Tag Archives: art

Asian Persuasion Man

My nation of internet shut-ins, today our great Land in the Cloud was used for a heinous act.  As we all know, this place known as the Internet, the haven invented for us basement-dwelling folk, is filled only with love, honesty, and compassion for our fellow man. But there are those that attempt to ruin this perfect haven. Men like Michael Derrick Hudson who burden this locale with their lies and deception.

On September 9, 2015, an article was posted on The Blaze marking the destruction of our great sanctuary.  Unable to submit his poem “The Bees, the Flowers, Jesus, Ancient Tigers, Poseidon, Adam and Eve” under his name, Michael decided that he would try submitting it with a pen name: Yi-Fen Chou.  Surprisingly, people began to pay more attention to the poem!  I know, it sounds racist, but it is not, and here is why.  The title of the poem requires an Asian author.  If it was not Yi-Fen Chou, then other acceptable names would be Noodle Mein Foo, Chi Chong Pai, or Nonoyo Dam Business.

But Alyssa Wong opened my eyes with her self-chain self-discussion.  She feels,

“very, very strongly that Michael Derrick Hudson’s poem should be pulled from 2015 Best American Poetry bc it’s dishonest & racist.”

She is appropriately upset and for good reason!  Look what he has done.  Michael submitted a poem with Asian persuasion under a false name (like some kind of ninja).  And when he saw that people were more willing to accept the poem under his new name, he used a classic marketing maneuver: Repeating what works.  This is a clear misuse of the pure and honest marketing techniques that everyone recognizes and purports (pretty sure that means ‘portrays honestly’).  People never pretend to be of another race on any television show, in commercials, in movies, and especially not on the Internet.  So why should we allow this man to get away with it in literature?  No one has ever used a false name to publish novels, poetry, works of fiction, or any other writing form that uses recognized forms of communication.  Even the earliest caveman made sure to watermark his creation on the cave wall with his true initials.

What Michael has done is very not okay, in my eyes, and I feel strongly that something should be said only about him doing this.  Racial jokes by comedians or well-known actors is one thing, but a poet who attempts to deal with modern issues?  That is taking it too far.  No more ‘poetic license’ excuses!  No more, “it’s a statement about the state of publishing today.”  No more, “This says more about the editors reading the piece than my decision.”  We must end pen name-racism, because if we cannot be honest about who is writing the piece, how will we show our faces to Mrs. Silence Dogood, Erin Hunter, or the greatest of them all, Woody Allen?  All of these people are true to their word and true to their name.  And they never strayed from their birth-born title.

Your honest-to-lie storyteller,

Cameron Campbell

Additional reading:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/yifen-chou-white-author-uses-asian-pen-name-because-it-helps-him-get-published-more-often-10490578.html

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She Ain’t Got No Alibi

A few weeks back a twitterer with the handle @mypoetryproject with his hashtag #badtimeforlyrics suggested that Taylor Swift knows nothing of love. This being based on the lyrics from her latest song, “blank space” and it’s catchy bridge, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” Now I know you didn’t ask, but that is why I’m here to ensure that you do ask: how could @mypoetryproject know?

The joke from this hooligan was that Taylor hasn’t read fifty shades of grey, which is clever! And he is probably right, seeing as she probably doesn’t read! But he could not know this without insider information. Unlike myself, I happen to know she doesn’t read based on my own personal knowledge of Taylor and inference based on the horrific lyrics of her song. But he is a nobody, unlike myself, and therefore could not possibly know about her.

So to @mypoetryproject I say this: Leave Taylor alone. She is meant to be a tabloid scandal, not the end of some butt joke from an unknown Twitter account.

Your stalking admirer,
Cameron Campbell

What Brand Race Are You?

Oh Internet nation, I am terribly confused!  Someone asked me recently how I define my race.  I told them white.  Then they asked me where I was born.  When I told them, their response was that I wasn’t truly white, that it’s impossible.  How can this be?  Well as soon as I learned the process, I learned that there is a lot to defining yourself:

—–

1)  Regional Background

Whiteness, Blackness and others are based upon the region of your birth.  The guys I spoke to said this is the first tell-tale sign of race.  This is because the region where you are born will define how you act later in life.  Eminem, for example, is attacked for being a white rapper, but he was raised in a world that could be defined as ‘black’; no daddy, mommy issues, and street rapping.

This is contrary to Urkel who, though he has dark skin, is nothing but a rich white kid in disguise with his stable home, high education, and family life.  No matter how quirky they are!  Urkel has a comfortable life as a ‘white’ kid.  Just look at that smile!

