I mean the answer is pretty clear, but since I am all about the suspense I’ll wait. You can’t wait? It’s the Jews! According to my very racist grandmama. It’s not really the Jews. At least not this time. I checked with the skinheads in my area and even they don’t believe that. Although I did learn how responsible Mexicans are for ruining my life. But if racist profiling can’t answer this question, then who is responsible? Follow me, Cameron Campbell, into a world of pure fantasy and bullshit!
This story will begin at where we are now because we, as a society, cannot remember anything for more than a week. Retaining information is just so tiring, you know? The only reason I “remember” my mom’s birthday is because of Facebook. And the only reason I “remember” Facebook exists is because it constantly sends updates to my phone. Never bring me to trivia night. I will forget why the Civil War happened so fast my answer will be, “Because Captain America has the hots for the winter soldier and is unwilling to accept his stable relationship with Iron Man.” That’s the most recent and the most relevant Civil War in our history. I cannot help but wonder what will happen to our society if we are forced to choose sides between heroes.
But none of that matters now! That’s all in the past. This story is not about the past. It doesn’t even have a past because it is that fricking new. We begin with now when House Republicans and the White House released a memo put together by Devin Nunes. Who is Devin Nunes? Who knows! This is about the memo he wrote and has nothing to do with the man. The four-page document was released on February 2, 2018 so the public could see exactly what is meant by “government conspiracy against Trump.” According to boy wonder all grown up Paul Ryan, the release of this memo has nothing to do with the Russian FBI probe.
Ryan said it all folks, it has nothing to do with the DOJ or FBI, so we can rel-OH SHIT NO WAIT IT IS ACTUALLY TOTAL PROOF OF EVERYTHING.
This memo totally vindicates “Trump” in probe. But the Russian Witch Hunt goes on and on. Their was no Collusion and there was no Obstruction (the word now used because, after one year of looking endlessly and finding NOTHING, collusion is dead). This is an American disgrace!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 3, 2018
The orangutan dressed like a person is right! This memo absolutely vindicates “Trump” (whatever the hell “Trump” means in monkey-speak). All this memo does is raise questions about the ethics of the FISA court’s ruling and whether its powers were abused by an entire branch of the government for political gain with no evidence to sustain an argument. But since the evidence to prove the memo is inaccurate is currently classified, it is a victory for the White House!
Ryan has said that releasing this memo is not to try and impugn the FBI or the DOJ and we all know how trustworthy he can be. Not once has his position on Trump ever changed.
So I will rest easy tonight believing that Trump will try to fire the heads of the FBI and DOJ (which he totally has the right to do btdubbs) and Ryan will stop him based on his morals, belief in the separations of power, and the Constitution. But this is a future story and the chance of us becoming Russia is still possible.
What is the origin of this memo? I’m sure one of you noble Americanites is wondering about the hero behind this historic memo. Well fine if you want a backstory! You might be a noble Americanite, but your need for comic book-style origin stories is frustrating.
Devin Nunes decided to get into politics at the young age of 29 and studied under some of the greatest future Trump defenders like Kevin McCarthy and Paul Ryan. When he was elected to his seat he was considered a moderate. He even called the Tea Party’s plan to implement a government shutdown like “lemmings with suicide vests.” Which makes sense when you think about it. Lemmings can’t put on enough TNT to do proper damage to anything. Sure, all they need to do is group together and blow up all at once thus taking away your legs. But I’m sure none of them are smart enough to come up with that idea.
So Trump becomes president and everything seems all right for about the first two weeks, until it is “leaked” that the election team may have had interactions with the Russians to influence the elections. Well, clearly they had no contact with anyone from Russia.
Nunes became scared for the populist leader he had sworn allegiance and he ran over to the White House to ask if there was anything he could do. This is where he was given the idea of a memo. He took the information given to him by White House officials, ran it over to Congress to give a press release, and then ran it back to the White House so the president could see his good work. Nunes was reprimanded by his own committee members and Republicans of the House for not following protocol and was placed under review.
Is the source of his information questionable since it came from the White House? Not according to Lamar Smith! The president is the ONLY reliable source for information about him and what he has accomplished. After all, he picks up the phone when his children call and that says a lot about his nuclear policy.
Ah yes, we always trust only the source of the issue. It’s why we all get to look forward to Harvey Weinstein’s next movie epic starring Bill Cosby and the corpse of Roger Ailes. So now we know! The only reliable source of information is Trump, thanks to the fact that he is president and nothing else. It feels so good to be able to put my faith into one thing, one PERSON, and never have to worry about thinking for myself again. Please join me in praying to the Almighty President who will return us to the Promised Land that we invented for ourselves. So don’t worry about the Russian Probe! According to Trump, it’s dead in the water. Worried that you won’t have a job? Just take one of those sweet coal mining positions in another state Trump has kept open for you! And he never had a woman pee on him. Wait, he never explicitly denied that?
