Category Archives: Freedom of Speech

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

Advertisements

I Cannot Be Partisan, I am Liberal!

Nation of followers, I am more confused than when I was told that people have ideas that differ from my own. What? You mean not everyone thinks that Hitler had a decent shot of being an artist if the CIA had not pressured him to become a dictator? Look it up. It’s a fact I imagined. It’s probably already on Wikipedia.  Now something far worse plagues me and makes me question my existence as an extreme republican. And that is the existence of extreme democrats. I thought I was special and extreme! Specially extremely special! Occupy Democrats are forcing me to question myself. What is the point of being extreme if my opponents are going to copy me?

As it confuses me, it also enrages me. How dare they take my system of pure outrage and use it against me! Against us, my fellow demo-…republicans! Yelling things without proof is the system that we perfected. And Jeff the intern had sent in papers to copyright this technique.

Wait, he didn’t?  Are you sure?  Dammit Jeff!  You are going to get such a spanking when I am done here!

Well, if you know nothing about Occupy Democrats, let me tell you just a few key points.  If you don’t spend a lot of time being political on Facebook or are just a seriously creepy person who doesn’t socialize and get all of their news from Facebook (who does that!?), then you may have not seen threads like this appear all over dashboards everywhere:

I have to say, if it weren’t for the mention of Obama, I would not be sure of whether I was supposed to be in support of the image or the comment. Thank goodness people use names and labels! But if you look at what Occupy Democrats has done, it is clearly a direct hijacking of our republican bashing system. Just look at Bill O’Reilly and his attempt to portray Christianity as a philosophy and not a religion. It is this kind of insane, unintelligent, and completely one-sided arguments that we have spent years developing. Then we honed our skills, and trained the younglings; Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, pretty much all of Fox News, and many of the famous of the republican party. Some of them tried to form their own dojos, like Rand Paul.  He was a failure.

But when I heard about Governor Cuomo’s idea to shut down the government to force gun reform, I lost it. That was our idea first to force discussion about Planned Parenthood! And as I researched further, I found MSNBC and other liberal news sites pulling our republican tactics on us. What has the world come to when populace-view grabbing television techniques can be taken and used so easily! It’s like no one respects their senseis and the hard work we went through creating these martial arts for them…damn you, Ralph Macchio!

It took some time, but after shooting my gun into the sky and pointing it at random passersby, I calmed down enough to realize the beauty of this moment.  Like Saint Paul on the road to Damascus, I felt the sun start to give me sun burn and ran indoors as fast as I could.  Occupy Democrats may have taken our system, but they can be just as destructive to bipartisanship and open dialogue as we are.  In fact, no one can deter talks between two groups better than us extremists.

So keep posting your images that claim anyone who dislikes Obama is a traitor to this nation while claiming that we should lower the amount of people we have in our prisons.  We will keep screaming about the war on our religious holidays, that are really only part of our philosophy.  And maybe for a class project, we can trade extremes, try and fight from the opposite perspective.  Because it doesn’t matter what we are saying, so long as it has no basis in fact and blatantly attacks the other side! I want to see more of this, Occupy Democrats. So long as you have us focus on fighting you and your extreme ideas with our own extreme ideas, we will never have to talk to each other about real issues or worry about making real change.

Your Extreme brother-from-a-republican-mother,

Cameron Campbell

Want to read from other people about Occupy Democrats?  Click on the links below.

This one is rather well worded.

Manny Schewitz

This one is a little more angry, but he gets his point to the reader.

Click Here

Offensive to Whom?

My followers, you all know that I despise comedians, but I find comedy hilarious.  Louis CK is a deplorable human being who should be shot and dragged through the streets like Mussolini!  But his jokes about his children are fantastic.  I want to hear more of those jokes.  It’s a shame that Louis has to die though.  But this is for the good of us all, so please do not cry for his jokes when you see his broken body.  Instead pick up a rock and throw it at his face.  Because who could say such awful and hilarious things about their own children?  Today the Internet, in its great and powerful wisdom, gave me a new comedian to hate and love, and it wasn’t Donald Trump.

  • Her name: Nicole Arbour
  • age: older?
  • profession: comedian (I think?)
  • celebrity lookalike: Avril Lavigne

I was touring the web, attempting to ensure that there was at least one hater on every website, when suddenly a video began, telling me about how fat people need to keep calm and get thin.  Well, ‘keep calm’ is the latest fad, hers was more like,

…shame people with bad habits until they fucking stop-fat shaming. If we shame you hard enough that you lose weight, I’m okay with that.

Do you get the joke?  Can you see it?  Yes, of course you do!  But for those of you who are not as smart, let me spell it out.  Arbour is saying that if we say enough negative things to and about fat people, they will switch from happy-inducing sugar treats to a stick of celery and kale.  It is such a great joke, I nearly spit out my first bite of a twinkie.  I did spill my coke though.  That was sad.

