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Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell


Rapper B.E.N. ‘Prez’ Carson

Yo yo, er’body listen up!  What we got here is a new challenger on da streets.  Eminem move aside, take back yo name Marshall Mathers cuz we got ourselves a new king o’ rap ‘ere.  His name is Ben ‘Prez’ Carson, and he is gonna light this shit up!

Carson has released a new ad that will rock the radio waves.  The plan: rap until the African-American vote comes home at sundown.  If anyone could create a rap video and get away with it on the Republican side it would be Carson.  His ability to slowly stumble over his pre-planned statements, the bio filled with stories of ‘so I cut the bitch open’ and the constant calls “Represent” before his speeches all prove just how well he will fit in the rap world.

Some people, mostly myself, see how much this ad will help boost his rating among African-Americans.  Nothing brings people together like a good sing-a-long with the message, “Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me” (an actual quote).

After hearing how Carson plans to capture the hearts of his….I want to say fellow man, but seeing as he is trying to appeal to them with the music of their culture…It would be like Bush showing how white he is by playing Deep South banjo music with a jug and a washboard.  At that point, I would start questioning if he was the right kind of white to be president.  Unfortunately, the ex-neurosurgeon was lazy in how he operated on the rap.  Instead of taking the mic himself, he let Aspiring Mogul use sound bites of previous speeches.

This is a shame, especially when you think of what Ben Carson might have meant when he said this in response to the ad,

“I support, you know, them in doing that. But, you know, I probably would have taken a little different approach,” he said.

A different approach?  What do you mean Carson?  Does this mean somewhere you have a rap of your own written about how you wish to be president?  Did they, you know, shoot down your idea because, you know, you aren’t a professional rapper?  Poor Ben Carson!  All he wanted to do was rap alongside his idols Drake and Meek Mills, who are not only the greatest hip-hop artists, but also best friends.

Dr. Carson, I beg you to take time from your campaign to make your rap with your own lyrics.  The world would benefit greatly from this rap in their homes and in their hearts.  Who knows, maybe you would become internet famous!  And they may even forget the fact that you have lied about so many biographical ‘facts’.  I mean I know they are true, because I’ve been by your side since we were born, and I can vet that you were, in fact, a terrible student.  So please Ben (wink!), create that video, record that rap for us.  Because we are running low on reasons to laugh at Trump and could use a new funny man.

Your best friend,

Cameron ‘Bob’ Campbell