Tag Archives: hillary clinton

There Can Only Be One: 2016 Election Conclusion: Part 1

Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.

Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!

On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.

I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.

I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.

The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.

The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.

What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.

Actually…
America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.

It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.

Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,

Cameron Campbell

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Clinton Can Chillax

Finally, my nation of fellow politically-retarded people, there is an answer to the greatest question of all:  Is Obama really American?  Personally, I’ve never believed it to be true.  That’s why I was a supporter of Trump’s solution to that very question.  If we scream at Obama long enough he will give in and answer our calls, right?  It worked for the anti-war movement under Nixon!

Apparently this question has already been answered, but as someone who is unable to admit when they are wrong, I will keep fighting the good fight to prove he is a Kenyan bent on making us subservient to the African nations, just like these good people.  Do not fear, my ever-terrified readers, there is still plenty of reasons to be afraid!  Vice president of the United States and president of ‘We Love Obama’ fan club, Joe Biden announced this past week that he would not be running in the 2016 president election.

This piece of information comes as a huge relief to Clinton, who had designed ‘apology Clinton’ for an attack ad involving Biden’s son.  With him officially claiming, ‘I don’t have the time to make bank,’ Clinton and her homemade war chest are ready to win the school election.  She has promised to make school lunches pizza every day and free for all students.  I don’t know about you, but I love pizza!  She has my vote!  Join me in showing her support by throwing pizza slices at her during her next speech!

Your stomach-driven voter,

Cameron Campbell

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

I Cannot Be Partisan, I am Liberal!

Nation of followers, I am more confused than when I was told that people have ideas that differ from my own. What? You mean not everyone thinks that Hitler had a decent shot of being an artist if the CIA had not pressured him to become a dictator? Look it up. It’s a fact I imagined. It’s probably already on Wikipedia.  Now something far worse plagues me and makes me question my existence as an extreme republican. And that is the existence of extreme democrats. I thought I was special and extreme! Specially extremely special! Occupy Democrats are forcing me to question myself. What is the point of being extreme if my opponents are going to copy me?

As it confuses me, it also enrages me. How dare they take my system of pure outrage and use it against me! Against us, my fellow demo-…republicans! Yelling things without proof is the system that we perfected. And Jeff the intern had sent in papers to copyright this technique.

Wait, he didn’t?  Are you sure?  Dammit Jeff!  You are going to get such a spanking when I am done here!

Well, if you know nothing about Occupy Democrats, let me tell you just a few key points.  If you don’t spend a lot of time being political on Facebook or are just a seriously creepy person who doesn’t socialize and get all of their news from Facebook (who does that!?), then you may have not seen threads like this appear all over dashboards everywhere:

I have to say, if it weren’t for the mention of Obama, I would not be sure of whether I was supposed to be in support of the image or the comment. Thank goodness people use names and labels! But if you look at what Occupy Democrats has done, it is clearly a direct hijacking of our republican bashing system. Just look at Bill O’Reilly and his attempt to portray Christianity as a philosophy and not a religion. It is this kind of insane, unintelligent, and completely one-sided arguments that we have spent years developing. Then we honed our skills, and trained the younglings; Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, pretty much all of Fox News, and many of the famous of the republican party. Some of them tried to form their own dojos, like Rand Paul.  He was a failure.

But when I heard about Governor Cuomo’s idea to shut down the government to force gun reform, I lost it. That was our idea first to force discussion about Planned Parenthood! And as I researched further, I found MSNBC and other liberal news sites pulling our republican tactics on us. What has the world come to when populace-view grabbing television techniques can be taken and used so easily! It’s like no one respects their senseis and the hard work we went through creating these martial arts for them…damn you, Ralph Macchio!

It took some time, but after shooting my gun into the sky and pointing it at random passersby, I calmed down enough to realize the beauty of this moment.  Like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus, I felt the sun start to give me sun burn and ran indoors as fast as I could.  Occupy Democrats may have taken our system, but they can be just as destructive to bipartisanship and open dialogue as we are.  In fact, no one can deter talks between two groups better than us extremists.

