Category Archives: Hot Topics

The Return of Cameron Campbell 2018

Hello Internet! My goodness, it has been a year since I have given you the honor of my presence. Cameron Campbell is back! That’s right, like my role model Donald Trump, I spent more time on vacation than working. We can do that because people just love us. I mean, if I chose to shoot someone on the street my fans would stick by me no matter what.

Whoo! So there is a lot to process over the past 12-13 months. The one certainty is this: remember those whiny safe-space liberals who were poised to raise Crooked Hillary into office? Well now there are no safe spaces and everyone is saying Merry Christmas again! I mean, no one was stopping anyone from saying it, but now we can say it with meaning! Not like I wasn’t saying it before, but NOW it reminds me of the little baby Jesus surrounded by the three wise men Big Oil, Clean Coal, and the Trump Foundation and the soon-to-be war against fake news about Mary’s lineage. She is pure American and there is an ample lack of evidence about that!

merry christmas

You might be asking why yourself, “Why has Cameron waited so long to discuss his favorite president that will ever be?” Well first off stop being nosy into my business. The only individuals’ privacies we are allowed to invade must meet the following criteria: famous and acting suspicious/avoiding paparazzi cameras. They want you to think they are avoiding the cameras to try and be regular people. It’s a conspiracy and no restraining order will stop me from learning what Meryl Streep is hiding!

I had to wait a year. Trump was already doing so much for the country BEFORE winning, but how best to study a man’s achievements except by waiting for at least one real one? There have been so many victories that I barely know where to begin. Did I mention being able to say Christmas again?

Oh, there was the firings of sissy leaders like Sally Yates and James Comey who were “concerned about our national security.” Thanks a lot “experts” but Trump already has a plan to handle Putin so calm your libtard brains. Besides they are best friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Except if Hillary is doing it. Remember, Hillary friends with Putin=bad for country. Trump friends with Putin=good for country.

Trump has also become the first president to have the most personnel changes in his first year in office. 34% of his staff have either been fired or moved to another post. This has left some important positions open and work unattended. This is a brilliant tactical move. Think about it! The best way to show we don’t need a department is to show how it fails to accomplish its goal. By not appointing someone to the leadership position, the department is guaranteed to be a failure. We can do this with everything that is not Congress or the White House and create the Department of Everything Government run by Jared Kushner.

The greatest victory was showing the government’s complete lack of ability to accomplish anything. Now that Trump is in the White House and the Republicans control both houses of Congress we see just how incompetent those in power can be. They completely fail to pass laws with a majority and it’s all because of the Democrats. It might be counter-intuitive to blame those who do not have control but here is why we can blame Democrats. Democrats were in power and are now the minority in both houses. If they really wanted power, then they would have continued winning. The oppressed Republicans have become the oppressors and Democrats are too weak to get back up. So what do they do? Mind control. Confusing good ol’ America-loving Republicans with their sweet smelling pastries. I will not buy those delicious muffins if my money is going to help non-working orphans!

The recent government shutdown is the final proof of Trump’s theory. The government had a weekend getaway when Republicans and Democrats sent an agreement about DACA to Trump and he turned it down. It took them time, but they finally came to an agreement that will keep the government running for the next two weeks! Now each side is trying to determine who takes the blame. Back in 2013, Trump posited a theory that the man at the top is the one to blame for a situation going awry. This is why he needed to win the presidential election—to prove his point. It is always the president’s fault! And that is why he took the high ground, put on his big boy pants, and blamed the Democrats. Like any good leader should, split the voters and cause a partisan war.

I could not be happier with this presidency. He has done everything right, from his son who publicly stated he was contacted by a foreign power about sensitive information on their political opponent to labeling Jerusalem as the new location of the US Embassy against literally everyone’s recommendations. His presidency has been nothing but one success after another and I cannot see why people are upset with him. The harmful effect he has had on the political conversation in this country will plague us for years to come. Suck it Germany, we are the first superpower this century to have an actively destructive leader!

Your estranged aunt’s Facebook feed,

Cameron Campbell


There Can Only Be One: 2016 Election Conclusion: Part 1

Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.

Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!

On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.

I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.

I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.

The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.

The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.

What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.

America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.

It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.

Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,

Cameron Campbell

A Farewell to Everyone Moving to Canada After the Election — Sass & Balderdash

My fellow Americans, election day is upon us, but for many of you, this vote decides much more than just the 45th president of the United States, but where you’ll be living for the next four to eight years. Will you remain where you live now in United States, near to your job, your family and…

via A Farewell to Everyone Moving to Canada After the Election — Sass & Balderdash

Sunday Review: The 2nd Amendment

Gun control, the only phrase that can truly create fear in Yosemite Sam.  It is also a famous stop for Republican candidates, who appear to believe that gun control is like cancer: once you get it, it will kill you.  This is a slight misconstruing of the facts since gun control is not contractable through DNA or poor life choices.  Some people may even argue that it is a good life choice.  But that is just a foolish notion, as some Republicans continue to argue in defense of the good ol’ 2nd Amendment.

For a little fun, let us keep in mind when the 2nd Amendment was written.  The year, 1780’s or something like that.  The Americans have just defeated the British, proving that they are better in the second half of a match.  The founding coaches want people to have a certain amount of autonomy in the team, in case another Emperor attempts to take over the entire galaxy.  This is a time when no organized army exists, everyone and their grandmother has a gun, and the guns are single shot semi-accurate rifles.  Compared to today where you can fire a few hundred rounds in seconds.

