If I have said it a million times, then I must have been drunk the whole night and spent it talking to a wall: Children are the gateway to an evil place. They change your friends. No longer are your friends free Friday after a hard week to waste away in a drug den before hitting up the clubs. Instead, they head home to uncontrolled crying and poo. Why that is better coming from your offspring than your best friend I will never know! When the biggest game of the season is only half done, he is the one that leaves after drinking only half a beer saying that he needs to relieve his wife of their kid and put it to bed after reading “Good Night, Moon”. Sure, I read that book when I was seventeen and it was easy to read thanks to the tiny words, but a three year old? He already understands its complex English grammar? I call witchery! Roll a d20 for attack order, cuz here I come!
And the truth of my claims only becomes more truey as a new story quickly brews then disappears in Texas of a nine-year old who claims to have the one ring that can turn his fellow students invisible. Now that is truly the greatest proof of witchcraft, just as Tom Cruise preaching Scientology proved the existence of aliens once and for all.
Now no one seems sure what the school was thinking since they refused to comment, but I think we can all agree that the poor teacher must have been terrified as her students giggled and sat down for class without disappearing. But she knew what they had planned, and it was sinister. So sinister that even Michael Jackson would have said, “Get away from me!”
I would never say that we should ban people from having children, but I would say that children as soon as they are born should be sent away to another land where they can practice their sinful magic upon each other and leave us adults alone! That’s all I got. Upset about my comments? Comment then! But I probably won’t listen. I answer your unasked questions, not the other way around!
Your two-time father,
As a nation we are now entering a state that i call the nanny phase-as in we feel the need to cuddle our children so much that they feel more powerful than the adults, especially the parents. This may be viewed as progressive theories reaching into our society and healing ailments such as physical beatdowns that some children are still forced to feel today. Internet nation, I’m here to tell you that this theory is full of the poo that my mother used to be kind enough to clean out of my diaper. Now that job falls on my secretary.
Nau we teech childrin its ohkai wen thingz r rong. We uhlau them tu du watevr thei pleez. That is knot ohkai. I dohnt waunt that from mi kidz.
Did you want a full argument? With complete sentences? And proper grammar? Well blame the children who raised me, also known as my teachers. Reeding and riting r tu huird! But we have spell check now so I can look as intelligent as I want no matter how bad my grammar may be.
Now the purpose is to show you how terrible children can be. My childhood is just one example. Many, if not all (but definitely all children), have it out for the parents, as shown by the toys thrown about randomly on the floor, or the bomb placed under my mother’s bed that still hasn’t exploded. Yet that is not all of their agenda. And if I could share with you their plans then it would have been posted the very first day I began sharing with you the opinion you never wanted. But my lips are sealed. I made a pinky promise and I don’t want to know what happens if you break those. If the president of the free world is okay with water torture, what do you think they would do with me, who broke a greater law than terrorists?
Rather than imagine, I would rather not risk the punishment of sharing super secret secrets from my childhood that were made in my basement’s couch fort. You want answers as to how to solve the problem? Well, too bad. I guess you’ll just have to wait until the children do what they do. Just remember to clean up afterwards.
Your unfaithful man-child,
Cameron is angry! And for once it isn’t because my fantasy football team was rearranged by my English girlfriend. Someone needs to tell her that Beckham plays soccer and not football! No, this time I am upset because apparently pop culture is now forcing me to accept kiddie porn as ‘natural’. In Sia’s new music video, she displays the bodies of Maddie Ziegler and Shia LaBeouf in near-nudity fighting each other within a cage. A cage, as we all know, is a symbol of capture that has been frequently used in films to misrepresent how we contain our criminals. They are not in a cage, but in cells that have bars and no clear form of escape, which is nothing like a cage. A cage is what we call the basement of sickos who only want to have sex in completely unnatural ways (remember my talk about S&M and Saudi Arabia? Like them!). People have complained that the video promotes pedophilia, and frankly I must agree, but it is not just the video, it is also the lyrics.
Just listen to this, “And another one bites the dust/Oh why can I not conquer love?” That sounds like a confession from Sia, not only of the children she keeps in her basement, but also of murder. But this conspiracy of artists singing their sins has been around for a long time. Remember the song “Another one bites the dust” by Queen? It is filled with the multiple methods that Queen ruined the lives of dozens of people, yet they only name one. Steve, with his hat, and machine guns (No gun control in the 80’s?). The truly sick fact about Sia’s song is that she never gives us a number to her victims. How many children has she touched? Are the dancers complicit in her illegal activities? And where was Shia LaBeouf all this time? Was he trapped in the basement too?
And who knows, perhaps this is only the tip of the iceberg of her crimes. “You got me pushing imaginary buttons/step away from me lover” could be a confession of public nudity and sex. “On a night like this/get out of misery” possible drug use? I’m thinking meth. And this is only one artist! We haven’t even begun to discuss Maroon 5’s multiple counts of stalking and possible kidnapping charges in “Animals”. We mustn’t let these artists think that we are fooled by the claim that these videos are “full of artistic meaning”. Because all of us who cannot stop seeing sex in everything we view know that sex is definitely involved, even after being told it is not about sex. Why is that? Not because we are obsessed. It is because everything we see reminds us of sex. As Sigmund Freud once said, “I need unt miss sex!” Because there is no one in the world who is more trustworthy than a quack like Dr. Freud
Your local sex offender,