So keep posting your images that claim anyone who dislikes Obama is a traitor to this nation while claiming that we should lower the amount of people we have in our prisons.  We will keep screaming about the war on our religious holidays, that are really only part of our philosophy.  And maybe for a class project, we can trade extremes, try and fight from the opposite perspective.  Because it doesn’t matter what we are saying, so long as it has no basis in fact and blatantly attacks the other side! I want to see more of this, Occupy Democrats. So long as you have us focus on fighting you and your extreme ideas with our own extreme ideas, we will never have to talk to each other about real issues or worry about making real change.

Your Extreme brother-from-a-republican-mother,

Cameron Campbell

Want to read from other people about Occupy Democrats?  Click on the links below.

This one is rather well worded.

Manny Schewitz

This one is a little more angry, but he gets his point to the reader.

Click Here

The Clinton Family: A Private Family

As we all know, from when Bill Clinton was president, that this couple is extremely closed off and handle any marital, or business issues, outside of the public eye.  All you need to do is look at how well they handled the firing of his intern chipmunk, Monica Lewinsky.  They couldn’t outright tell her that her services were no longer needed, so they faked Monica’s memories to make her think that she had slept with the president.  Pretty sneaky, right?  But brilliant, I think we can all agree.  The only hiccup was that Monica believed it so much that she went off and faked evidence for the relationship.  And to think, only one more month and the effects of the hypnotism would have disappeared, making her a nobody once more.  The same thing happened when he was governor!  You think they would have worked out the kink in the false memories project BEFORE he became president.

But once again, the Clintons are being attacked for being private, but the attackers have changed teams, focusing their assault on the ex-Secretary of State, soon-to-be-(possible)-candidate, and already-made billionaire Hillary Clinton.  If you haven’t heard about her yet, then pull up a chair, grab your favorite ice cream with a spoon, and listen because this is the juiciest gossip.  You know how some politicians have gotten away with killing people with their cars (Laura Bush), or some people still hold office after their slow but obvious transformation into a turtle (Mitch McConnell).  Well, Hillary Clinton has just proven to be just as evil as these other politicians who claim to do things in our interest, when really they are attempting to protect themselves.  What she has done is so heinous that the very mention of this fault against our nation should cause your stomach to wrap in knots.  Calm down, I’ll still tell you what she did, so stop swinging your spoon around like that!

Here it is: Hillary Clinton used a personal email service for government work and is unwilling to give people access to her emails between her and other nations’ officials.  Now this may sound like a problem, but if you think that then you’re just blowing it out of proportion.  A personal email used for work purposes is an absolutely acceptable thing for her to do.  Just look at Anthony Weiner!  He was using snapchat to discuss a weird rash on his penis with his doctor and accidentally posted it for everyone to see.  But it began as a purely professional relationship through a social and personal tool.  The same thing applies here with Hillary.  Plus, I heard a rumor that her husband slept with a chipmunk, but don’t tell anyone.  It’s a secret.

Some republicans have been saying that this is a national security issue, and that she has put our nation in peril by not using the government system to email nations.  Perhaps some hacker would want access to her email and use it for nefarious reasons, like telling Iraq that they smell a lot like oil and shame (oh no he didn’t!).

Now I’m sure there is a perfectly legitimate reason why Hillary would decide to use an email supported by companies like Google or…someone else who may exist that have shown their ability to not protect users information as much as they say.  And one day she may deem us able to handle her answer.  But until then, we must trust her word about the emails, because a politician’s word is always reliable.

Your compulsive liar,

Cameron Campbell

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/09/us/politics/as-hillary-clinton-stays-quiet-about-private-emails-republicans-seize-moment-to-criticize-her.html?action=click&contentCollection=Science&region=Footer&module=TopNews&pgtype=article&_r=0