Obama made a few comments about his plan to try and control flagrant misuse of guns through new gun control laws.  Whether these are more helpful or not in the long run in stopping gun violence is unknown.  One thing is certain: doing nothing cannot make the situation better.  Luckily, Republicans are willing to argue that doing nothing is the right thing to do.  Marco Rubio claimed during the last debate that Obama has been planning to take all the guns and would do it, if not for the 2nd Amendment.  And as we all know, no one has ever found a way around the Constitution.

I would include a video of Republicans denouncing any gun control, but it is a rather easy search on Google or YouTube.  It’s funny at first.  Then it gets a little sad when you realize they are serious.  Funny again when they say something insane.  Then scary when they offer no real alternative to gun control laws.

Back in ’96, Australia had a terrible mass shooting.  Soon after, they implemented strict gun regulation that significantly reduced gun-related deaths and have not had a mass shooting since that year.  Compare to the United States now where mass shootings may become so normal that abominable snowman Wolf Blitzer might stop covering those stories in his situation room.

This is not to say that we need to do exactly what Australia did.  People have a different relationships with guns here.  It is not that no one is trustworthy.  Things will go wrong at times.  People will still die by gun wounds, whether self-inflicted, by accident, or on purpose.  But by changing the laws, by attempting to do something, we might be able to bring those numbers down.  I cannot say whether the gun plans of Democratic candidates or the president himself will make any impact on gun-related crime.  That takes time to see results.  But I know that what they have suggested is more than what Marco Rubio has said on his site.

Telling the gun freaks that you will not be taking away their brides is great.  Defending the Constitution is also great.  And making sure that, in a little and insignificant way, people feel safe with their weapons is also great.  But when you see a problem, recognize there is a problem, then proceed to ignore and even deter any attempts to deal with the problem, you are no longer a hero.  You’re an enabler of fear, of misunderstanding, and misunderstanding the notion of what it means ‘to protect and uphold the Constitution’.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The ideas encompassed in this preamble are the ones that are in jeopardy when we allow people to sway us with emotional arguments that have no basis in fact or even sense.  Republicans and Democrats both do this.  Please, don’t listen to any of them.  They are not working for us.  They are working for our alien overlords who have promised to return in the year 2016.  It is clearly written on the walls of the Pyramids.  I’ve seen pictures, and the alien trapped within my body told me what the symbols mean.  Remember this well, my human brothers.  Use your 2nd Amendment right to shoot your way through anyone who tries to stop you from shooting your gun at potential aliens.  They are also aliens and they want to see you without a gun.

Your duo spirited speaker,

Cameron Campbell (Possessed by Andrew Cinko the Alien)

Not Enough Secular In My Religious Holiday

Merry Christmas to all of my Christian followers! Now that THAT is out of the way: Merry Christmas to all of my true Christmas fans! You know who you are. You are the ones who put reindeer and a sled on your roof because it looks like Santa is on your roof all season long. “I know it’s dangerous honey, but imagine all the cheesy jokes we will make with our neighbors. It’s worth the broken arm, believe me.”

You are the ones who go to your local Starbucks (a local coffeeshop I am lead to believe by Jeff the intern) and are upset that there are no snowflakes or depictions of the traditional signs that Christmas is upon us. How am I supposed to know that the season of rampant shopping is here without seeing a fat guy in an ostentatious red suit flying around my paper cup in what I assume is a very expensive hover car? Sure, he can get one in the North Pole, but us regular folk in the continents have to wait for the technology to become available in our region.

I just want to be clear, I completely agree with you. Just because I have a car sticker that says ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’ doesn’t mean that I actually want to do that. That’s just a thing people say. Like when your father says, “My New Year’s resolution is to curse less and be a better person” as he whips you because you changed the fucking channel just as the game was getting fucking good. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m sorry daddy! I promise I’ll do better this year!

Provided by Giphy
Provided by Giphy

Apparently I look like a crying egg yolk.

People are right about Christmas.  It is not my religious holiday unless everyone is celebrating it in a secular fashion.  Christ was born, big-fucking whoop!  Do you have a tree in your living room?  Stockings above the fireplace?  Mistletoe attached to the ceiling?  Do you say ‘Merry Christmas’?  Do you only play Christmas music that talks about Rudolph, Santa, snow, or talking snowmen?  If you don’t, you’re celebrating Christmas wrong!

There is not much I hold sacred, but the one thing that I absolutely hold sacred is my secular holiday, Christmas.  Praise be to the fat man in the sky who invades my home through my chimney!  Rest ye coked-up gentlemen, a wonder child has signed you up for a new contract with Siri—Siri and shoppers reconciled!  The little drummer boy plays his drum at 6am to the tune of, “Give me presents!”  It’s just so adorable.

A religious holiday is never complete until it is spread among the people who don’t share the religious belief.  Personally, this won’t feel like Christmas to me until it has become perfectly secularized.  When it is only seen as a way to celebrate gift giving and receiving, when Christ has been removed from Christmas (just another thing people say), then it will truly be the Christmas season.

Your Hanukkah-celebrating Buddhist,

Cameron Campbell