It’s getting to be that time again. Evergreen trees, red bulbs, and nonstop “Santa Baby” repeats on the radio. Yes folks, it’s about to be Christmas time. Or as these liberals would want us to call it, “the Holiday Season.” Ugh. Fox News, particularly the principled Sean Hannity and the always right Bill O’Reilly, has […]
As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!
And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”
I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.
After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.
So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.
After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”
This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.
My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.
There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.
Your caffeine/corporate slave,
Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”
You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.
I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!
Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.
People are right about Christmas. It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion. Christ was born, big-fucking whoop! Do you have a tree in your living room? Stockings above the fireplace? Mistletoe attached to the ceiling? Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’? Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen? If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!
There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas. Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney! Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled! The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!” It’s just so adorable.
A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief. Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized. When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.
Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,
Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event. Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis. The family pool is already up to 100 dollars. It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!
Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays. That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me. Before you ask, I wasn’t high. It was a dream.
He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom. They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords. It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule. That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Don’t believe me? Just take some acid and fall asleep. The genie will tell you the whole story. I’m going to take some more drugs. See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday. And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.
Your mooching best pal,