Category Archives: Letters

Thanksgiving-The Buffer Holiday

Finally the day of bad wine, bad company, and bad side dishes has come to break the ice before the main event.  Thanksgiving, the day when families come together to feel out which topic will ignite an argument on Christmas the fastest. I’ve placed my bet on the Syrian refugee crisis.  The family pool is already up to 100 dollars.  It’s not that I want my family to fight, but if they are going to anyway, I may as well make some money!

Now you may be wondering why I’m bothering to mention this holiday-between-holidays.  That is because I learned the true story of Thanksgiving from a genie that came to visit me.  Before you ask, I wasn’t high.  It was a dream.

He told me that the pilgrims didn’t come here for religious freedom.  They had come to form a new alien civilization for our alien overlords.  It was believed that they would one day return to our world and when they did they would need a country from which to rule.  That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Don’t believe me?  Just take some acid and fall asleep.  The genie will tell you the whole story.  I’m going to take some more drugs.  See you again at Christmas-the true winter holiday.  And if you’re getting me anything, money for drugs would be great.

Your mooching best pal,

Cameron Campbell

Dear Non-Terrorist Muslims 

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Not-Terrorist Muslims,

I must say, I am very disappoint.  I expected more from your people.  I thought inviting you to my birthday party would be an honor for you and a pleasure for me.  I love watching from the stands as you fight for who is the WWE champion.

I’m sorry?  You mean it isn’t Muslims that fight for the title?  Well then someone needs to teach me about this sport properly!  Islam is not a sport?  Well that is a good start.  Jeff, get back over here.  You know what happens to liars, right?  They get spanked!

Anyway, let’s get into it.  We are going to learn the truth about Muslims and Islam.  We will finally find out which Kardashian they like the best.  I personally prefer Kim, but I’m biased towards alliterations in names.

Islam is a religion that has claimed before to be a religion of peace, and there are groups who explain the basics of Islam for those of us who don’t have time to read ANOTHER book about religion.  I already read my picture book Noah and the Seven Dwarves, what more do you want!  Spoilers: The dwarves die due to an extreme nut allergy.  I said spoilers, so you can’t get mad at me Internet.

There are even people who work to defend Islam, arguing that the Qu’ran has been taken out of context.  This is not the first time that a group of radicals have read a holy book and misunderstood.  What I don’t understand is why people then feel the need to defend their beliefs.  To change public opinion?  People attack the Bible and Christians all the time, but I never see people upset about that.  In fact, I believe it was Jesus that said, “I don’t give a fuck about you or anything that you do.”  My suggestion to Muslims is just don’t give a fuck.  Dem be bitches homeboy.

Though that is sound advice for anyone who follows the teachings of Prophet Big Sean, it may no longer be my advice to Muslims after a revelation I had thanks to John Vause and Isha Sesay at CNN.

I don’t know about any of you, but I was sold as soon as I saw this footage.  Of course the French Muslims knew!  Unlike other religions, those who follow the teachings of Islam and Mohammed have a special bond that allows them to communicate telepathically.  That would explain why our intelligence groups are having issues collecting data on ISIS.  They aren’t encrypting messages on the internet: They aren’t using the Internet at all.

By using wireless brain phones, the terrorists have been able to elude our sophisticated technology.  But now I have a question for you Muslims;  If you have the ability to converse using brain waves, why don’t you mind tap them?  Perhaps you can use Chi to locate their mental link.  Once you have done that, attach a listening link so that you can warn us about the next attack.

Just like my friends at CNN, I don’t want to place blame on innocent Muslims.  You guys are like brothers, in the sense that we are both humans (You’re still French, and that is clearly not American).  I’m just asking you, as one human to another, to do more for everyone to stop these extremists.  I know you are not in any way affiliated with ISIS and denounce everything they do, but we all know you could be doing more.  You need to start apologizing for those not affiliated with you and take responsibility for those that want to kill you for being traitors.  If not, we can always send you back home like the Syrian refugees.

Brought To You By Islamophobia,

Cameron Campbell

I Cannot Be Partisan, I am Liberal!

Nation of followers, I am more confused than when I was told that people have ideas that differ from my own. What? You mean not everyone thinks that Hitler had a decent shot of being an artist if the CIA had not pressured him to become a dictator? Look it up. It’s a fact I imagined. It’s probably already on Wikipedia.  Now something far worse plagues me and makes me question my existence as an extreme republican. And that is the existence of extreme democrats. I thought I was special and extreme! Specially extremely special! Occupy Democrats are forcing me to question myself. What is the point of being extreme if my opponents are going to copy me?