We concluded that I am white due to my being born in America, though we agreed that some states have a certain a relationship that could make their inhabitants another race.  For example, New Jersey is to New York as Puerto Rico is to the United States.  This means that people from New Jersey are first considered Hispanic/Spanish.  There is no argument about this anymore in the scientific community where they have proven that statement.

2)  Mixing and Purity

This deals with your parents and how their background affects your own definition of race and ethnicity.  In the same way that your region of birth defines you, so does the region of birth and mixing of those regions through your parents affects you.  For example, imagine both of your parents came to the United States (USA!) from a European nation.  You are first generation American-white.  However, they are not.  They are European white, and you are being raised in their household.  Does that make you a disgusting foreigner who should be shunned and ignored, or a proud native American who has nothing to do with dirty American Indians?

Between us, we created an equation that will aid you in defining your parental ethnicity.   If you are first generation America, begin with 15%.  If one is foreign, begin with 25%.  If both of your parents are natural citizens, you start with 50%.  If second generation or higher, add 15% times the generation you are (Ex. If you’re 3rd gen American, you add 45%).  Subtract 10% times the amount of foreigners your family marries into the family (anyone who requires a green card).  This subtraction only applies to family members who are natural born American citizens.  Any family members outside of the country are an automatic subtraction of 10%, but that is only for blood relatives.  If your aunt in Italy marries and Italian, you ONLY subtract for your aunt.  If, however, that foreign aunt marries an American, add 20%.  If said aunt has children, only first cousins count towards your percentage.  For first cousins you add or subtract 5% (above rules apply).  Territories count as American. (This math has not been perfected or checked by a mathematician.  Any questions about this section should be sent to Bill Gates.)

The measurement used for this test is American-white.  Since America is a first world country, it is considered a “white” country.  Especially since this was the face of our nation for eight years.

This number is a separate calculation to your own regional background (which is not a number).  The amount of American-white units you are is meant to be used as a gloating point.  It can be flaunted in front of foreigners who want to be American and friends who think they are more American than yourself.  But be careful, because you never know which friend will have more points.  Then who isn’t American, Mike!

3)  Physical Features

This is a critical point, but is also one of the hardest to define.  Physical features, such as a big Jewish noses (race?) or Vampire-sized teeth can change how others view you.  Though this may not be important to you, it is highly important for others.  It is through first looks and impressions that we acquire the necessary knowledge to hurt and ridicule a person.  It is important that you properly portray your race/ethnicity through your physical features, or else you’ll be discriminated for all the wrong reasons.

Some physical features can be confusing and may not give a complete answer to what you are.  For example, Jennifer Lopez has a big bubblicious butt that can only be described as a Hispanic backside( See stereotypes below for more information).

Yet we can find another equally superb ass (superbass!) hanging off Nicki Minaj’s spine, being supported by two concrete supports (also known as legs).

But Nicki, unlike Jennifer, identifies as Black.  Well this causes a conundrum, who has the Black ass and who has the Hispanic ass?  Are they interchangeable definitions?  What could possibly distinguish these two women?  The first two questions are just too highly philosophical for this debate and will be left to hip-hop experts and youtube commenters, but the third question can be answered with stereotypes.

4)  Stereotypes

Stereotypes are the tools we use to recognize race.  For example, “All Hispanic women have big butts”.  Incidentally, some scientists are studying whether the big butts are a direct result of their birthing hips, or an accidental side effect.  Jennifer Lopez (as seen above) fits this stereotype.  But so does Nicki, who identifies as Black.  We must use other stereotypes to differentiate them.

One of the things that sets them apart in these photos is their hair.  Nicki has long, straight hair.  Though many women may have this (and don’t define their race based on that), it is a well-known stereotype that Hispanic women have big curly hair.  Just like J-Lo, or Shakira.

You must be careful with stereotypes.  Some fit broad strokes of people, such as the above example involving butts.  J-Lo and Shakira can be categorized as Hispanic because they fit multiple stereotypes of that ethnicity.  In order to properly categorize someone, you start with a broad stereotype.  But you must work you way to more specific ones and match them with their proper category.  This guy recommends at least ten points of commonality within one category.  In this fashion you can avoid accidentally diagnosing your Asian Republican male friend as an Indian feminist female.

There are outliers to some stereotypes, such as Asians who can drive and Germans who love Jews.  These outliers should be ignored in the name of absolute ignorance.  The goal of these stereotypes is to keep us wary and separate.  How else can we do that without stereotypes?  Without them, how would I ever know that my Portuguese contractor and his Peruvian crew are really Mexican?  Things to remember when we tell each other to stop being judgmental.

5)  Skin Shade

Though we included this point, it was already proven to not be the best way to categorize someone.  Region of birth trumps skin shade, but it can still be very helpful in passing glance judgements.  I would include a chart, but if your environment doesn’t show you how to class someone based on their skin color, then I seriously consider how you were raised.

