Category Archives: Sunday Review

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

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Sunday Review: The 2nd Amendment

Gun control, the only phrase that can truly create fear in Yosemite Sam.  It is also a famous stop for Republican candidates, who appear to believe that gun control is like cancer: once you get it, it will kill you.  This is a slight misconstruing of the facts since gun control is not contractable through DNA or poor life choices.  Some people may even argue that it is a good life choice.  But that is just a foolish notion, as some Republicans continue to argue in defense of the good ol’ 2nd Amendment.

For a little fun, let us keep in mind when the 2nd Amendment was written.  The year, 1780’s or something like that.  The Americans have just defeated the British, proving that they are better in the second half of a match.  The founding coaches want people to have a certain amount of autonomy in the team, in case another Emperor attempts to take over the entire galaxy.  This is a time when no organized army exists, everyone and their grandmother has a gun, and the guns are single shot semi-accurate rifles.  Compared to today where you can fire a few hundred rounds in seconds.

Obama made a few comments about his plan to try and control flagrant misuse of guns through new gun control laws.  Whether these are more helpful or not in the long run in stopping gun violence is unknown.  One thing is certain: doing nothing cannot make the situation better.  Luckily, Republicans are willing to argue that doing nothing is the right thing to do.  Marco Rubio claimed during the last debate that Obama has been planning to take all the guns and would do it, if not for the 2nd Amendment.  And as we all know, no one has ever found a way around the Constitution.

I would include a video of Republicans denouncing any gun control, but it is a rather easy search on Google or YouTube.  It’s funny at first.  Then it gets a little sad when you realize they are serious.  Funny again when they say something insane.  Then scary when they offer no real alternative to gun control laws.

Back in ’96, Australia had a terrible mass shooting.  Soon after, they implemented strict gun regulation that significantly reduced gun-related deaths and have not had a mass shooting since that year.  Compare to the United States now where mass shootings may become so normal that abominable snowman Wolf Blitzer might stop covering those stories in his situation room.

This is not to say that we need to do exactly what Australia did.  People have a different relationships with guns here.  It is not that no one is trustworthy.  Things will go wrong at times.  People will still die by gun wounds, whether self-inflicted, by accident, or on purpose.  But by changing the laws, by attempting to do something, we might be able to bring those numbers down.  I cannot say whether the gun plans of Democratic candidates or the president himself will make any impact on gun-related crime.  That takes time to see results.  But I know that what they have suggested is more than what Marco Rubio has said on his site.

Telling the gun freaks that you will not be taking away their brides is great.  Defending the Constitution is also great.  And making sure that, in a little and insignificant way, people feel safe with their weapons is also great.  But when you see a problem, recognize there is a problem, then proceed to ignore and even deter any attempts to deal with the problem, you are no longer a hero.  You’re an enabler of fear, of misunderstanding, and misunderstanding the notion of what it means ‘to protect and uphold the Constitution’.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The ideas encompassed in this preamble are the ones that are in jeopardy when we allow people to sway us with emotional arguments that have no basis in fact or even sense.  Republicans and Democrats both do this.  Please, don’t listen to any of them.  They are not working for us.  They are working for our alien overlords who have promised to return in the year 2016.  It is clearly written on the walls of the Pyramids.  I’ve seen pictures, and the alien trapped within my body told me what the symbols mean.  Remember this well, my human brothers.  Use your 2nd Amendment right to shoot your way through anyone who tries to stop you from shooting your gun at potential aliens.  They are also aliens and they want to see you without a gun.

Your duo spirited speaker,

Cameron Campbell (Possessed by Andrew Cinko the Alien)