Category Archives: Fundamentals of Site

A Word from the Author

Dear Followers and Readers of this blog,

First, I would like to thank you for visiting, reading, and sometimes leaving little notes on these pieces.  I know there aren’t many of you, but it is a great pleasure to know that there is anyone out there listening to my insane rants in the form of a person who I fear may exist in the world outside.  Even though I don’t like Cameron Campbell, I have grown attached to him in the year that I have worked to make him into a voice worth reading to ignore.  Which is what makes this post so difficult.

With the new year, I had decided to set up a schedule of posts that would appear in an orderly fashion.  It seemed appropriate since most people I saw on WordPress were doing that.  I thought at first it was just because they were anal-retentive (as our friend Freud would describe them).  Then I realized how efficient that was!  I was looking forward to what I would do with two posts every week, thinking about all the insane stories that would be appearing in the upcoming year.

Sadly, I will not be able to start the year in the way I had anticipated.  Life circumstances have gotten in the way and are sapping away all the extra time I could have used to support this blog.  I am uncertain as to when I will be able to return, but I promise you that I will come back.  If you cannot wait and feel the need to read another blog, I understand.  I only ask that you don’t tell me about your discretion when you come back.

Thank you for these past few months.  You, the readers and followers, have helped me in ways you cannot imagine.  If it weren’t for you I would have given up on this project a long time ago.  I am glad I didn’t.  I hope to come back soon.  Farewell until then.

“Never stop looking for answers to questions you never asked.  Those answers might be the answers you never wanted.” —Cameron Campbell

Your simple author,

Andrew Cinko

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2015 Review: 2016 Style

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My dear followers,

This may be the most exciting thing that you read about the year that we know as 2015. Now as I know some of you can get distracted by all the pretty colors and lights in the background, I will attempt to give you a quick explanation about the page.

It starts by talking about how my page is like a San Francisco Tram. I think they mean that I can take you around the city and smell like a port a potty in the summer heat all year round. Not sure why that is appealing, but there must be a few smell fetishists who read this website. All across the board, the most popular post this year was What Brand Race Are You? It had the most views. This isn’t a surprise since most people don’t know they are of a race. I’m a Syfy and proud of it!

Though many of you have been diligent and pay attention to this wonderful page, others have not been tuning in to hear the answers to questions they haven’t asked. I know you read other blogs, watched television shows, and the occasional porno for business purposes. We all make mistakes. I understand that. I have a young intern who makes mistakes all the time (I don’t personally make mistakes, I’m perfect). But those are all in the past now. Those were the mistakes of 2015. I’m sure in 2016, you will all do the right thing and come to this blog. It does, after all, contain the answers to all your unasked questions.

So whether you didn’t ask about why your cat doesn’t meow after death, or how a car battery can best be used to hurt a person, come to this blog! It’s guaranteed to have at least one answer that will have you asking, “Who in their right mind would ever ask that question?”

Your out-of-touch-with-reality spokesman,

Cameron Campbell

 

P.S.  If you have a question for Cameron Campbell or the (real) author of this site, either about the past year or the upcoming year, send an email to camcampbellchat@gmail.com

If you want to follow Cameron Campbell on other social outlets, you can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Path. A Tumblr shall be coming soon, so stay tuned!

P.S.S.-A Note From The Author-Thank you so much for such a great year everyone! Its been really fun getting to vaguely know some of you and to share my brand of comedy with people who appear to understand what I am saying. It’s been a really fun experience creating all these wonderfully ridiculous stories for you all. I look forward to another year with you and hope that you all come back for what should be an exciting second year on this blog!

Celebrating 1,000 Views: That’s All You Got?

Internet junkies and people who trying Internet just this one time!  Today is a historic day for those of you who stop and pay attention to something truly astonishing.  This website, that I so graciously began so that you can read all my incoherent ramblings, has finally reached 1,000 views!  Seeing as I have only had 567 visitors to the site, doubling the views ain’t so bad!

But this is not enough people.  Have you not read the title of this website?  You Didn’t Ask, But I’ll Answer.  Just because you haven’t asked, does not mean you don’t deserve an answer.  People need to know what they don’t care about.  Just as I am not satisfied with this result, neither should you.

Tell more people about this site.  Shove it in their faces that they are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.  Tell them about that one time I called Saudi Arabia a BDSM nation.  Remember that?  I don’t, but as lovers of this site, you should!

So get out there on your different social media sites.  Go on Twitter and Facebook and Myspace (it still exists!?), go to message boards and comments boxes and Instagram, go all over the web to any place that you can find that allows to insert text then copy/paste this link to them right now!  Because no one should be left in the cold and alone without any idea that I am here to offer them a blanket that I know no longer use.  It has a big hole in it.  I didn’t have sewing equipment so I just give it away as is.

If everyone who visits this site tells others, and those people tell other people they know, then we might just hit 2,000 views by the end of next year.

Your broke and spiritless author,

Cameron Campbell

Halloween the Holiday!