If you don’t know how to judge someone on skin tone, start learning!

6)  Religion

Some religions have the power to change your race if you so choose to follow them.  Here is the list, so that you know for your own good;

Christian: Anything is possible

Atheist: Anything is possible

Agnostic: Doesn’t change race, but does label you stupid

Jewish: White and/or Israeli

Mormon: White, even if they preach their God has accepted Blacks

Islam: ISIS affiliated?

Buddha: Chinese (the sad eyes)

Scientology: Sub-human

Greek/Roman: Dead

Aztec: Irrelevant/Dead

Campbellism: What everyone wants to be

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And there you have it!  Those are the six things you need to find your one true race and/or ethnicity.  Is everything I talked about race-related?  Not exactly.  Is my race just like my ethnicity?  Nope!  Can both be different?  Probably.  Do I want to stop asking myself questions about whether I confused race with ethnicity?  Yes!  You want to know so badly, ask the Internet on another tab!

If you have any further questions, feel free to e-mail your local government leaders, your Congressmen, your Senators, or our President.

What’s my race, you may ask, if not white?  Well I can’t share that.  A woman has to have her secrets, after all.

Your extra-terrestrial speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Is He Still Not In Charge?

Why have we not voted Rives to be the master of all that is the Internet?  Followers, I never thought I would reach this day.  Even dead, it appeared certain that all jobs that exist in this world should be filled with my presence.  This appeared to be an ever growing reality as the internet expands and holograms become ever present.  Yet, as I traversed my already claimed seat as king of the digital world, I found today the man who deserves this seat:  Rives.  A man who has discovered the conspiracy against 4 A.M.  A man who invented a britannica game.  A man who is hailed by Tedtalks as the first 2.0 poet!  Yet here I was proclaiming that the Internet was my domain.  Foolish!

This will never happen again, so take this post, bookmark it, send it into the world, and let them all see the one and only moment that I ever give away a position of power that I won just by existing.

I, Cameron Campbell, relinquish my seat of power in the internet to Rives and promise to follow his example as the second-in-command.  All hail our king, Rives!

Your conspiring usurper,

Cameron Campbell

Sia: Promoting Art, or Kiddie Porn?

 

Cameron is angry!  And for once it isn’t because my fantasy football team was rearranged by my English girlfriend.  Someone needs to tell her that Beckham plays soccer and not football!  No, this time I am upset because apparently pop culture is now forcing me to accept kiddie porn as ‘natural’.  In Sia’s new music video, she displays the bodies of Maddie Ziegler and Shia LaBeouf in near-nudity fighting each other within a cage.  A cage, as we all know, is a symbol of capture that has been frequently used in films to misrepresent how we contain our criminals.  They are not in a cage, but in cells that have bars and no clear form of escape, which is nothing like a cage.  A cage is what we call the basement of sickos who only want to have sex in completely unnatural ways (remember my talk about S&M and Saudi Arabia?  Like them!).  People have complained that the video promotes pedophilia, and frankly I must agree, but it is not just the video, it is also the lyrics.

Just listen to this, “And another one bites the dust/Oh why can I not conquer love?”  That sounds like a confession from Sia, not only of the children she keeps in her basement, but also of murder.  But this conspiracy of artists singing their sins has been around for a long time.  Remember the song “Another one bites the dust” by Queen?  It is filled with the multiple methods that Queen ruined the lives of dozens of people, yet they only name one.  Steve, with his hat, and machine guns (No gun control in the 80’s?).  The truly sick fact about Sia’s song is that she never gives us a number to her victims.  How many children has she touched?  Are the dancers complicit in her illegal activities?  And where was Shia LaBeouf all this time?  Was he trapped in the basement too?

And who knows, perhaps this is only the tip of the iceberg of her crimes.  “You got me pushing imaginary buttons/step away from me lover”  could be a confession of public nudity and sex.  “On a night like this/get out of misery”  possible drug use?  I’m thinking meth.  And this is only one artist!  We haven’t even begun to discuss Maroon 5’s multiple counts of stalking and possible kidnapping charges in “Animals”.  We mustn’t let these artists think that we are fooled by the claim that these videos are “full of artistic meaning”.  Because all of us who cannot stop seeing sex in everything we view know that sex is definitely involved, even after being told it is not about sex.  Why is that?  Not because we are obsessed.  It is because everything we see reminds us of sex.  As Sigmund Freud once said, “I need unt miss sex!”  Because there is no one in the world who is more trustworthy than a quack like Dr. Freud

Your local sex offender,

Cameron Campbell

http://womenintheology.org/2015/01/09/elastic-hearts-and-young-bodies-on-children-art-and-rape-culture/