Tag Archives: comedy

I Am Aware of Breasts

Fellow shut-ins, I was surprised by a piece of information today, and I felt I needed to share it with you.  You know those things between your neck and your stomach that droop down from your chest?  Apparently women have them too!  And they aren’t called chesticles, they are breasts.  Or as doctors know them, boobs.  Boobs can come in all different shapes and sizes, as well as a fine choice of real, fake, or supported.  It’s amazing what you can find on the internet when you search the word ‘boob’ (try it for yourself, but this one was my favorite).

On top of this knowledge, another boob bomb was laid at my feet: boobs can get cancer.  Learn more here at WebMd.  If everything on the internet is true, then everyone needs to read this website right now.  Everything gives you cancer, and I am not referring to the song.  I mean everything is a source of cancer!  Or it’s a common cold.  One or the other.  Talk to your local browser to make sure.

But people who began the breast cancer awareness are upset.  Said by one Cindy Pearson, The pinkification of the month of October, from football cleats to coffee cups, isn’t helping women. And how correct she might be!  But if it weren’t for someone saying to me ‘happy breast cancer awareness month,’ I would have never known that October was breast cancer awareness month.  I would be walking around like a fool thinking October was the birthday month of multiple important Americans of the past or the month when War of the Worlds was broadcasted on the radio.  Foolish me, thinking about something other than breasts!

Cindy has a point, making a few items pink won’t be enough to help remind women that they have cancer.  And it definitely won’t be enough for people who want to show that they can afford a pink bow to show awareness.  We are going to have to make everything that we sell pink.  Make pink tampons, and pink contacts.  We must be able to look at everyone around us and see that they are supporting people with cancer by reminding them that they have cancer!

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently I misunderstood their message.  Cindy, like other people, are upset that everything is being ‘pinkified’ for awareness.  What they want isn’t awareness.  They want research into finding a cure for breast cancer, and what a noble fight!  Searching for a way to save people and their breasts using 21st century technology-

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently people have already started research on cancer, breast-related or otherwise, a long time ago.  They view it as a killer, but they don’t have enough funding due to some funders putting their money into movements like ‘breast cancer awareness’.  Well I say good riddance!  How are we supposed to find a cure for any cancer if no one knows that cancer exists?  We need more awareness movements so that people know cancer can appear-

I’m sorry?  They did?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently they have already found out that cancer can appear in almost any part of the body.  No one has found dick cancer as far as I know, but who knows what the future will hold!  Maybe, in our lifetimes, there will be a day when men begin getting dick cancer.  We can make September ‘dick cancer awareness’ month and sport our blue speedos with pride to let people know that we know about cancer, and we know it appears in dicks, and we are willing to pay for the merchandise to show our support.

What was that, Jim?  Give our money straight to the researchers instead of these ‘awareness’ groups?  I don’t know what you’re on Jim, but I would love to take a hit of it.

Your supportive-to-a-point spokesman,

Cameron Campbell

Halloween the Holiday!

Hello digital world!  Welcome to the day of witches and bitches!  I decided to play a bitch, so I dressed up like Hillary Clinton-boom!  But seriously, today is meant to be a day of fun and excitement for little children where they get to build fear-filled memories of daddy jumping from around the corner with a werewolf mask.  I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but if a zombie tries to bite me I will be arrested for assault.  So just like the 4th of July, I’m going to answer the questions that you haven’t asked about this most enjoyable of fake holidays.  Without further ado, let’s begin!

My white decided that he would dress up as a black guy who was shot by police and thought it would look better if he did black face.  Is that racist, or just a poor decision to show your political agenda?

Well that is a rather specific question, and I would like to point out that we need more questions like this that specify the problem quickly and efficiently so that answers can be found.  Without answers, then we are left in the dark with our questions.  That is a terrible idea during Halloween, as things hide in the darkness.  We need to protect our people from dark things that we cannot see, but know are there while they hide with their questions.

I didn’t really understand the question, so I answered as best I could.  I’m pretty sure black face is a spa term.

Was Halloween really an ancient tradition of the druids?

Halloween is a celebration for children.  Druids are World of Warcraft characters.  Silly fake person, treats are for kids!  Not the imaginary class of druids.

Was there ever a time when people weren’t allowed to wear costumes on Halloween?

Yes, there were.  We now refer to those times as the Dark Ages.  The span of time when there were no fun people in the world.  Not a single jokester or prankster in sight.  No one knows how the first funny person came to be the comedian to end the Dark Ages.  Some legends say that a secret organization bred children to be the perfect funny people deep underground and released them on the world when the time was right.  The name of this organization:  Fart.

When are people too old to trick or treat?

Just because you can’t get the treats doesn’t mean you can’t give out the tricks.  Just be careful of where you live.  For example, where I grew up, Old man Barnes put a sign on his lawn that said, “Beware, no trick or treating here.”  And next to the sign was Jason’s head on a spike.  He had rung the doorbell the year before I started trick or treating.

Now before you think I am being serious, I should tell you that I am being absolutely serious.  My town did not last long.  I ended up having to kill all the adults.  It was part of our Halloween tradition.  My town hasn’t been heard from since Halloween of 1760.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Your immortal ghoul speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

I Cannot Be Partisan, I am Liberal!

Nation of followers, I am more confused than when I was told that people have ideas that differ from my own. What? You mean not everyone thinks that Hitler had a decent shot of being an artist if the CIA had not pressured him to become a dictator? Look it up. It’s a fact I imagined. It’s probably already on Wikipedia.  Now something far worse plagues me and makes me question my existence as an extreme republican. And that is the existence of extreme democrats. I thought I was special and extreme! Specially extremely special! Occupy Democrats are forcing me to question myself. What is the point of being extreme if my opponents are going to copy me?

