Tag Archives: donald trump

My Partisan Protection of the President: A Devin Nunes Story

This story will begin at where we are now because we, as a society, cannot remember anything for more than a week. Retaining information is just so tiring, you know? The only reason I “remember” my mom’s birthday is because of Facebook. And the only reason I “remember” Facebook exists is because it constantly sends updates to my phone. Never bring me to trivia night. I will forget why the Civil War happened so fast my answer will be, “Because Captain America has the hots for the winter soldier and is unwilling to accept his stable relationship with Iron Man.” That’s the most recent and the most relevant Civil War in our history. I cannot help but wonder what will happen to our society if we are forced to choose sides between heroes.

But none of that matters now! That’s all in the past. This story is not about the past. It doesn’t even have a past because it is that fricking new. We begin with now when House Republicans and the White House released a memo put together by Devin Nunes. Who is Devin Nunes? Who knows! This is about the memo he wrote and has nothing to do with the man. The four-page document was released on February 2, 2018 so the public could see exactly what is meant by “government conspiracy against Trump.” According to boy wonder all grown up Paul Ryan, the release of this memo has nothing to do with the Russian FBI probe.

Ryan said it all folks, it has nothing to do with the DOJ or FBI, so we can rel-OH SHIT NO WAIT IT IS ACTUALLY TOTAL PROOF OF EVERYTHING.

The orangutan dressed like a person is right! This memo absolutely vindicates “Trump” (whatever the hell “Trump” means in monkey-speak). All this memo does is raise questions about the ethics of the FISA court’s ruling and whether its powers were abused by an entire branch of the government for political gain with no evidence to sustain an argument. But since the evidence to prove the memo is inaccurate is currently classified, it is a victory for the White House!

Ryan has said that releasing this memo is not to try and impugn the FBI or the DOJ and we all know how trustworthy he can be. Not once has his position on Trump ever changed.

So I will rest easy tonight believing that Trump will try to fire the heads of the FBI and DOJ (which he totally has the right to do btdubbs) and Ryan will stop him based on his morals, belief in the separations of power, and the Constitution. But this is a future story and the chance of us becoming Russia is still possible.

What is the origin of this memo? I’m sure one of you noble Americanites is wondering about the hero behind this historic memo. Well fine if you want a backstory! You might be a noble Americanite, but your need for comic book-style origin stories is frustrating.

Devin Nunes decided to get into politics at the young age of 29 and studied under some of the greatest future Trump defenders like Kevin McCarthy and Paul Ryan. When he was elected to his seat he was considered a moderate. He even called the Tea Party’s plan to implement a government shutdown like “lemmings with suicide vests.” Which makes sense when you think about it. Lemmings can’t put on enough TNT to do proper damage to anything. Sure, all they need to do is group together and blow up all at once thus taking away your legs. But I’m sure none of them are smart enough to come up with that idea.

So Trump becomes president and everything seems all right for about the first two weeks, until it is “leaked” that the election team may have had interactions with the Russians to influence the elections. Well, clearly they had no contact with anyone from Russia.

Nunes became scared for the populist leader he had sworn allegiance and he ran over to the White House to ask if there was anything he could do. This is where he was given the idea of a memo. He took the information given to him by White House officials, ran it over to Congress to give a press release, and then ran it back to the White House so the president could see his good work. Nunes was reprimanded by his own committee members and Republicans of the House for not following protocol and was placed under review.

Is the source of his information questionable since it came from the White House? Not according to Lamar Smith! The president is the ONLY reliable source for information about him and what he has accomplished. After all, he picks up the phone when his children call and that says a lot about his nuclear policy.


Ah yes, we always trust only the source of the issue. It’s why we all get to look forward to Harvey Weinstein’s next movie epic starring Bill Cosby and the corpse of Roger Ailes. So now we know! The only reliable source of information is Trump, thanks to the fact that he is president and nothing else. It feels so good to be able to put my faith into one thing, one PERSON, and never have to worry about thinking for myself again. Please join me in praying to the Almighty President who will return us to the Promised Land that we invented for ourselves. So don’t worry about the Russian Probe! According to Trump, it’s dead in the water. Worried that you won’t have a job? Just take one of those sweet coal mining positions in another state Trump has kept open for you! And he never had a woman pee on him. Wait, he never explicitly denied that?

Well what about Hillary and her emails!? Benghazi!? Her husband!?

Yeah, that ought to distract long enough to forget about Trump and a potential piss tape.

