Category Archives: Race

Questions For The New Year

Dear Sheep,

A shepherd is here to lead you into the new year! Now I know with a new year comes the ‘same old same old’, but that won’t be true for 2016. This is the year that we should think bigger, imagine harder, and use more Viagra to get harder and longer-lasting hard-ons! I feel that I lost track of what I was discussing, but to be clear, I do not have a problem. It was a long day and I was tired.

So, to try and help you get started for this exciting and young year, I decided that instead of giving you the answers, I thought I would offer you some questions. Warning: these questions should not be posed to a particular group of people. I can’t mention them directly since I’m their bitch, but you have been warned. Don’t go near THEM.

Pending anymore interruptions from the reptilians…No, I only said it because Jeff said it-oh good, they took Jeff. Anyway, on with the questions!

When is a good time to ask your doctor about getting the new and exciting miracle cure?

Answer: A man doesn’t ask, he takes.

(I couldn’t resist giving an answer. Sue me. But know that I have some very good imagination lawyers. Then can do high multiplication.)

When will people remember what matters and work towards a future that will make things better for all?

Correction: Why should I make things better for all, if I can make things better for me? Eventually my “wellness” will trickle down into society. Think about it.

When is the best time to have sex with a girl: after kidnapping her or in the middle of a mash pit?

Answer: You should have a blow-up doll waiting at home.

Do you know the muffin man?

Correction: Do you know about the muffin man’s cocaine addiction?

Will there be another Justin Bieber album?

Answer: It’s 2016, right? Get over it.

I would apologize for the answers to some of these questions, but you came here for answers first. Please don’t stick to my answers if you don’t like them. Feel free to find your own.  But beware, if they are not correct, you will be put on a humiliation display that will rival the whore shaming shackles of old! So go out and be free my sheep, until I send my dogs to recollect you and put you back in your pen.

Your master who is servant to another master,

Cameron Campbell

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Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

The Power of Vigilantism

“If you see something, say something”

Truly a catchy phrase with a catchy infomercial feel that almost makes you paranoid enough to think anything or anyone is out to get you.

“That guy keeps looking around after looking at his phone.”  He is looking for a friend, everybody duck!  Or better yet, we will do what they suggested in case of a bomb: crouch under your desk that has not been prepared for a possible nuclear apocalypse. In New York’s case, I guess it would be under the subway benches, or a big fat guy who happens to be in your coach.

The point is we can make a different in how our cities are protected from terrorism, and these infomercials are attempting to sell you your own form of protection.

Tired of relying on the police force for protection?

Do you feel that they are unable to live up to the level security you desire?

Do you need a way to show your racism without it being ‘blown out of proportion’?  Well we have the perfect solution for you!

Introducing 21st century vigilantism!  Vigilantism is universal process of justice that can be metered out by anyone based upon their own emotions and biases.

Think your Syrian neighbor is an ISIS agent planning something sinister? No problem!  Just rally up some of your close friends, take vigilantism, and off you go to string him up for unsubstantiated crimes!

Think your one black friend is giving your girlfriend a nasty look?  Hit up some vigilantism and gain the courage to confront him with a group of white guys behind you.  I’m sure this will work out in your favor.  With vigilantism, anything is possible!  Just listen to these reviews.

I work with a guy who is some kind of Arab, and as soon as he started talking, I knew I had to keep a close eye on him.  21st century vigilantism helped me do that.

Back in the 1950’s, we used 20th century vigilantism all the time and nobody cared.  In fact, we were encouraged. It was a positive thing and became a community thing. We didn’t get it from no government like kids today.  It was handed down to us from our ancestors.  They were the pros, we were just trying to fumble our way through.

Yes, I encouraged it at the camps to be used by mein officers.  They knew what the Jews were, as did everyone.  And I let all my officers know that they were the only ones, they were the Übermensch that protected the German people from the destructive power of the Jews.

