Tag Archives: comedy

Questions For The New Year

Dear Sheep,

A shepherd is here to lead you into the new year! Now I know with a new year comes the ‘same old same old’, but that won’t be true for 2016. This is the year that we should think bigger, imagine harder, and use more Viagra to get harder and longer-lasting hard-ons! I feel that I lost track of what I was discussing, but to be clear, I do not have a problem. It was a long day and I was tired.

So, to try and help you get started for this exciting and young year, I decided that instead of giving you the answers, I thought I would offer you some questions. Warning: these questions should not be posed to a particular group of people. I can’t mention them directly since I’m their bitch, but you have been warned. Don’t go near THEM.

Pending anymore interruptions from the reptilians…No, I only said it because Jeff said it-oh good, they took Jeff. Anyway, on with the questions!

When is a good time to ask your doctor about getting the new and exciting miracle cure?

Answer: A man doesn’t ask, he takes.

(I couldn’t resist giving an answer. Sue me. But know that I have some very good imagination lawyers. Then can do high multiplication.)

When will people remember what matters and work towards a future that will make things better for all?

Correction: Why should I make things better for all, if I can make things better for me? Eventually my “wellness” will trickle down into society. Think about it.

When is the best time to have sex with a girl: after kidnapping her or in the middle of a mash pit?

Answer: You should have a blow-up doll waiting at home.

Do you know the muffin man?

Correction: Do you know about the muffin man’s cocaine addiction?

Will there be another Justin Bieber album?

Answer: It’s 2016, right? Get over it.

I would apologize for the answers to some of these questions, but you came here for answers first. Please don’t stick to my answers if you don’t like them. Feel free to find your own.  But beware, if they are not correct, you will be put on a humiliation display that will rival the whore shaming shackles of old! So go out and be free my sheep, until I send my dogs to recollect you and put you back in your pen.

Your master who is servant to another master,

Cameron Campbell

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Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

Celebrating 1,000 Views: That’s All You Got?

Internet junkies and people who trying Internet just this one time!  Today is a historic day for those of you who stop and pay attention to something truly astonishing.  This website, that I so graciously began so that you can read all my incoherent ramblings, has finally reached 1,000 views!  Seeing as I have only had 567 visitors to the site, doubling the views ain’t so bad!

But this is not enough people.  Have you not read the title of this website?  You Didn’t Ask, But I’ll Answer.  Just because you haven’t asked, does not mean you don’t deserve an answer.  People need to know what they don’t care about.  Just as I am not satisfied with this result, neither should you.

Tell more people about this site.  Shove it in their faces that they are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.  Tell them about that one time I called Saudi Arabia a BDSM nation.  Remember that?  I don’t, but as lovers of this site, you should!

So get out there on your different social media sites.  Go on Twitter and Facebook and Myspace (it still exists!?), go to message boards and comments boxes and Instagram, go all over the web to any place that you can find that allows to insert text then copy/paste this link to them right now!  Because no one should be left in the cold and alone without any idea that I am here to offer them a blanket that I know no longer use.  It has a big hole in it.  I didn’t have sewing equipment so I just give it away as is.

If everyone who visits this site tells others, and those people tell other people they know, then we might just hit 2,000 views by the end of next year.

Your broke and spiritless author,

Cameron Campbell

Rapper B.E.N. ‘Prez’ Carson

Yo yo, er’body listen up!  What we got here is a new challenger on da streets.  Eminem move aside, take back yo name Marshall Mathers cuz we got ourselves a new king o’ rap ‘ere.  His name is Ben ‘Prez’ Carson, and he is gonna light this shit up!

Carson has released a new ad that will rock the radio waves.  The plan: rap until the African-American vote comes home at sundown.  If anyone could create a rap video and get away with it on the Republican side it would be Carson.  His ability to slowly stumble over his pre-planned statements, the bio filled with stories of ‘so I cut the bitch open’ and the constant calls “Represent” before his speeches all prove just how well he will fit in the rap world.

Some people, mostly myself, see how much this ad will help boost his rating among African-Americans.  Nothing brings people together like a good sing-a-long with the message, “Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me” (an actual quote).

