Tag Archives: #CNNDEBATE

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Was the CNN Debate Staged?

The answer to the question above is yes, it is indeed placed upon a stage.  Cameron Campbell here to explain the complicated topics that the Republican candidates gave us during the last debate.  From Trump’s riveting riddle of “How I am not a dick, and why you’re already voting for me,” all the way to Chris Christie’s “How New Jersey is better than New York.” These two ideas alone are difficult to understand, Christie’s being clearly impossible. Let us take this slow, my online nation, and begin simply. If you missed the debate, don’t worry, I’ll cover all of the essentials in this blog post right here. We will travel from one candidate to another and pretend that we all care about what is happening.
Here are some of the most common comments from this debate:

  • When I was (position) of (state or company) I brought (state or company) out of debt and created a surplus.
  • The government has failed us and I, (candidate name), can fix it for everyone.
  • Something needs to be done about (Liberal ideal) and I have a plan to fix it, so vote me as president.
  • I am the only one on this stage who fought for (Republican ideal). And it’s going great.
  • Planned Parenthood needs to go!
  • Government needs to be less involved in (insert liberal ideal).
  • Government needs to be more involved in (insert conservative ideal).
  • I’m more for (Republican ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • I’m more against (Liberal ideal) than anyone else on this stage.
  • What Obama has done is terrible, and I promise to tear down everything that is Obama.
  • Obama is the source of all of our problems, and we are clearly the opposite of him.
  • I am not Obama.

Donald Trump Quotes

  • Autism is an epidemic.
  • I will take care of women. I respect women.
  • Mexico is funneling their killers and rapists across the border.
  • We need a wall, and to deport all of the illegals immediately.
  • I never said that.
  • Once I am elected, I will put a team together to deal with said issue. The best, the best people.
  • I was never bankrupt.

Now let us begin the retelling of the greatest debate to ever be completely forgettable. I should warn you all now, though I have perfect memory, I was not able to stay awake for the entire debate. The parts where Kasich started to talk put me to sleep immediately. But, as I promised at the beginning of this project, I did my few minutes of research by pressing random keys on the keyboard. I’m pretty sure Kasich has something against lounges. Not that I disagree. I think lounge chairs are out to eat me, but that is no reason to get rid of lounges. More on that later! We will start with the one who leads the polls and work our way down.

Donald Trump

Show Equivalent: Pinky and the Brain (he plays both roles)

Description: Dried-up orange with a wig

Awards:  All given to me by me

If you want someone who will say anything for votes, then you have found your candidate in me.  I am willing to say whatever you want, you want me to say that the entire world is the enemy of America?  No problem!  Want me to say that the we are weak and frail and that I am new-age Jesus?  I don’t need to say that when my actions show you that all too well.  Look at me: making lots of money, manipulating markets and politicians, marrying whoever I please without thinking of the consequences, saying anything I want without thinking about it, all these things are characteristics of Jesus!  And I am honored that you have already chosen me as your savior in your hearts, just don;t forget to let everyone know that I am the correct choice.

Ben Carson

Show Equivalent: The Cosby Show? (Without all the rape)

Description: Republican Obama

Awards: I don’t like to be prideful

I don’t hate, I don’t judge, and I definitely don’t fight particularly for myself.  I am quiet on the stand, you can listen to me talk calmly to you as if you are an adult that can understand what I am saying even if the ideas may seem difficult or unimportant to you.  I will not be shaken by people misunderstanding my quotes.  This especially when Donald Trump (very nice man) says things that are abhorrent and terrible.  He just makes me so mad I could strangle him!  No. no that’s not me.  I’m also still held by my hippocratic oath for another two years.  That’s when I’ll get him.  When he will pay for pretending that he has never attacked others, and tells me to grow up…yes…yes…

Jeb Bush

Show Equivalent: Empire

Description: Not a Bush!  I’m Jeb.  Jeb.  Just Jeb.


Past Careers: Just being Jeb

I am not the start of a monarchy!  I mean, okay, sure, there has never been three people from the same family in the president’s chair.  I worked very hard to be known as Jeb in my state.  People know me as Jeb.  I tried to remove my last name, but they told me that to do so would be lying to the American people and told me it is illegal.  Just pretend that I am not a Bush, that my daddy and brother don’t exist, and look at me for who I am: a career politician who reveals a very basic Republican ideal that you can get from any career politician.  So vote for me, Jeb the basic bitch politician.

