Tag Archives: hillary

My Partisan Protection of the President: A Devin Nunes Story

This story will begin at where we are now because we, as a society, cannot remember anything for more than a week. Retaining information is just so tiring, you know? The only reason I “remember” my mom’s birthday is because of Facebook. And the only reason I “remember” Facebook exists is because it constantly sends updates to my phone. Never bring me to trivia night. I will forget why the Civil War happened so fast my answer will be, “Because Captain America has the hots for the winter soldier and is unwilling to accept his stable relationship with Iron Man.” That’s the most recent and the most relevant Civil War in our history. I cannot help but wonder what will happen to our society if we are forced to choose sides between heroes.

But none of that matters now! That’s all in the past. This story is not about the past. It doesn’t even have a past because it is that fricking new. We begin with now when House Republicans and the White House released a memo put together by Devin Nunes. Who is Devin Nunes? Who knows! This is about the memo he wrote and has nothing to do with the man. The four-page document was released on February 2, 2018 so the public could see exactly what is meant by “government conspiracy against Trump.” According to boy wonder all grown up Paul Ryan, the release of this memo has nothing to do with the Russian FBI probe.

Ryan said it all folks, it has nothing to do with the DOJ or FBI, so we can rel-OH SHIT NO WAIT IT IS ACTUALLY TOTAL PROOF OF EVERYTHING.

The orangutan dressed like a person is right! This memo absolutely vindicates “Trump” (whatever the hell “Trump” means in monkey-speak). All this memo does is raise questions about the ethics of the FISA court’s ruling and whether its powers were abused by an entire branch of the government for political gain with no evidence to sustain an argument. But since the evidence to prove the memo is inaccurate is currently classified, it is a victory for the White House!

Ryan has said that releasing this memo is not to try and impugn the FBI or the DOJ and we all know how trustworthy he can be. Not once has his position on Trump ever changed.

So I will rest easy tonight believing that Trump will try to fire the heads of the FBI and DOJ (which he totally has the right to do btdubbs) and Ryan will stop him based on his morals, belief in the separations of power, and the Constitution. But this is a future story and the chance of us becoming Russia is still possible.

What is the origin of this memo? I’m sure one of you noble Americanites is wondering about the hero behind this historic memo. Well fine if you want a backstory! You might be a noble Americanite, but your need for comic book-style origin stories is frustrating.

Devin Nunes decided to get into politics at the young age of 29 and studied under some of the greatest future Trump defenders like Kevin McCarthy and Paul Ryan. When he was elected to his seat he was considered a moderate. He even called the Tea Party’s plan to implement a government shutdown like “lemmings with suicide vests.” Which makes sense when you think about it. Lemmings can’t put on enough TNT to do proper damage to anything. Sure, all they need to do is group together and blow up all at once thus taking away your legs. But I’m sure none of them are smart enough to come up with that idea.

So Trump becomes president and everything seems all right for about the first two weeks, until it is “leaked” that the election team may have had interactions with the Russians to influence the elections. Well, clearly they had no contact with anyone from Russia.

Nunes became scared for the populist leader he had sworn allegiance and he ran over to the White House to ask if there was anything he could do. This is where he was given the idea of a memo. He took the information given to him by White House officials, ran it over to Congress to give a press release, and then ran it back to the White House so the president could see his good work. Nunes was reprimanded by his own committee members and Republicans of the House for not following protocol and was placed under review.

Is the source of his information questionable since it came from the White House? Not according to Lamar Smith! The president is the ONLY reliable source for information about him and what he has accomplished. After all, he picks up the phone when his children call and that says a lot about his nuclear policy.

//www.c-span.org/video/standalone/?c4651432

Ah yes, we always trust only the source of the issue. It’s why we all get to look forward to Harvey Weinstein’s next movie epic starring Bill Cosby and the corpse of Roger Ailes. So now we know! The only reliable source of information is Trump, thanks to the fact that he is president and nothing else. It feels so good to be able to put my faith into one thing, one PERSON, and never have to worry about thinking for myself again. Please join me in praying to the Almighty President who will return us to the Promised Land that we invented for ourselves. So don’t worry about the Russian Probe! According to Trump, it’s dead in the water. Worried that you won’t have a job? Just take one of those sweet coal mining positions in another state Trump has kept open for you! And he never had a woman pee on him. Wait, he never explicitly denied that?

Well what about Hillary and her emails!? Benghazi!? Her husband!?

Yeah, that ought to distract long enough to forget about Trump and a potential piss tape.

Your Fact-Fighting Champion,

Cameron Campbell

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There Can Only Be One: 2016 Election Conclusion: Part 1

Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.

Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!

On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.

I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.

I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.

The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.

The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.

What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.

Actually…
America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.

It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.

Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,

Cameron Campbell