As it confuses me, it also enrages me. How dare they take my system of pure outrage and use it against me! Against us, my fellow demo-…republicans! Yelling things without proof is the system that we perfected. And Jeff the intern had sent in papers to copyright this technique.

Wait, he didn’t?  Are you sure?  Dammit Jeff!  You are going to get such a spanking when I am done here!

Well, if you know nothing about Occupy Democrats, let me tell you just a few key points.  If you don’t spend a lot of time being political on Facebook or are just a seriously creepy person who doesn’t socialize and get all of their news from Facebook (who does that!?), then you may have not seen threads like this appear all over dashboards everywhere:

I have to say, if it weren’t for the mention of Obama, I would not be sure of whether I was supposed to be in support of the image or the comment. Thank goodness people use names and labels! But if you look at what Occupy Democrats has done, it is clearly a direct hijacking of our republican bashing system. Just look at Bill O’Reilly and his attempt to portray Christianity as a philosophy and not a religion. It is this kind of insane, unintelligent, and completely one-sided arguments that we have spent years developing. Then we honed our skills, and trained the younglings; Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, pretty much all of Fox News, and many of the famous of the republican party. Some of them tried to form their own dojos, like Rand Paul.  He was a failure.

But when I heard about Governor Cuomo’s idea to shut down the government to force gun reform, I lost it. That was our idea first to force discussion about Planned Parenthood! And as I researched further, I found MSNBC and other liberal news sites pulling our republican tactics on us. What has the world come to when populace-view grabbing television techniques can be taken and used so easily! It’s like no one respects their senseis and the hard work we went through creating these martial arts for them…damn you, Ralph Macchio!

It took some time, but after shooting my gun into the sky and pointing it at random passersby, I calmed down enough to realize the beauty of this moment.  Like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus, I felt the sun start to give me sun burn and ran indoors as fast as I could.  Occupy Democrats may have taken our system, but they can be just as destructive to bipartisanship and open dialogue as we are.  In fact, no one can deter talks between two groups better than us extremists.

So keep posting your images that claim anyone who dislikes Obama is a traitor to this nation while claiming that we should lower the amount of people we have in our prisons.  We will keep screaming about the war on our religious holidays, that are really only part of our philosophy.  And maybe for a class project, we can trade extremes, try and fight from the opposite perspective.  Because it doesn’t matter what we are saying, so long as it has no basis in fact and blatantly attacks the other side! I want to see more of this, Occupy Democrats. So long as you have us focus on fighting you and your extreme ideas with our own extreme ideas, we will never have to talk to each other about real issues or worry about making real change.

Your Extreme brother-from-a-republican-mother,

Cameron Campbell

Want to read from other people about Occupy Democrats?  Click on the links below.

This one is rather well worded.

Manny Schewitz

This one is a little more angry, but he gets his point to the reader.

Click Here

Dear New York Times

I am writing to you today to express my feelings about your publication as it is still (apparently) being used by people to wrap flowers and pick up dog shit.  Now that I have been given a place where I can share my voice with the world, it seems necessary that I share with everyone the threat that you pose by simply existing.  Now this isn’t to say that you are a true concern of mine, but it can be argued that you could become such in the future.  I am forced then to deal with you swiftly in order to protect myself, even if attacking you only gives you more power against me.

I would like to be clear!  It is not that I do not respect what you do with your writing.  Far from that!  I can respect what you do when you write articles that explain why America should be more like the Dutch, who are the size of Maryland.  They are a perfect example of what one of our states should be like, and if only the federal government could be just like a state government, well then everything would be just dandy!  There is no truer statement.

Or when you write more coherent articles about the arts in paparazzi-style journalism, discussing a case about a famous man who may or may not be extradited to American for crimes from the 70’s.  Who knew you were on the edge of breaking the great ‘Lady Gaga has man parts’ story. Here I thought I would be the first to make that argument.

No, it is not what you do that offends me, but how you go about it.  You believe yourself to be news, informing the people with your poorly written accusation stories.  Creating pieces that contain small bits of information that don’t create a proper story-who do you think you are, me?

There is only enough space in this town for one reporter who takes himself way too seriously with stories that serve no real purpose for the people.  I work hard for five minutes creating my stories, just like you.  And I spend seconds editing them together, just like you!  But I’ll be damned if I let you go around town with that imploded belief confidence in your own work.  This is no place for small-fry like you.  And I will do everything in my power to show the world that between you and I, there is only one true fake-reporter.  That reporter will be me.

Your non-corporate adversary,

Cameron Campbell