And, for the record, my brother did not screw up.  I would not have made that call, even with the information of the time, but he did not screw up.

Carly Fiorina

Spirit Animal: Horse

Political Alignments:  Blindly Republican

You looking at me?  Let me just be clear.  I am a Republican woman and I am not Hillary Clinton.  In fact she is evil, and other obvious evils are evil.  Planned Parenthood is evil, ISIS is evil, Russia is evil, and all of these problems can be fixed with one simple solution:  Military force.  We don’t need law, we don’t need other nations.  All we need is another Great White Fleet to show the world what they already know.  America is the greatest that exists, and we can bomb you whenever and wherever we please.  So deal with it.

Oh, and I never screwed up at Hewlett Packard.  In fact, they thrived under my leadership.  Check it.

Marco Rubio

Show Equivalent: Spongebob SquarePants

Description: Young and Cuban

Status: If anyone asks, born and raised American immigrant

I might be young, and I might seem inexperienced, but I am an adult.  I have a wife, some kids, and my mother lets me stay out until 12, 12:30 on the weekends.  When I arrive at the Senate, everyone says hello.  When I say something good I get a gold star on my chair.  Sometimes my friends and I play pranks on the other senators, and we all laugh.  Like the other day, i announced that John Boehner gave up his position!  Then I found out my prank was truth.  That was pretty rough.  I asked mom for a second apple juice with dinner that night.  She said yes, so that helped a little.

Ted Cruz

Show Equivalent: House of Cards (If it were made by Amazon Prime)

Spirit Animal: Racoon with presidential aspirations

Just because I look and talk like a Disney villain, does not mean that I am one. I have many ideas for this great nation, one of which being a statue made in my honor.  Just look at my nose!  It already looks like it was chiseled out of rock.  I make a solid promise, on this stage, that I will honor all Republican ideals while fulfilling my own selfish desires.  I further promise that everything I accomplish for myself will be done using your money.  See?  I’m not such a bad guy.  Like Donald Trump, I just come out and tell it like it is!

Chris Christie

Favorite meal: Favorite?  Bring it all!

Presidential Ambitions: Shut up, this is for the people.

Stop whining all of you!  We are not here for us.  We are here for the people.  This is my resume for nanny of the president.  I promise that whoever is placed in the chair will be watched by me.  Just like how I broke up the fight between Carly Fiorina and Donald Trump, so I promise to stop the president from pulling any bullshit while working for the people.  You thought I was up here to fight for my own personal gain?  To prove that I am worthy of being president?  Screw that, give me the nanny position!  I don’t have time for this, I have to clean up the shores of my state.

Mike Huckabee

Show Equivalent: Anything that never made it past the first season

Hobbies: Oh, what do you care?

No one even knows I exist!  I barely said anything in either debate.  I said so little that I don’t even remember what I’ve said.  I think people know me as that guy standing next to Rand Paul.  It’s not fair!  I have ideas, just like all of these guys!  It’s not fair that they treat me like everyone else treats Al Gore.  At least I have a personality!  Just let me enjoy being under a spotlight that isn’t owned by Fox for a little and I promise I’ll never bother you again.

John Kasich

Show Equivalent: Anything that only has reruns

Fun Fact: Last name sounds Middle Eastern (Qasiq)

Work with foreign nations!  Foreign security!  I worked with them!  Listen to me!  Foreign policy!  Foreign policy!  I can do that shit!  Foreign policy!

Oh, yeah, and education. I want to fix that too.

Rand Paul

Show Equivalent: The X-files

Party Affiliation: Still figuring that out

I don’t have the most popular ideas.  Not many people in either party can stand me.  And, overall, my ideas can be confusing and conflicting.  But, on the upside, I’ll probably run again in four years.  Vote Rand Paul 2020!

Scott Walker

Scott Walker has been stricken from the official record.  He is presumed to have never existed.  Never bring up his name again.  He is a disgrace to all that is Republican and unwavering in the face of whatever we hate on any particular day.

There they are, the 2016 GOP presidential candidates!  I know it’s a long read, but remember that voting here is a privelege, an honor, and very American.  And if you don’t, I’ll release my internet trolls on you to destroy your reputation with language and threats that will not be viewed as disturbing or dangerous by anyone.  My trolls are hateful, but they are respected.

Join me again in a few weeks when Hillary Clinton goes head-you-head with Bernie Sanders.  A roaring debate between two fierce candidates with other people standing around them.

Your political voice,

Cameron Campbell