As it confuses me, it also enrages me. How dare they take my system of pure outrage and use it against me! Against us, my fellow demo-…republicans! Yelling things without proof is the system that we perfected. And Jeff the intern had sent in papers to copyright this technique.

Wait, he didn’t?  Are you sure?  Dammit Jeff!  You are going to get such a spanking when I am done here!

Well, if you know nothing about Occupy Democrats, let me tell you just a few key points.  If you don’t spend a lot of time being political on Facebook or are just a seriously creepy person who doesn’t socialize and get all of their news from Facebook (who does that!?), then you may have not seen threads like this appear all over dashboards everywhere:

I have to say, if it weren’t for the mention of Obama, I would not be sure of whether I was supposed to be in support of the image or the comment. Thank goodness people use names and labels! But if you look at what Occupy Democrats has done, it is clearly a direct hijacking of our republican bashing system. Just look at Bill O’Reilly and his attempt to portray Christianity as a philosophy and not a religion. It is this kind of insane, unintelligent, and completely one-sided arguments that we have spent years developing. Then we honed our skills, and trained the younglings; Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, pretty much all of Fox News, and many of the famous of the republican party. Some of them tried to form their own dojos, like Rand Paul.  He was a failure.

But when I heard about Governor Cuomo’s idea to shut down the government to force gun reform, I lost it. That was our idea first to force discussion about Planned Parenthood! And as I researched further, I found MSNBC and other liberal news sites pulling our republican tactics on us. What has the world come to when populace-view grabbing television techniques can be taken and used so easily! It’s like no one respects their senseis and the hard work we went through creating these martial arts for them…damn you, Ralph Macchio!

It took some time, but after shooting my gun into the sky and pointing it at random passersby, I calmed down enough to realize the beauty of this moment.  Like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus, I felt the sun start to give me sun burn and ran indoors as fast as I could.  Occupy Democrats may have taken our system, but they can be just as destructive to bipartisanship and open dialogue as we are.  In fact, no one can deter talks between two groups better than us extremists.

So keep posting your images that claim anyone who dislikes Obama is a traitor to this nation while claiming that we should lower the amount of people we have in our prisons.  We will keep screaming about the war on our religious holidays, that are really only part of our philosophy.  And maybe for a class project, we can trade extremes, try and fight from the opposite perspective.  Because it doesn’t matter what we are saying, so long as it has no basis in fact and blatantly attacks the other side! I want to see more of this, Occupy Democrats. So long as you have us focus on fighting you and your extreme ideas with our own extreme ideas, we will never have to talk to each other about real issues or worry about making real change.

Your Extreme brother-from-a-republican-mother,

Cameron Campbell

Want to read from other people about Occupy Democrats?  Click on the links below.

This one is rather well worded.

Manny Schewitz

This one is a little more angry, but he gets his point to the reader.

Click Here

Offensive to Whom?

My followers, you all know that I despise comedians, but I find comedy hilarious.  Louis CK is a deplorable human being who should be shot and dragged through the streets like Mussolini!  But his jokes about his children are fantastic.  I want to hear more of those jokes.  It’s a shame that Louis has to die though.  But this is for the good of us all, so please do not cry for his jokes when you see his broken body.  Instead pick up a rock and throw it at his face.  Because who could say such awful and hilarious things about their own children?  Today the Internet, in its great and powerful wisdom, gave me a new comedian to hate and love, and it wasn’t Donald Trump.

  • Her name: Nicole Arbour
  • age: older?
  • profession: comedian (I think?)
  • celebrity lookalike: Avril Lavigne

I was touring the web, attempting to ensure that there was at least one hater on every website, when suddenly a video began, telling me about how fat people need to keep calm and get thin.  Well, ‘keep calm’ is the latest fad, hers was more like,

…shame people with bad habits until they fucking stop-fat shaming. If we shame you hard enough that you lose weight, I’m okay with that.

Do you get the joke?  Can you see it?  Yes, of course you do!  But for those of you who are not as smart, let me spell it out.  Arbour is saying that if we say enough negative things to and about fat people, they will switch from happy-inducing sugar treats to a stick of celery and kale.  It is such a great joke, I nearly spit out my first bite of a twinkie.  I did spill my coke though.  That was sad.

I know I know this is meant to be humor, but I just couldn’t help thinking that her plan to hurt people with words just doesn’t go far enough.  Just look at what Japanese students are capable of doing to students who they view as stupid.  Yes, people here in the states bully the fat, but the students clearly do not go far enough!  We need to have rallies, maybe title the movement Touring Against Fat Twats, or TAFT.  On stage, we can bring a bunch of fat people and laugh at how they cannot do one push up.  Once we have them on the floor exhausted, we bring out professional wrestlers (but only the ones who use steroids) so that people understand what we want from our nation, just like our good friend Rick Scarborough.

Arbour shouldn’t be attacked for her video, she just wants to make sure people who are hurting themselves stop doing that.  I am only here to tell you that her suggestion, fat shaming, though strong, needs to do more.  We cannot rely only on words, we must break them physically and mentally.  Nothing must stop us from achieving our goals of molding the perfect form.  The übermensch will be a pitiful existence once we have reached the final stage of our plans.  Everyone, slowly roll out of your bed, lift your scrawny and pitifully weak arm to turn on your computer!  Now, if you think you have the strength, pull yourself up into your chair and-slowly, slowly-begin to type your shaming messages.  One by one, we will get all those fat people to our perfect level of health.  Just try and not sit up for too long, or your feeble back might break.

No wait, that wasn’t meant to be offensive, I was just concerned for your-

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Try searching for something else.

Your appropriately “fluffy” blob,

Cameron Campbell