Well what about Hillary and her emails!? Benghazi!? Her husband!?
Yeah, that ought to distract long enough to forget about Trump and a potential piss tape.
Your Fact-Fighting Champion,
Hello Internet! My goodness, it has been a year since I have given you the honor of my presence. Cameron Campbell is back! That’s right, like my role model Donald Trump, I spent more time on vacation than working. We can do that because people just love us. I mean, if I chose to shoot someone on the street my fans would stick by me no matter what.
Whoo! So there is a lot to process over the past 12-13 months. The one certainty is this: remember those whiny safe-space liberals who were poised to raise Crooked Hillary into office? Well now there are no safe spaces and everyone is saying Merry Christmas again! I mean, no one was stopping anyone from saying it, but now we can say it with meaning! Not like I wasn’t saying it before, but NOW it reminds me of the little baby Jesus surrounded by the three wise men Big Oil, Clean Coal, and the Trump Foundation and the soon-to-be war against fake news about Mary’s lineage. She is pure American and there is an ample lack of evidence about that!
You might be asking why yourself, “Why has Cameron waited so long to discuss his favorite president that will ever be?” Well first off stop being nosy into my business. The only individuals’ privacies we are allowed to invade must meet the following criteria: famous and acting suspicious/avoiding paparazzi cameras. They want you to think they are avoiding the cameras to try and be regular people. It’s a conspiracy and no restraining order will stop me from learning what Meryl Streep is hiding!
I had to wait a year. Trump was already doing so much for the country BEFORE winning, but how best to study a man’s achievements except by waiting for at least one real one? There have been so many victories that I barely know where to begin. Did I mention being able to say Christmas again?
Oh, there was the firings of sissy leaders like Sally Yates and James Comey who were “concerned about our national security.” Thanks a lot “experts” but Trump already has a plan to handle Putin so calm your libtard brains. Besides they are best friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Except if Hillary is doing it. Remember, Hillary friends with Putin=bad for country. Trump friends with Putin=good for country.
Trump has also become the first president to have the most personnel changes in his first year in office. 34% of his staff have either been fired or moved to another post. This has left some important positions open and work unattended. This is a brilliant tactical move. Think about it! The best way to show we don’t need a department is to show how it fails to accomplish its goal. By not appointing someone to the leadership position, the department is guaranteed to be a failure. We can do this with everything that is not Congress or the White House and create the Department of Everything Government run by Jared Kushner.
The greatest victory was showing the government’s complete lack of ability to accomplish anything. Now that Trump is in the White House and the Republicans control both houses of Congress we see just how incompetent those in power can be. They completely fail to pass laws with a majority and it’s all because of the Democrats. It might be counter-intuitive to blame those who do not have control but here is why we can blame Democrats. Democrats were in power and are now the minority in both houses. If they really wanted power, then they would have continued winning. The oppressed Republicans have become the oppressors and Democrats are too weak to get back up. So what do they do? Mind control. Confusing good ol’ America-loving Republicans with their sweet smelling pastries. I will not buy those delicious muffins if my money is going to help non-working orphans!
The recent government shutdown is the final proof of Trump’s theory. The government had a weekend getaway when Republicans and Democrats sent an agreement about DACA to Trump and he turned it down. It took them time, but they finally came to an agreement that will keep the government running for the next two weeks! Now each side is trying to determine who takes the blame. Back in 2013, Trump posited a theory that the man at the top is the one to blame for a situation going awry. This is why he needed to win the presidential election—to prove his point. It is always the president’s fault! And that is why he took the high ground, put on his big boy pants, and blamed the Democrats. Like any good leader should, split the voters and cause a partisan war.
I could not be happier with this presidency. He has done everything right, from his son who publicly stated he was contacted by a foreign power about sensitive information on their political opponent to labeling Jerusalem as the new location of the US Embassy against literally everyone’s recommendations. His presidency has been nothing but one success after another and I cannot see why people are upset with him. The harmful effect he has had on the political conversation in this country will plague us for years to come. Suck it Germany, we are the first superpower this century to have an actively destructive leader!
Your estranged aunt’s Facebook feed,
Warning: I am about to mix religion and politics. In the biblical story of Barabbas, the religious leaders of Roman-occupied Israel have brought Jesus to be crucified. Pilate, seeing that Jesus has committed no crimes, offers the crowd a choice of which prisoner to release: Jesus, or the prisoner Barabbas, an insurrectionist. The religious leaders […]
Evolutionary psychologists argue that the human brain evolved as an entertainment device for male hominids competing to impress females. Charlotte Allen, The New Dating Game, The Weekly Standard Me and my buddies Ug and Nutz were hangin’ around, taking a break from hunting and gathering. Ug seemed kinda down in the dumps […]