After hearing how Carson plans to capture the hearts of his….I want to say fellow man, but seeing as he is trying to appeal to them with the music of their culture…It would be like Bush showing how white he is by playing Deep South banjo music with a jug and a washboard.  At that point, I would start questioning if he was the right kind of white to be president.  Unfortunately, the ex-neurosurgeon was lazy in how he operated on the rap.  Instead of taking the mic himself, he let Aspiring Mogul use sound bites of previous speeches.

This is a shame, especially when you think of what Ben Carson might have meant when he said this in response to the ad,

“I support, you know, them in doing that. But, you know, I probably would have taken a little different approach,” he said.

A different approach?  What do you mean Carson?  Does this mean somewhere you have a rap of your own written about how you wish to be president?  Did they, you know, shoot down your idea because, you know, you aren’t a professional rapper?  Poor Ben Carson!  All he wanted to do was rap alongside his idols Drake and Meek Mills, who are not only the greatest hip-hop artists, but also best friends.

Dr. Carson, I beg you to take time from your campaign to make your rap with your own lyrics.  The world would benefit greatly from this rap in their homes and in their hearts.  Who knows, maybe you would become internet famous!  And they may even forget the fact that you have lied about so many biographical ‘facts’.  I mean I know they are true, because I’ve been by your side since we were born, and I can vet that you were, in fact, a terrible student.  So please Ben (wink!), create that video, record that rap for us.  Because we are running low on reasons to laugh at Trump and could use a new funny man.

Your best friend,

Cameron ‘Bob’ Campbell

I Am Aware of Breasts

Fellow shut-ins, I was surprised by a piece of information today, and I felt I needed to share it with you.  You know those things between your neck and your stomach that droop down from your chest?  Apparently women have them too!  And they aren’t called chesticles, they are breasts.  Or as doctors know them, boobs.  Boobs can come in all different shapes and sizes, as well as a fine choice of real, fake, or supported.  It’s amazing what you can find on the internet when you search the word ‘boob’ (try it for yourself, but this one was my favorite).

On top of this knowledge, another boob bomb was laid at my feet: boobs can get cancer.  Learn more here at WebMd.  If everything on the internet is true, then everyone needs to read this website right now.  Everything gives you cancer, and I am not referring to the song.  I mean everything is a source of cancer!  Or it’s a common cold.  One or the other.  Talk to your local browser to make sure.

But people who began the breast cancer awareness are upset.  Said by one Cindy Pearson, The pinkification of the month of October, from football cleats to coffee cups, isn’t helping women. And how correct she might be!  But if it weren’t for someone saying to me ‘happy breast cancer awareness month,’ I would have never known that October was breast cancer awareness month.  I would be walking around like a fool thinking October was the birthday month of multiple important Americans of the past or the month when War of the Worlds was broadcasted on the radio.  Foolish me, thinking about something other than breasts!

Cindy has a point, making a few items pink won’t be enough to help remind women that they have cancer.  And it definitely won’t be enough for people who want to show that they can afford a pink bow to show awareness.  We are going to have to make everything that we sell pink.  Make pink tampons, and pink contacts.  We must be able to look at everyone around us and see that they are supporting people with cancer by reminding them that they have cancer!

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently I misunderstood their message.  Cindy, like other people, are upset that everything is being ‘pinkified’ for awareness.  What they want isn’t awareness.  They want research into finding a cure for breast cancer, and what a noble fight!  Searching for a way to save people and their breasts using 21st century technology-

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently people have already started research on cancer, breast-related or otherwise, a long time ago.  They view it as a killer, but they don’t have enough funding due to some funders putting their money into movements like ‘breast cancer awareness’.  Well I say good riddance!  How are we supposed to find a cure for any cancer if no one knows that cancer exists?  We need more awareness movements so that people know cancer can appear-

I’m sorry?  They did?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently they have already found out that cancer can appear in almost any part of the body.  No one has found dick cancer as far as I know, but who knows what the future will hold!  Maybe, in our lifetimes, there will be a day when men begin getting dick cancer.  We can make September ‘dick cancer awareness’ month and sport our blue speedos with pride to let people know that we know about cancer, and we know it appears in dicks, and we are willing to pay for the merchandise to show our support.

What was that, Jim?  Give our money straight to the researchers instead of these ‘awareness’ groups?  I don’t know what you’re on Jim, but I would love to take a hit of it.

Your supportive-to-a-point spokesman,

Cameron Campbell