Category Archives: Sunday Review

The Return of Cameron Campbell 2018

Hello Internet! My goodness, it has been a year since I have given you the honor of my presence. Cameron Campbell is back! That’s right, like my role model Donald Trump, I spent more time on vacation than working. We can do that because people just love us. I mean, if I chose to shoot someone on the street my fans would stick by me no matter what.

Whoo! So there is a lot to process over the past 12-13 months. The one certainty is this: remember those whiny safe-space liberals who were poised to raise Crooked Hillary into office? Well now there are no safe spaces and everyone is saying Merry Christmas again! I mean, no one was stopping anyone from saying it, but now we can say it with meaning! Not like I wasn’t saying it before, but NOW it reminds me of the little baby Jesus surrounded by the three wise men Big Oil, Clean Coal, and the Trump Foundation and the soon-to-be war against fake news about Mary’s lineage. She is pure American and there is an ample lack of evidence about that!

merry christmas

You might be asking why yourself, “Why has Cameron waited so long to discuss his favorite president that will ever be?” Well first off stop being nosy into my business. The only individuals’ privacies we are allowed to invade must meet the following criteria: famous and acting suspicious/avoiding paparazzi cameras. They want you to think they are avoiding the cameras to try and be regular people. It’s a conspiracy and no restraining order will stop me from learning what Meryl Streep is hiding!

I had to wait a year. Trump was already doing so much for the country BEFORE winning, but how best to study a man’s achievements except by waiting for at least one real one? There have been so many victories that I barely know where to begin. Did I mention being able to say Christmas again?

Oh, there was the firings of sissy leaders like Sally Yates and James Comey who were “concerned about our national security.” Thanks a lot “experts” but Trump already has a plan to handle Putin so calm your libtard brains. Besides they are best friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Except if Hillary is doing it. Remember, Hillary friends with Putin=bad for country. Trump friends with Putin=good for country.

Trump has also become the first president to have the most personnel changes in his first year in office. 34% of his staff have either been fired or moved to another post. This has left some important positions open and work unattended. This is a brilliant tactical move. Think about it! The best way to show we don’t need a department is to show how it fails to accomplish its goal. By not appointing someone to the leadership position, the department is guaranteed to be a failure. We can do this with everything that is not Congress or the White House and create the Department of Everything Government run by Jared Kushner.

The greatest victory was showing the government’s complete lack of ability to accomplish anything. Now that Trump is in the White House and the Republicans control both houses of Congress we see just how incompetent those in power can be. They completely fail to pass laws with a majority and it’s all because of the Democrats. It might be counter-intuitive to blame those who do not have control but here is why we can blame Democrats. Democrats were in power and are now the minority in both houses. If they really wanted power, then they would have continued winning. The oppressed Republicans have become the oppressors and Democrats are too weak to get back up. So what do they do? Mind control. Confusing good ol’ America-loving Republicans with their sweet smelling pastries. I will not buy those delicious muffins if my money is going to help non-working orphans!

The recent government shutdown is the final proof of Trump’s theory. The government had a weekend getaway when Republicans and Democrats sent an agreement about DACA to Trump and he turned it down. It took them time, but they finally came to an agreement that will keep the government running for the next two weeks! Now each side is trying to determine who takes the blame. Back in 2013, Trump posited a theory that the man at the top is the one to blame for a situation going awry. This is why he needed to win the presidential election—to prove his point. It is always the president’s fault! And that is why he took the high ground, put on his big boy pants, and blamed the Democrats. Like any good leader should, split the voters and cause a partisan war.

I could not be happier with this presidency. He has done everything right, from his son who publicly stated he was contacted by a foreign power about sensitive information on their political opponent to labeling Jerusalem as the new location of the US Embassy against literally everyone’s recommendations. His presidency has been nothing but one success after another and I cannot see why people are upset with him. The harmful effect he has had on the political conversation in this country will plague us for years to come. Suck it Germany, we are the first superpower this century to have an actively destructive leader!

Your estranged aunt’s Facebook feed,

Cameron Campbell


Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

Sunday Review: The 2nd Amendment

Gun control, the only phrase that can truly create fear in Yosemite Sam.  It is also a famous stop for Republican candidates, who appear to believe that gun control is like cancer: once you get it, it will kill you.  This is a slight misconstruing of the facts since gun control is not contractable through DNA or poor life choices.  Some people may even argue that it is a good life choice.  But that is just a foolish notion, as some Republicans continue to argue in defense of the good ol’ 2nd Amendment.

For a little fun, let us keep in mind when the 2nd Amendment was written.  The year, 1780’s or something like that.  The Americans have just defeated the British, proving that they are better in the second half of a match.  The founding coaches want people to have a certain amount of autonomy in the team, in case another Emperor attempts to take over the entire galaxy.  This is a time when no organized army exists, everyone and their grandmother has a gun, and the guns are single shot semi-accurate rifles.  Compared to today where you can fire a few hundred rounds in seconds.

Obama made a few comments about his plan to try and control flagrant misuse of guns through new gun control laws.  Whether these are more helpful or not in the long run in stopping gun violence is unknown.  One thing is certain: doing nothing cannot make the situation better.  Luckily, Republicans are willing to argue that doing nothing is the right thing to do.  Marco Rubio claimed during the last debate that Obama has been planning to take all the guns and would do it, if not for the 2nd Amendment.  And as we all know, no one has ever found a way around the Constitution.

I would include a video of Republicans denouncing any gun control, but it is a rather easy search on Google or YouTube.  It’s funny at first.  Then it gets a little sad when you realize they are serious.  Funny again when they say something insane.  Then scary when they offer no real alternative to gun control laws.

Back in ’96, Australia had a terrible mass shooting.  Soon after, they implemented strict gun regulation that significantly reduced gun-related deaths and have not had a mass shooting since that year.  Compare to the United States now where mass shootings may become so normal that abominable snowman Wolf Blitzer might stop covering those stories in his situation room.

This is not to say that we need to do exactly what Australia did.  People have a different relationships with guns here.  It is not that no one is trustworthy.  Things will go wrong at times.  People will still die by gun wounds, whether self-inflicted, by accident, or on purpose.  But by changing the laws, by attempting to do something, we might be able to bring those numbers down.  I cannot say whether the gun plans of Democratic candidates or the president himself will make any impact on gun-related crime.  That takes time to see results.  But I know that what they have suggested is more than what Marco Rubio has said on his site.

Telling the gun freaks that you will not be taking away their brides is great.  Defending the Constitution is also great.  And making sure that, in a little and insignificant way, people feel safe with their weapons is also great.  But when you see a problem, recognize there is a problem, then proceed to ignore and even deter any attempts to deal with the problem, you are no longer a hero.  You’re an enabler of fear, of misunderstanding, and misunderstanding the notion of what it means ‘to protect and uphold the Constitution’.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The ideas encompassed in this preamble are the ones that are in jeopardy when we allow people to sway us with emotional arguments that have no basis in fact or even sense.  Republicans and Democrats both do this.  Please, don’t listen to any of them.  They are not working for us.  They are working for our alien overlords who have promised to return in the year 2016.  It is clearly written on the walls of the Pyramids.  I’ve seen pictures, and the alien trapped within my body told me what the symbols mean.  Remember this well, my human brothers.  Use your 2nd Amendment right to shoot your way through anyone who tries to stop you from shooting your gun at potential aliens.  They are also aliens and they want to see you without a gun.

Your duo spirited speaker,

Cameron Campbell (Possessed by Andrew Cinko the Alien)