Evolutionary psychologists argue that the human brain evolved as an entertainment device for male hominids competing to impress females. Charlotte Allen, The New Dating Game, The Weekly Standard Me and my buddies Ug and Nutz were hangin’ around, taking a break from hunting and gathering. Ug seemed kinda down in the dumps […]
It’s getting to be that time again. Evergreen trees, red bulbs, and nonstop “Santa Baby” repeats on the radio. Yes folks, it’s about to be Christmas time. Or as these liberals would want us to call it, “the Holiday Season.” Ugh. Fox News, particularly the principled Sean Hannity and the always right Bill O’Reilly, has […]
I like to spend time each evening reading pieces that make me think. Since someone stole my People magazine (You know who you are! Don’t even!), I was at a loss as to what to do. I could have borrowed a book, I suppose, but Goodnight, Moon frustrates me, and the politics in Peter Rabbit […]
As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!
And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”
I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.
After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.
So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.
After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”
This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.
My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.
There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.
Your caffeine/corporate slave,
Cameron Campbell is back! And this time it’s personal.
Well, as personal as it can get during a national election. Grandpas around this nation are attempting to choose between the Great Pumpkin and Carmen Sandiego. Carmen would be awesome as the first female president, forcing her husband to wear the collar of shame as first bitch. Some people can’t stop thinking about how crooked she is, which makes for a great alliteration. Crooked Carmen. People might mistake her for the opera character but either works!
On the other side of the aisle we have the Great Pumpkin, who has promised to rule the patch like no one before him and fix the problems bigly. Oh, and the wall-important, important that we have-look, they can come when we control-borders, it’s all about borders because China-and what a great country-we are getting rammed no matter where we go. I have to say, that fake quote of real snippets really touches my…well, not my heart. I traded it to Dick Cheney for a rare Pokemon card back in the 90’s. Worth it? I think so.
I know what you want to ask me, “Cameron—,” please, my friends call me Cam. So you say, “Cam—,” you don’t know me like that! You’re wondering who to choose between these two amazing candidates. I’m serious, why are you laughing Jeff? If you don’t recall, Jeff is the imaginary intern I hired to scratch my feet while I’m sleeping. I don’t pay him but he does get school credit and that’s equivalent to being paid. Swear to my ego Jeff, if you keep laughing you will be licking my feet clean for half the credits I offered! Nothing worse than being unable to find good, imaginary help.
I understand your plight America. Even a perfect being such as myself has moments where I must make difficult choices. Like when the cashier asks, “Do you want to supersize your meal?” Gah I don’t want to be fat but that sounds amazing! Carmen would be perfect since we know she is capable of stealing large amounts of valuables, even while the police watch her escape through a window. No, I almost had her! Time to go chasing her around the world again.
The downside is she might also steal for herself. Not that I can’t respect that. But she has been promising to steal only for the good of the nation. If she breaks her promise, I don’t know if the hole where my heart used to be can take it.
The Great Pumpkin is a fantastic choice—if you’re a pumpkin head. Outside of that, there is so much discussion of his personality that it is a little difficult to see where he stands on the issues. It becomes harder when he spends his own time to talk about how amazing he is. Though I am relieved there is nothing wrong with his downstairs area. If you don’t know where I mean, just think of where he meant when he mentioned Megan Kelly’s “Wherevers”. You are correct! It’s her belly button.
What was that Jeff? I couldn’t here you through my toes in your mouth. Ah, yes I almost forgot. Some fellow Americans might say, “But Cameron, there are still third-party candidates.” Stop. Just stop it. Have you seen those candidates? They know little to nothing about how to run a country. If you’re willing to put them into office, then you might as well vote me president. I would be just as effective.
America, I would like to suggest my name, Cameron Campbell, as your final and best choice for president of these United States. If you can’t choose between the two major candidates, just choose Cameron Campbell. I promise to fight for your right to be slutty versions of any one or thing you can imagine. I pledge to uphold the spy tips introduced by Senator Michael Westen. I vow to pass new legislation allowing citizens to sue suicidal squirrels within the first 100 days of my presidency. Someone really needs to stop them from jumping in front of cars.
It’s too late for me to throw my hat in the ring? That’s perfect! I’ve proven myself just as competent as third parties and introduced legislation just as helpful as a real candidate. Vote me, America. You will most certainly regret it.
Your indecisive friend who will decide once inside the booth,