I know I know this is meant to be humor, but I just couldn’t help thinking that her plan to hurt people with words just doesn’t go far enough.  Just look at what Japanese students are capable of doing to students who they view as stupid.  Yes, people here in the states bully the fat, but the students clearly do not go far enough!  We need to have rallies, maybe title the movement Touring Against Fat Twats, or TAFT.  On stage, we can bring a bunch of fat people and laugh at how they cannot do one push up.  Once we have them on the floor exhausted, we bring out professional wrestlers (but only the ones who use steroids) so that people understand what we want from our nation, just like our good friend Rick Scarborough.

Arbour shouldn’t be attacked for her video, she just wants to make sure people who are hurting themselves stop doing that.  I am only here to tell you that her suggestion, fat shaming, though strong, needs to do more.  We cannot rely only on words, we must break them physically and mentally.  Nothing must stop us from achieving our goals of molding the perfect form.  The übermensch will be a pitiful existence once we have reached the final stage of our plans.  Everyone, slowly roll out of your bed, lift your scrawny and pitifully weak arm to turn on your computer!  Now, if you think you have the strength, pull yourself up into your chair and-slowly, slowly-begin to type your shaming messages.  One by one, we will get all those fat people to our perfect level of health.  Just try and not sit up for too long, or your feeble back might break.

No wait, that wasn’t meant to be offensive, I was just concerned for your-

This page is not available.  Sorry about that.

Try searching for something else.

Your appropriately “fluffy” blob,

Cameron Campbell

Asian Persuasion Man

My nation of internet shut-ins, today our great Land in the Cloud was used for a heinous act.  As we all know, this place known as the Internet, the haven invented for us basement-dwelling folk, is filled only with love, honesty, and compassion for our fellow man. But there are those that attempt to ruin this perfect haven. Men like Michael Derrick Hudson who burden this locale with their lies and deception.

On September 9, 2015, an article was posted on The Blaze marking the destruction of our great sanctuary.  Unable to submit his poem “The Bees, the Flowers, Jesus, Ancient Tigers, Poseidon, Adam and Eve” under his name, Michael decided that he would try submitting it with a pen name: Yi-Fen Chou.  Surprisingly, people began to pay more attention to the poem!  I know, it sounds racist, but it is not, and here is why.  The title of the poem requires an Asian author.  If it was not Yi-Fen Chou, then other acceptable names would be Noodle Mein Foo, Chi Chong Pai, or Nonoyo Dam Business.

But Alyssa Wong opened my eyes with her self-chain self-discussion.  She feels,

“very, very strongly that Michael Derrick Hudson’s poem should be pulled from 2015 Best American Poetry bc it’s dishonest & racist.”

She is appropriately upset and for good reason!  Look what he has done.  Michael submitted a poem with Asian persuasion under a false name (like some kind of ninja).  And when he saw that people were more willing to accept the poem under his new name, he used a classic marketing maneuver: Repeating what works.  This is a clear misuse of the pure and honest marketing techniques that everyone recognizes and purports (pretty sure that means ‘portrays honestly’).  People never pretend to be of another race on any television show, in commercials, in movies, and especially not on the Internet.  So why should we allow this man to get away with it in literature?  No one has ever used a false name to publish novels, poetry, works of fiction, or any other writing form that uses recognized forms of communication.  Even the earliest caveman made sure to watermark his creation on the cave wall with his true initials.

What Michael has done is very not okay, in my eyes, and I feel strongly that something should be said only about him doing this.  Racial jokes by comedians or well-known actors is one thing, but a poet who attempts to deal with modern issues?  That is taking it too far.  No more ‘poetic license’ excuses!  No more, “it’s a statement about the state of publishing today.”  No more, “This says more about the editors reading the piece than my decision.”  We must end pen name-racism, because if we cannot be honest about who is writing the piece, how will we show our faces to Mrs. Silence Dogood, Erin Hunter, or the greatest of them all, Woody Allen?  All of these people are true to their word and true to their name.  And they never strayed from their birth-born title.

Your honest-to-lie storyteller,

Cameron Campbell

Additional reading:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/yifen-chou-white-author-uses-asian-pen-name-because-it-helps-him-get-published-more-often-10490578.html

She Ain’t Got No Alibi

A few weeks back a twitterer with the handle @mypoetryproject with his hashtag #badtimeforlyrics suggested that Taylor Swift knows nothing of love. This being based on the lyrics from her latest song, “blank space” and it’s catchy bridge, “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” Now I know you didn’t ask, but that is why I’m here to ensure that you do ask: how could @mypoetryproject know?

The joke from this hooligan was that Taylor hasn’t read fifty shades of grey, which is clever! And he is probably right, seeing as she probably doesn’t read! But he could not know this without insider information. Unlike myself, I happen to know she doesn’t read based on my own personal knowledge of Taylor and inference based on the horrific lyrics of her song. But he is a nobody, unlike myself, and therefore could not possibly know about her.

So to @mypoetryproject I say this: Leave Taylor alone. She is meant to be a tabloid scandal, not the end of some butt joke from an unknown Twitter account.

Your stalking admirer,
Cameron Campbell