Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”
You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.
I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!
Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.
People are right about Christmas. It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion. Christ was born, big-fucking whoop! Do you have a tree in your living room? Stockings above the fireplace? Mistletoe attached to the ceiling? Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’? Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen? If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!
There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas. Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney! Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled! The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!” It’s just so adorable.
A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief. Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized. When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.
Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,