Your Fact-Fighting Champion,

Cameron Campbell

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

There Can Only Be One: 2016 Election Conclusion: Part 1

Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.

Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!

On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.

I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.

I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.

The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.

The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.

What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.

America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.

It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.

Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,

Cameron Campbell

Was the CNN Debate Staged?

The answer to the question above is yes, it is indeed placed upon a stage.  Cameron Campbell here to explain the complicated topics that the Republican candidates gave us during the last debate.  From Trump’s riveting riddle of “How I am not a dick, and why you’re already voting for me,” all the way to Chris Christie’s “How New Jersey is better than New York.” These two ideas alone are difficult to understand, Christie’s being clearly impossible. Let us take this slow, my online nation, and begin simply. If you missed the debate, don’t worry, I’ll cover all of the essentials in this blog post right here. We will travel from one candidate to another and pretend that we all care about what is happening.
Here are some of the most common comments from this debate:

  • When I was (position) of (state or company) I brought (state or company) out of debt and created a surplus.
  • The government has failed us and I, (candidate name), can fix it for everyone.
  • Something needs to be done about (Liberal ideal) and I have a plan to fix it, so vote me as president.
  • I am the only one on this stage who fought for (Republican ideal). And it’s going great.
  • Planned Parenthood needs to go!
  • Government needs to be less involved in (insert liberal ideal).
  • Government needs to be more involved in (insert conservative ideal).
  • I’m more for (Republican ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • I’m more against (Liberal ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • What Obama has done is terrible, and I promise to tear down everything that is Obama.
  • Obama is the source of all of our problems, and we are clearly the opposite of him.
  • I am not Obama.

Donald Trump Quotes

  • Autism is an epidemic.
  • I will take care of women. I respect women.
  • Mexico is funneling their killers and rapists across the border.
  • We need a wall, and to deport all of the illegals immediately.
  • I never said that.
  • Once I am elected, I will put a team together to deal with said issue. The best, the best people.
  • I was never bankrupt.

Now let us begin the retelling of the greatest debate to ever be completely forgettable. I should warn you all now, though I have perfect memory, I was not able to stay awake for the entire debate. The parts where Kasich started to talk put me to sleep immediately. But, as I promised at the beginning of this project, I did my few minutes of research by pressing random keys on the keyboard. I’m pretty sure Kasich has something against lounges. Not that I disagree. I think lounge chairs are out to eat me, but that is no reason to get rid of lounges. More on that later! We will start with the one who leads the polls and work our way down.

Donald Trump

Show Equivalent: Pinky and the Brain (he plays both roles)

Description: Dried-up orange with a wig

Awards:  All given to me by me

If you want someone who will say anything for votes, then you have found your candidate in me.  I am willing to say whatever you want, you want me to say that the entire world is the enemy of America?  No problem!  Want me to say that the we are weak and frail and that I am new-age Jesus?  I don’t need to say that when my actions show you that all too well.  Look at me: making lots of money, manipulating markets and politicians, marrying whoever I please without thinking of the consequences, saying anything I want without thinking about it, all these things are characteristics of Jesus!  And I am honored that you have already chosen me as your savior in your hearts, just don;t forget to let everyone know that I am the correct choice.

Ben Carson

Show Equivalent: The Cosby Show? (Without all the rape)

Description: Republican Obama

Awards: I don’t like to be prideful

I don’t hate, I don’t judge, and I definitely don’t fight particularly for myself.  I am quiet on the stand, you can listen to me talk calmly to you as if you are an adult that can understand what I am saying even if the ideas may seem difficult or unimportant to you.  I will not be shaken by people misunderstanding my quotes.  This especially when Donald Trump (very nice man) says things that are abhorrent and terrible.  He just makes me so mad I could strangle him!  No. no that’s not me.  I’m also still held by my hippocratic oath for another two years.  That’s when I’ll get him.  When he will pay for pretending that he has never attacked others, and tells me to grow up…yes…yes…

Jeb Bush

Show Equivalent: Empire

Description: Not a Bush!  I’m Jeb.  Jeb.  Just Jeb.


Past Careers: Just being Jeb

I am not the start of a monarchy!  I mean, okay, sure, there has never been three people from the same family in the president’s chair.  I worked very hard to be known as Jeb in my state.  People know me as Jeb.  I tried to remove my last name, but they told me that to do so would be lying to the American people and told me it is illegal.  Just pretend that I am not a Bush, that my daddy and brother don’t exist, and look at me for who I am: a career politician who reveals a very basic Republican ideal that you can get from any career politician.  So vote for me, Jeb the basic bitch politician.

