketing techniques that everyone recognizes and purports (pretty sure that means ‘portrays honestly’).  People never pretend to be of another race on any television show, in commercials, in movies, and especially not on the Internet.  So why should we allow this man to get away with it in literature?  No one has ever used a false name to publish novels, poetry, works of fiction, or any other writing form that uses recognized forms of communication.  Even the earliest caveman made sure to watermark his creation on the cave wall with his true initials.

What Michael has done is very not okay, in my eyes, and I feel strongly that something should be said only about him doing this.  Racial jokes by comedians or well-known actors is one thing, but a poet who attempts to deal with modern issues?  That is taking it too far.  No more ‘poetic license’ excuses!  No more, “it’s a statement about the state of publishing today.”  No more, “This says more about the editors reading the piece than my decision.”  We must end pen name-racism, because if we cannot be honest about who is writing the piece, how will we show our faces to Mrs. Silence Dogood, Erin Hunter, or the greatest of them all, Woody Allen?  All of these people are true to their word and true to their name.  And they never strayed from their birth-born title.

Your honest-to-lie storyteller,

Cameron Campbell

Additional reading:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/yifen-chou-white-author-uses-asian-pen-name-because-it-helps-him-get-published-more-often-10490578.html