Tag Archives: bernie sanders

Democratic Debate 2015: The Hillary Clinton Story

As someone who knows nothing about politics, it was a relief to see Hillary Clinton on the stage during the first Democratic Debate.  When I first heard about the debate, I thought I would see my man Trump again with a blue tie.  Apparently he decided to come disguised as some old guy named Bernie Sanders.  Without Hillary, I wouldn’t know there even was a Democratic party.  Not that I know what they stand for after all the things she says, but I know they exist.  So, without further ado, here are the candidates for the Democratic Debate: The Hillary Clinton Story!

Most Common Quotes

  • (some comment on the Hillary Clinton e-mail scandal)
  • Hillary Clinton would make a terrible president compared to me
  • Hillary Clinton: “Bernie has some good ideas, but he is wrong.”
  • Only Democrats can fix what Democrats have done wrong!
  • I am not Obama, I am Obama adjacent.
  • Some minorities matter more than others, that’s just my (white man) opinion.
  • Republicans like guns.  I’m not even sure if they are human.
  • Whatever you do, just don’t vote Republican.
  • Jim Webb: “I don’t know why we are doing this, I have already won.  And where is my time to talk!”

What a fun debate!  Though I was surprised to see three other people on the stage.  When I tried looking up their names online, google gave me an error 404.  I don’t understand crazy computer speech, but I’m pretty sure that means, “Whatever you’re looking for does not exist anywhere.”  Well, I can always try and build a bio from newspaper clippings-I cannot say that with a straight face!  Who reads newspapers anymore?  Anything that isn’t on the internet is clearly not worth reading.  Okay okay, that’s enough of that.  This post is meant to be all about Hillary-I mean, the democrats.  Ah, who am I kidding.  Here it is, the Sanders-Hillary debate bio!

Hillary Clinton

Animal Spirit: Depends on the political climate

Favorite Savior: Depends on the political climate

I don’t change my politics based on the populace and what is trending.  I change my politics to make trends, to set a golden principle for a few weeks until I decide to focus on a different issue.  So don’t look at me as a political person who follows trends.  Look at me as a political person who sets the trend.  I’m not full of myself, I just think highly of myself.  And I would just like to say that the e-mail scandal is not my fault, I was told it was cool, and I am completely open about what I sent.  Just like my husband was completely honest with the people and me, I am now being honest with the people like him.

Bernie Sanders

Favorite Movie: “2008: The Real 2012” Directed by: WALL STREET

Let me get straight to the point-Wall Street is the problem to everything, but they can also be the cure.  I know I haven’t given you a plan and I should warn you that I don’t have a plan to fix them.  I just like the cheering when I say that the rich will be drained of their savings.  I haven’t been outside too much, and this seemed like the perfect time to reveal myself.  I probably would have done better as a political activist than a presidential candidate.  Which is why I have begun discussions to see if I can be Hillary’s running mate.

And, if I may, I just want to say that I think that the people are tired of hearing about Hillary’s goddamn e-mails!  And if I keep licking her expensive shoes like I did tonight, she will feel more inclined to say yes when I offer to be her running mate.

(Joe Biden)

Has refused to comment at this time.  But I will get him to talk…somehow…

Martin O’Malley

Candidate 3: I know I know, my city went to shit, and it all happened under my watch.  Trust me when I say that I will turn things around when I become president.  I didn’t say much about what I would do as president, and I didn’t really defend my decisions as governor, and it can only get worse from here if I continue to be a part of this race.

Jim Webb

Candidate 4: I think I made a mistake.  Not only did I get no time, they asked me dumb questions.  I should have ran as a republican.  At least there I would have been accepted for loving my vast gun collection.  I call my hand gun Debbie.

I’m having an affair with Debbie.  My wife doesn’t know it yet.

Lincoln Chafee

Candidate 5:  My face screams that I am a dangerous character.  Pretty sure I was once one of those guys selling snake poison as medicine.  If someone told me one of my past lives was Jack the Ripper, I would not be surprised.  My face is the honest face of a sneaky, backstabbing, untrustworthy politician.  You don’t need to know what I believe.  Just know that if I am put in the office, no one will survive under my rule.

