Tag Archives: holiday

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

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Thanksgiving-The Buffer Holiday

Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event.  Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis.  The family pool is already up to 100 dollars.  It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!

Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays.  That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me.  Before you ask, I wasn’t high.  It was a dream.

He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom.  They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords.  It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule.  That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Don’t believe me?  Just take some acid and fall asleep.  The genie will tell you the whole story.  I’m going to take some more drugs.  See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday.  And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.

Your mooching best pal,

Cameron Campbell

Halloween the Holiday!

Hello digital world!  Welcome to the day of witches and bitches!  I decided to play a bitch, so I dressed up like Hillary Clinton-boom!  But seriously, today is meant to be a day of fun and excitement for little children where they get to build fear-filled memories of daddy jumping from around the corner with a werewolf mask.  I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but if a zombie tries to bite me I will be arrested for assault.  So just like the 4th of July, I’m going to answer the questions that you haven’t asked about this most enjoyable of fake holidays.  Without further ado, let’s begin!

My white decided that he would dress up as a black guy who was shot by police and thought it would look better if he did black face.  Is that racist, or just a poor decision to show your political agenda?

Well that is a rather specific question, and I would like to point out that we need more questions like this that specify the problem quickly and efficiently so that answers can be found.  Without answers, then we are left in the dark with our questions.  That is a terrible idea during Halloween, as things hide in the darkness.  We need to protect our people from dark things that we cannot see, but know are there while they hide with their questions.

I didn’t really understand the question, so I answered as best I could.  I’m pretty sure black face is a spa term.

Was Halloween really an ancient tradition of the druids?

Halloween is a celebration for children.  Druids are World of Warcraft characters.  Silly fake person, treats are for kids!  Not the imaginary class of druids.

Was there ever a time when people weren’t allowed to wear costumes on Halloween?

Yes, there were.  We now refer to those times as the Dark Ages.  The span of time when there were no fun people in the world.  Not a single jokester or prankster in sight.  No one knows how the first funny person came to be the comedian to end the Dark Ages.  Some legends say that a secret organization bred children to be the perfect funny people deep underground and released them on the world when the time was right.  The name of this organization:  Fart.

When are people too old to trick or treat?

Just because you can’t get the treats doesn’t mean you can’t give out the tricks.  Just be careful of where you live.  For example, where I grew up, Old man Barnes put a sign on his lawn that said, “Beware, no trick or treating here.”  And next to the sign was Jason’s head on a spike.  He had rung the doorbell the year before I started trick or treating.

Now before you think I am being serious, I should tell you that I am being absolutely serious.  My town did not last long.  I ended up having to kill all the adults.  It was part of our Halloween tradition.  My town hasn’t been heard from since Halloween of 1760.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Your immortal ghoul speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Happy 6th of July

Welcome to July 6th!  The day when (maybe) the founding fathers signed (possibly) the Declaration of Independence.  Don’t believe me? Well fine!  Let’s just ask one of the founding fathers.  Someone get a Wiccan to summon Benjie, I really need to ask him about the latest 18th century fashion I could try.  If you’re uncomfortable with a Wiccan, thinking they could create a lying specter, then we can find a necromancer to bring John Hancock back.  We can get an answer to the question and a real John Hancock.

Some of you out there may have some questions about the founding fathers, so I have come today to answer some of the questions you haven’t asked.

1) Were the founding fathers vampires?

It was rumored that Samuel Adams may have been one, the supporting evidence being his love of violence.  However, he is not considered a founding father, so we are in the clear there.  It was also never mentioned that people have the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and a human’s jugular.  That is a good sign for me.

2) Did the founding fathers really write the founding documents knowing that in the future there would be arguments over what types of guns are protected by the second amendment rights?

Of course they knew machine guns would be invented!  In fact, in Ben Franklin’s secret notebook, he had a prototype drawing of one.  He just couldn’t figure out how to get enough fairy dust to fire the bullets.  And of course everyone at the time was arguing how they needed personal cannons.  What did they use to defend this claim?  Well there isn’t any record of people claiming they need personal cannons.  But believe me when I say that every household requires automatic weaponry and tanks!

3) How gay was Thomas Jefferson when he wrote the Declaration of Independence?

There are many arguments against this claim, but his leftist and liberal arguments say otherwise.  Only a gay man could argue that everyone has the right to life and liberty.  Pursuit of happiness?  A hidden gay agenda.  No proper Republican would give anyone the chance to live their life without adhering to some strict and absolute rules.  This is because Republicans are big, burly men.  And yes, some of our penises may be tiny, but we make it up by being very good at pleasing ourselves in bed.

4) I (you) always thought that Fourth of July was just a time to get great sales.

Does it have to be anything else?  That is exactly what that day was meant to be!  A day when we can exploit already cheap merchandise and low paid employees to stay inside on a celebratory holiday to serve our selfish needs for a blender at a quarter of the price.  Democracy!  Capitalism!  That’s my 50% off Dora the Explorer backpack!

5) Do I have to do something special during this ‘holiday’?

Well, not technically.  But if you don’t celebrate I’ll brand you a terrorist all over the Internet.  I would apologize but only terrorists don’t celebrate 4th (or 6th) of July.  That’s what the Internet says.  And it is full of truth.

Well, that’s all from me for this wonder of holidays.  See you in a few months when we celebrate another holiday about old farts writing stuff!

Your patriotic dumbass,

Cameron Campbell