21st century vigilantism is recommended for 12 and up.  The use of 21st vigilantism could result in embarrassing mistakes, viral YouTube videos, arrest, bruises, scars, internal or external injuries, white guilt, depression at the realization of how weak you are, anxiety, a perpetual sense of danger, and death.  If you contract any of these symptoms, immediately stop using 21st century vigilantism as continued usage will only make things worse.  Do not try and clarify your efforts to thwart a terrorist cell that existed in your head.  If attempting to blame anyone who is black with a crime, ensure that there is a cop around who can shoot when you are sure to fail.  If caught with 21st century vigilantism in your possession, immediately attempt to get rid of it.  Perhaps pass it off as your friend’s idea.

21st century vigilantism.  Being paranoid and racist never looked so cool!

Your local terrorist,

Cameron Campbell

What Brand Race Are You?

Oh Internet nation, I am terribly confused!  Someone asked me recently how I define my race.  I told them white.  Then they asked me where I was born.  When I told them, their response was that I wasn’t truly white, that it’s impossible.  How can this be?  Well as soon as I learned the process, I learned that there is a lot to defining yourself:

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1)  Regional Background

Whiteness, Blackness and others are based upon the region of your birth.  The guys I spoke to said this is the first tell-tale sign of race.  This is because the region where you are born will define how you act later in life.  Eminem, for example, is attacked for being a white rapper, but he was raised in a world that could be defined as ‘black’; no daddy, mommy issues, and street rapping.

This is contrary to Urkel who, though he has dark skin, is nothing but a rich white kid in disguise with his stable home, high education, and family life.  No matter how quirky they are!  Urkel has a comfortable life as a ‘white’ kid.  Just look at that smile!

We concluded that I am white due to my being born in America, though we agreed that some states have a certain a relationship that could make their inhabitants another race.  For example, New Jersey is to New York as Puerto Rico is to the United States.  This means that people from New Jersey are first considered Hispanic/Spanish.  There is no argument about this anymore in the scientific community where they have proven that statement.

2)  Mixing and Purity

This deals with your parents and how their background affects your own definition of race and ethnicity.  In the same way that your region of birth defines you, so does the region of birth and mixing of those regions through your parents affects you.  For example, imagine both of your parents came to the United States (USA!) from a European nation.  You are first generation American-white.  However, they are not.  They are European white, and you are being raised in their household.  Does that make you a disgusting foreigner who should be shunned and ignored, or a proud native American who has nothing to do with dirty American Indians?

Between us, we created an equation that will aid you in defining your parental ethnicity.   If you are first generation America, begin with 15%.  If one is foreign, begin with 25%.  If both of your parents are natural citizens, you start with 50%.  If second generation or higher, add 15% times the generation you are (Ex. If you’re 3rd gen American, you add 45%).  Subtract 10% times the amount of foreigners your family marries into the family (anyone who requires a green card).  This subtraction only applies to family members who are natural born American citizens.  Any family members outside of the country are an automatic subtraction of 10%, but that is only for blood relatives.  If your aunt in Italy marries and Italian, you ONLY subtract for your aunt.  If, however, that foreign aunt marries an American, add 20%.  If said aunt has children, only first cousins count towards your percentage.  For first cousins you add or subtract 5% (above rules apply).  Territories count as American. (This math has not been perfected or checked by a mathematician.  Any questions about this section should be sent to Bill Gates.)

The measurement used for this test is American-white.  Since America is a first world country, it is considered a “white” country.  Especially since this was the face of our nation for eight years.

This number is a separate calculation to your own regional background (which is not a number).  The amount of American-white units you are is meant to be used as a gloating point.  It can be flaunted in front of foreigners who want to be American and friends who think they are more American than yourself.  But be careful, because you never know which friend will have more points.  Then who isn’t American, Mike!

