Not Enough Secular In My Religious Holiday

Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”

You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.

I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!

Provided by Giphy
Provided by Giphy

Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.

People are right about Christmas.  It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion.  Christ was born, big-fucking whoop!  Do you have a tree in your living room?  Stockings above the fireplace?  Mistletoe attached to the ceiling?  Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’?  Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen?  If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!

There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas.  Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney!  Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled!  The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!”  It’s just so adorable.

A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief.  Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized.  When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.

Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,

Cameron Campbell

Thanksgiving-The Buffer Holiday

Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event.  Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis.  The family pool is already up to 100 dollars.  It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!

Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays.  That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me.  Before you ask, I wasn’t high.  It was a dream.

He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom.  They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords.  It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule.  That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Don’t believe me?  Just take some acid and fall asleep.  The genie will tell you the whole story.  I’m going to take some more drugs.  See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday.  And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.

Your mooching best pal,

Cameron Campbell

Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

Celebrating 1,000 Views: That’s All You Got?

Internet junkies and people who trying Internet just this one time!  Today is a historic day for those of you who stop and pay attention to something truly astonishing.  This website, that I so graciously began so that you can read all my incoherent ramblings, has finally reached 1,000 views!  Seeing as I have only had 567 visitors to the site, doubling the views ain’t so bad!

But this is not enough people.  Have you not read the title of this website?  You Didn’t Ask, But I’ll Answer.  Just because you haven’t asked, does not mean you don’t deserve an answer.  People need to know what they don’t care about.  Just as I am not satisfied with this result, neither should you.

Tell more people about this site.  Shove it in their faces that they are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.  Tell them about that one time I called Saudi Arabia a BDSM nation.  Remember that?  I don’t, but as lovers of this site, you should!

So get out there on your different social media sites.  Go on Twitter and Facebook and Myspace (it still exists!?), go to message boards and comments boxes and Instagram, go all over the web to any place that you can find that allows to insert text then copy/paste this link to them right now!  Because no one should be left in the cold and alone without any idea that I am here to offer them a blanket that I know no longer use.  It has a big hole in it.  I didn’t have sewing equipment so I just give it away as is.

If everyone who visits this site tells others, and those people tell other people they know, then we might just hit 2,000 views by the end of next year.

Your broke and spiritless author,

Cameron Campbell

Rapper B.E.N. ‘Prez’ Carson

Yo yo, er’body listen up!  What we got here is a new challenger on da streets.  Eminem move aside, take back yo name Marshall Mathers cuz we got ourselves a new king o’ rap ‘ere.  His name is Ben ‘Prez’ Carson, and he is gonna light this shit up!

Carson has released a new ad that will rock the radio waves.  The plan: rap until the African-American vote comes home at sundown.  If anyone could create a rap video and get away with it on the Republican side it would be Carson.  His ability to slowly stumble over his pre-planned statements, the bio filled with stories of ‘so I cut the bitch open’ and the constant calls “Represent” before his speeches all prove just how well he will fit in the rap world.

Some people, mostly myself, see how much this ad will help boost his rating among African-Americans.  Nothing brings people together like a good sing-a-long with the message, “Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me” (an actual quote).

After hearing how Carson plans to capture the hearts of his….I want to say fellow man, but seeing as he is trying to appeal to them with the music of their culture…It would be like Bush showing how white he is by playing Deep South banjo music with a jug and a washboard.  At that point, I would start questioning if he was the right kind of white to be president.  Unfortunately, the ex-neurosurgeon was lazy in how he operated on the rap.  Instead of taking the mic himself, he let Aspiring Mogul use sound bites of previous speeches.

This is a shame, especially when you think of what Ben Carson might have meant when he said this in response to the ad,

“I support, you know, them in doing that. But, you know, I probably would have taken a little different approach,” he said.

A different approach?  What do you mean Carson?  Does this mean somewhere you have a rap of your own written about how you wish to be president?  Did they, you know, shoot down your idea because, you know, you aren’t a professional rapper?  Poor Ben Carson!  All he wanted to do was rap alongside his idols Drake and Meek Mills, who are not only the greatest hip-hop artists, but also best friends.

Dr. Carson, I beg you to take time from your campaign to make your rap with your own lyrics.  The world would benefit greatly from this rap in their homes and in their hearts.  Who knows, maybe you would become internet famous!  And they may even forget the fact that you have lied about so many biographical ‘facts’.  I mean I know they are true, because I’ve been by your side since we were born, and I can vet that you were, in fact, a terrible student.  So please Ben (wink!), create that video, record that rap for us.  Because we are running low on reasons to laugh at Trump and could use a new funny man.

Your best friend,

Cameron ‘Bob’ Campbell

Don't ask and ye shall receive! Don't know what to be angry or confused about? Then this is the place to be. I have politics, music, a clown to keep you entertained when I'm away, and many more topics that you don't care about. Come, join the dark side. We have cookies. Have any questions or comments on my thoughts, but you don't want to express them for the world to see? Just contact me at camcampbellchat@gmail.com

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