Hello digital world!  Welcome to the day of witches and bitches!  I decided to play a bitch, so I dressed up like Hillary Clinton-boom!  But seriously, today is meant to be a day of fun and excitement for little children where they get to build fear-filled memories of daddy jumping from around the corner with a werewolf mask.  I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but if a zombie tries to bite me I will be arrested for assault.  So just like the 4th of July, I’m going to answer the questions that you haven’t asked about this most enjoyable of fake holidays.  Without further ado, let’s begin!

My white decided that he would dress up as a black guy who was shot by police and thought it would look better if he did black face.  Is that racist, or just a poor decision to show your political agenda?

Well that is a rather specific question, and I would like to point out that we need more questions like this that specify the problem quickly and efficiently so that answers can be found.  Without answers, then we are left in the dark with our questions.  That is a terrible idea during Halloween, as things hide in the darkness.  We need to protect our people from dark things that we cannot see, but know are there while they hide with their questions.

I didn’t really understand the question, so I answered as best I could.  I’m pretty sure black face is a spa term.

Was Halloween really an ancient tradition of the druids?

Halloween is a celebration for children.  Druids are World of Warcraft characters.  Silly fake person, treats are for kids!  Not the imaginary class of druids.

Was there ever a time when people weren’t allowed to wear costumes on Halloween?

Yes, there were.  We now refer to those times as the Dark Ages.  The span of time when there were no fun people in the world.  Not a single jokester or prankster in sight.  No one knows how the first funny person came to be the comedian to end the Dark Ages.  Some legends say that a secret organization bred children to be the perfect funny people deep underground and released them on the world when the time was right.  The name of this organization:  Fart.

When are people too old to trick or treat?

Just because you can’t get the treats doesn’t mean you can’t give out the tricks.  Just be careful of where you live.  For example, where I grew up, Old man Barnes put a sign on his lawn that said, “Beware, no trick or treating here.”  And next to the sign was Jason’s head on a spike.  He had rung the doorbell the year before I started trick or treating.

Now before you think I am being serious, I should tell you that I am being absolutely serious.  My town did not last long.  I ended up having to kill all the adults.  It was part of our Halloween tradition.  My town hasn’t been heard from since Halloween of 1760.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Your immortal ghoul speaker,

Cameron Campbell

Happy 6th of July

Welcome to July 6th!  The day when (maybe) the founding fathers signed (possibly) the Declaration of Independence.  Don’t believe me? Well fine!  Let’s just ask one of the founding fathers.  Someone get a Wiccan to summon Benjie, I really need to ask him about the latest 18th century fashion I could try.  If you’re uncomfortable with a Wiccan, thinking they could create a lying specter, then we can find a necromancer to bring John Hancock back.  We can get an answer to the question and a real John Hancock.

Some of you out there may have some questions about the founding fathers, so I have come today to answer some of the questions you haven’t asked.

1) Were the founding fathers vampires?

It was rumored that Samuel Adams may have been one, the supporting evidence being his love of violence.  However, he is not considered a founding father, so we are in the clear there.  It was also never mentioned that people have the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and a human’s jugular.  That is a good sign for me.

2) Did the founding fathers really write the founding documents knowing that in the future there would be arguments over what types of guns are protected by the second amendment rights?

Of course they knew machine guns would be invented!  In fact, in Ben Franklin’s secret notebook, he had a prototype drawing of one.  He just couldn’t figure out how to get enough fairy dust to fire the bullets.  And of course everyone at the time was arguing how they needed personal cannons.  What did they use to defend this claim?  Well there isn’t any record of people claiming they need personal cannons.  But believe me when I say that every household requires automatic weaponry and tanks!

3) How gay was Thomas Jefferson when he wrote the Declaration of Independence?

There are many arguments against this claim, but his leftist and liberal arguments say otherwise.  Only a gay man could argue that everyone has the right to life and liberty.  Pursuit of happiness?  A hidden gay agenda.  No proper Republican would give anyone the chance to live their life without adhering to some strict and absolute rules.  This is because Republicans are big, burly men.  And yes, some of our penises may be tiny, but we make it up by being very good at pleasing ourselves in bed.

4) I (you) always thought that Fourth of July was just a time to get great sales.

Does it have to be anything else?  That is exactly what that day was meant to be!  A day when we can exploit already cheap merchandise and low paid employees to stay inside on a celebratory holiday to serve our selfish needs for a blender at a quarter of the price.  Democracy!  Capitalism!  That’s my 50% off Dora the Explorer backpack!

5) Do I have to do something special during this ‘holiday’?

Well, not technically.  But if you don’t celebrate I’ll brand you a terrorist all over the Internet.  I would apologize but only terrorists don’t celebrate 4th (or 6th) of July.  That’s what the Internet says.  And it is full of truth.

Well, that’s all from me for this wonder of holidays.  See you in a few months when we celebrate another holiday about old farts writing stuff!

Your patriotic dumbass,

Cameron Campbell