3)  Physical Features

This is a critical point, but is also one of the hardest to define.  Physical features, such as a big Jewish noses (race?) or Vampire-sized teeth can change how others view you.  Though this may not be important to you, it is highly important for others.  It is through first looks and impressions that we acquire the necessary knowledge to hurt and ridicule a person.  It is important that you properly portray your race/ethnicity through your physical features, or else you’ll be discriminated for all the wrong reasons.

Some physical features can be confusing and may not give a complete answer to what you are.  For example, Jennifer Lopez has a big bubblicious butt that can only be described as a Hispanic backside( See stereotypes below for more information).

Yet we can find another equally superb ass (superbass!) hanging off Nicki Minaj’s spine, being supported by two concrete supports (also known as legs).

But Nicki, unlike Jennifer, identifies as Black.  Well this causes a conundrum, who has the Black ass and who has the Hispanic ass?  Are they interchangeable definitions?  What could possibly distinguish these two women?  The first two questions are just too highly philosophical for this debate and will be left to hip-hop experts and youtube commenters, but the third question can be answered with stereotypes.

4)  Stereotypes

Stereotypes are the tools we use to recognize race.  For example, “All Hispanic women have big butts”.  Incidentally, some scientists are studying whether the big butts are a direct result of their birthing hips, or an accidental side effect.  Jennifer Lopez (as seen above) fits this stereotype.  But so does Nicki, who identifies as Black.  We must use other stereotypes to differentiate them.

One of the things that sets them apart in these photos is their hair.  Nicki has long, straight hair.  Though many women may have this (and don’t define their race based on that), it is a well-known stereotype that Hispanic women have big curly hair.  Just like J-Lo, or Shakira.

You must be careful with stereotypes.  Some fit broad strokes of people, such as the above example involving butts.  J-Lo and Shakira can be categorized as Hispanic because they fit multiple stereotypes of that ethnicity.  In order to properly categorize someone, you start with a broad stereotype.  But you must work you way to more specific ones and match them with their proper category.  This guy recommends at least ten points of commonality within one category.  In this fashion you can avoid accidentally diagnosing your Asian Republican male friend as an Indian feminist female.

There are outliers to some stereotypes, such as Asians who can drive and Germans who love Jews.  These outliers should be ignored in the name of absolute ignorance.  The goal of these stereotypes is to keep us wary and separate.  How else can we do that without stereotypes?  Without them, how would I ever know that my Portuguese contractor and his Peruvian crew are really Mexican?  Things to remember when we tell each other to stop being judgmental.

5)  Skin Shade

Though we included this point, it was already proven to not be the best way to categorize someone.  Region of birth trumps skin shade, but it can still be very helpful in passing glance judgements.  I would include a chart, but if your environment doesn’t show you how to class someone based on their skin color, then I seriously consider how you were raised.

If you don’t know how to judge someone on skin tone, start learning!

6)  Religion

Some religions have the power to change your race if you so choose to follow them.  Here is the list, so that you know for your own good;

Christian: Anything is possible

Atheist: Anything is possible

Agnostic: Doesn’t change race, but does label you stupid

Jewish: White and/or Israeli

Mormon: White, even if they preach their God has accepted Blacks

Islam: ISIS affiliated?

Buddha: Chinese (the sad eyes)

Scientology: Sub-human

Greek/Roman: Dead

Aztec: Irrelevant/Dead

Campbellism: What everyone wants to be

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And there you have it!  Those are the six things you need to find your one true race and/or ethnicity.  Is everything I talked about race-related?  Not exactly.  Is my race just like my ethnicity?  Nope!  Can both be different?  Probably.  Do I want to stop asking myself questions about whether I confused race with ethnicity?  Yes!  You want to know so badly, ask the Internet on another tab!

If you have any further questions, feel free to e-mail your local government leaders, your Congressmen, your Senators, or our President.

What’s my race, you may ask, if not white?  Well I can’t share that.  A woman has to have her secrets, after all.

Your extra-terrestrial speaker,

Cameron Campbell