Tag Archives: christmas

The Return of Cameron Campbell 2018

Hello Internet! My goodness, it has been a year since I have given you the honor of my presence. Cameron Campbell is back! That’s right, like my role model Donald Trump, I spent more time on vacation than working. We can do that because people just love us. I mean, if I chose to shoot someone on the street my fans would stick by me no matter what.

Whoo! So there is a lot to process over the past 12-13 months. The one certainty is this: remember those whiny safe-space liberals who were poised to raise Crooked Hillary into office? Well now there are no safe spaces and everyone is saying Merry Christmas again! I mean, no one was stopping anyone from saying it, but now we can say it with meaning! Not like I wasn’t saying it before, but NOW it reminds me of the little baby Jesus surrounded by the three wise men Big Oil, Clean Coal, and the Trump Foundation and the soon-to-be war against fake news about Mary’s lineage. She is pure American and there is an ample lack of evidence about that!

merry christmas

You might be asking why yourself, “Why has Cameron waited so long to discuss his favorite president that will ever be?” Well first off stop being nosy into my business. The only individuals’ privacies we are allowed to invade must meet the following criteria: famous and acting suspicious/avoiding paparazzi cameras. They want you to think they are avoiding the cameras to try and be regular people. It’s a conspiracy and no restraining order will stop me from learning what Meryl Streep is hiding!

I had to wait a year. Trump was already doing so much for the country BEFORE winning, but how best to study a man’s achievements except by waiting for at least one real one? There have been so many victories that I barely know where to begin. Did I mention being able to say Christmas again?

Oh, there was the firings of sissy leaders like Sally Yates and James Comey who were “concerned about our national security.” Thanks a lot “experts” but Trump already has a plan to handle Putin so calm your libtard brains. Besides they are best friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Except if Hillary is doing it. Remember, Hillary friends with Putin=bad for country. Trump friends with Putin=good for country.

Trump has also become the first president to have the most personnel changes in his first year in office. 34% of his staff have either been fired or moved to another post. This has left some important positions open and work unattended. This is a brilliant tactical move. Think about it! The best way to show we don’t need a department is to show how it fails to accomplish its goal. By not appointing someone to the leadership position, the department is guaranteed to be a failure. We can do this with everything that is not Congress or the White House and create the Department of Everything Government run by Jared Kushner.

The greatest victory was showing the government’s complete lack of ability to accomplish anything. Now that Trump is in the White House and the Republicans control both houses of Congress we see just how incompetent those in power can be. They completely fail to pass laws with a majority and it’s all because of the Democrats. It might be counter-intuitive to blame those who do not have control but here is why we can blame Democrats. Democrats were in power and are now the minority in both houses. If they really wanted power, then they would have continued winning. The oppressed Republicans have become the oppressors and Democrats are too weak to get back up. So what do they do? Mind control. Confusing good ol’ America-loving Republicans with their sweet smelling pastries. I will not buy those delicious muffins if my money is going to help non-working orphans!

The recent government shutdown is the final proof of Trump’s theory. The government had a weekend getaway when Republicans and Democrats sent an agreement about DACA to Trump and he turned it down. It took them time, but they finally came to an agreement that will keep the government running for the next two weeks! Now each side is trying to determine who takes the blame. Back in 2013, Trump posited a theory that the man at the top is the one to blame for a situation going awry. This is why he needed to win the presidential election—to prove his point. It is always the president’s fault! And that is why he took the high ground, put on his big boy pants, and blamed the Democrats. Like any good leader should, split the voters and cause a partisan war.

I could not be happier with this presidency. He has done everything right, from his son who publicly stated he was contacted by a foreign power about sensitive information on their political opponent to labeling Jerusalem as the new location of the US Embassy against literally everyone’s recommendations. His presidency has been nothing but one success after another and I cannot see why people are upset with him. The harmful effect he has had on the political conversation in this country will plague us for years to come. Suck it Germany, we are the first superpower this century to have an actively destructive leader!

Your estranged aunt’s Facebook feed,

Cameron Campbell


How the War on Christmas Got Started

It’s getting to be that time again. Evergreen trees, red bulbs, and nonstop “Santa Baby” repeats on the radio. Yes folks, it’s about to be Christmas time. Or as these liberals would want us to call it, “the Holiday Season.” Ugh. Fox News, particularly the principled Sean Hannity and the always right Bill O’Reilly, has […]


Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell


Not Enough Secular In My Religious Holiday

Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”

You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.

I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!

Provided by Giphy
Provided by Giphy

Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.

People are right about Christmas.  It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion.  Christ was born, big-fucking whoop!  Do you have a tree in your living room?  Stockings above the fireplace?  Mistletoe attached to the ceiling?  Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’?  Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen?  If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!

There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas.  Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney!  Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled!  The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!”  It’s just so adorable.

A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief.  Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized.  When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.

Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,

Cameron Campbell


Thanksgiving-The Buffer Holiday

Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event.  Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis.  The family pool is already up to 100 dollars.  It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!

Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays.  That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me.  Before you ask, I wasn’t high.  It was a dream.

He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom.  They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords.  It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule.  That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Don’t believe me?  Just take some acid and fall asleep.  The genie will tell you the whole story.  I’m going to take some more drugs.  See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday.  And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.

Your mooching best pal,

Cameron Campbell