What an exciting night that was for me.  Got super stoned on medical marijuana and could not stop singing “We are the Champions.”  Hey, just because I claim to be Republican and say drugs should be hated by everyone, does not mean I don’t want them to have a good time.  Besides, who needs moral standings when I can have fun!  Donald Trump’s and his many wives know what I mean!  With that, good night everybody, remember to tip your waitress!

Your politically-confused speaker,

Cameron Campbell

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I Cannot Be Partisan, I am Liberal!

Nation of followers, I am more confused than when I was told that people have ideas that differ from my own. What? You mean not everyone thinks that Hitler had a decent shot of being an artist if the CIA had not pressured him to become a dictator? Look it up. It’s a fact I imagined. It’s probably already on Wikipedia.  Now something far worse plagues me and makes me question my existence as an extreme republican. And that is the existence of extreme democrats. I thought I was special and extreme! Specially extremely special! Occupy Democrats are forcing me to question myself. What is the point of being extreme if my opponents are going to copy me?

As it confuses me, it also enrages me. How dare they take my system of pure outrage and use it against me! Against us, my fellow demo-…republicans! Yelling things without proof is the system that we perfected. And Jeff the intern had sent in papers to copyright this technique.

Wait, he didn’t?  Are you sure?  Dammit Jeff!  You are going to get such a spanking when I am done here!

Well, if you know nothing about Occupy Democrats, let me tell you just a few key points.  If you don’t spend a lot of time being political on Facebook or are just a seriously creepy person who doesn’t socialize and get all of their news from Facebook (who does that!?), then you may have not seen threads like this appear all over dashboards everywhere:

I have to say, if it weren’t for the mention of Obama, I would not be sure of whether I was supposed to be in support of the image or the comment. Thank goodness people use names and labels! But if you look at what Occupy Democrats has done, it is clearly a direct hijacking of our republican bashing system. Just look at Bill O’Reilly and his attempt to portray Christianity as a philosophy and not a religion. It is this kind of insane, unintelligent, and completely one-sided arguments that we have spent years developing. Then we honed our skills, and trained the younglings; Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, pretty much all of Fox News, and many of the famous of the republican party. Some of them tried to form their own dojos, like Rand Paul.  He was a failure.

But when I heard about Governor Cuomo’s idea to shut down the government to force gun reform, I lost it. That was our idea first to force discussion about Planned Parenthood! And as I researched further, I found MSNBC and other liberal news sites pulling our republican tactics on us. What has the world come to when populace-view grabbing television techniques can be taken and used so easily! It’s like no one respects their senseis and the hard work we went through creating these martial arts for them…damn you, Ralph Macchio!

It took some time, but after shooting my gun into the sky and pointing it at random passersby, I calmed down enough to realize the beauty of this moment.  Like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus, I felt the sun start to give me sun burn and ran indoors as fast as I could.  Occupy Democrats may have taken our system, but they can be just as destructive to bipartisanship and open dialogue as we are.  In fact, no one can deter talks between two groups better than us extremists.

So keep posting your images that claim anyone who dislikes Obama is a traitor to this nation while claiming that we should lower the amount of people we have in our prisons.  We will keep screaming about the war on our religious holidays, that are really only part of our philosophy.  And maybe for a class project, we can trade extremes, try and fight from the opposite perspective.  Because it doesn’t matter what we are saying, so long as it has no basis in fact and blatantly attacks the other side! I want to see more of this, Occupy Democrats. So long as you have us focus on fighting you and your extreme ideas with our own extreme ideas, we will never have to talk to each other about real issues or worry about making real change.

Your Extreme brother-from-a-republican-mother,

Cameron Campbell

Want to read from other people about Occupy Democrats?  Click on the links below.

This one is rather well worded.

Manny Schewitz

This one is a little more angry, but he gets his point to the reader.

Click Here