And, for the record, my brother did not screw up.  I would not have made that call, even with the information of the time, but he did not screw up.

Carly Fiorina

Spirit Animal: Horse

Political Alignments:  Blindly Republican

You looking at me?  Let me just be clear.  I am a Republican woman and I am not Hillary Clinton.  In fact she is evil, and other obvious evils are evil.  Planned Parenthood is evil, ISIS is evil, Russia is evil, and all of these problems can be fixed with one simple solution:  Military force.  We don’t need law, we don’t need other nations.  All we need is another Great White Fleet to show the world what they already know.  America is the greatest that exists, and we can bomb you whenever and wherever we please.  So deal with it.

Oh, and I never screwed up at Hewlett Packard.  In fact, they thrived under my leadership.  Check it.

Marco Rubio

Show Equivalent: Spongebob SquarePants

Description: Young and Cuban

Status: If anyone asks, born and raised American immigrant

I might be young, and I might seem inexperienced, but I am an adult.  I have a wife, some kids, and my mother lets me stay out until 12, 12:30 on the weekends.  When I arrive at the Senate, everyone says hello.  When I say something good I get a gold star on my chair.  Sometimes my friends and I play pranks on the other senators, and we all laugh.  Like the other day, i announced that John Boehner gave up his position!  Then I found out my prank was truth.  That was pretty rough.  I asked mom for a second apple juice with dinner that night.  She said yes, so that helped a little.

Ted Cruz

Show Equivalent: House of Cards (If it were made by Amazon Prime)

Spirit Animal: Racoon with presidential aspirations

Just because I look and talk like a Disney villain, does not mean that I am one. I have many ideas for this great nation, one of which being a statue made in my honor.  Just look at my nose!  It already looks like it was chiseled out of rock.  I make a solid promise, on this stage, that I will honor all Republican ideals while fulfilling my own selfish desires.  I further promise that everything I accomplish for myself will be done using your money.  See?  I’m not such a bad guy.  Like Donald Trump, I just come out and tell it like it is!

Chris Christie

Favorite meal: Favorite?  Bring it all!

Presidential Ambitions: Shut up, this is for the people.

Stop whining all of you!  We are not here for us.  We are here for the people.  This is my resume for nanny of the president.  I promise that whoever is placed in the chair will be watched by me.  Just like how I broke up the fight between Carly Fiorina and Donald Trump, so I promise to stop the president from pulling any bullshit while working for the people.  You thought I was up here to fight for my own personal gain?  To prove that I am worthy of being president?  Screw that, give me the nanny position!  I don’t have time for this, I have to clean up the shores of my state.

Mike Huckabee

Show Equivalent: Anything that never made it past the first season

Hobbies: Oh, what do you care?

No one even knows I exist!  I barely said anything in either debate.  I said so little that I don’t even remember what I’ve said.  I think people know me as that guy standing next to Rand Paul.  It’s not fair!  I have ideas, just like all of these guys!  It’s not fair that they treat me like everyone else treats Al Gore.  At least I have a personality!  Just let me enjoy being under a spotlight that isn’t owned by Fox for a little and I promise I’ll never bother you again.

John Kasich

Show Equivalent: Anything that only has reruns

Fun Fact: Last name sounds Middle Eastern (Qasiq)

Work with foreign nations!  Foreign security!  I worked with them!  Listen to me!  Foreign policy!  Foreign policy!  I can do that shit!  Foreign policy!

Oh, yeah, and education. I want to fix that too.

Rand Paul

Show Equivalent: The X-files

Party Affiliation: Still figuring that out

I don’t have the most popular ideas.  Not many people in either party can stand me.  And, overall, my ideas can be confusing and conflicting.  But, on the upside, I’ll probably run again in four years.  Vote Rand Paul 2020!

Scott Walker

Scott Walker has been stricken from the official record.  He is presumed to have never existed.  Never bring up his name again.  He is a disgrace to all that is Republican and unwavering in the face of whatever we hate on any particular day.

There they are, the 2016 GOP presidential candidates!  I know it’s a long read, but remember that voting here is a privelege, an honor, and very American.  And if you don’t, I’ll release my internet trolls on you to destroy your reputation with language and threats that will not be viewed as disturbing or dangerous by anyone.  My trolls are hateful, but they are respected.

Join me again in a few weeks when Hillary Clinton goes head-you-head with Bernie Sanders.  A roaring debate between two fierce candidates with other people standing around them.

Your political voice,

Cameron Campbell