A Word from the Author

Dear Followers and Readers of this blog,

First, I would like to thank you for visiting, reading, and sometimes leaving little notes on these pieces.  I know there aren’t many of you, but it is a great pleasure to know that there is anyone out there listening to my insane rants in the form of a person who I fear may exist in the world outside.  Even though I don’t like Cameron Campbell, I have grown attached to him in the year that I have worked to make him into a voice worth reading to ignore.  Which is what makes this post so difficult.

With the new year, I had decided to set up a schedule of posts that would appear in an orderly fashion.  It seemed appropriate since most people I saw on WordPress were doing that.  I thought at first it was just because they were anal-retentive (as our friend Freud would describe them).  Then I realized how efficient that was!  I was looking forward to what I would do with two posts every week, thinking about all the insane stories that would be appearing in the upcoming year.

Sadly, I will not be able to start the year in the way I had anticipated.  Life circumstances have gotten in the way and are sapping away all the extra time I could have used to support this blog.  I am uncertain as to when I will be able to return, but I promise you that I will come back.  If you cannot wait and feel the need to read another blog, I understand.  I only ask that you don’t tell me about your discretion when you come back.

Thank you for these past few months.  You, the readers and followers, have helped me in ways you cannot imagine.  If it weren’t for you I would have given up on this project a long time ago.  I am glad I didn’t.  I hope to come back soon.  Farewell until then.

“Never stop looking for answers to questions you never asked.  Those answers might be the answers you never wanted.” —Cameron Campbell

Your simple author,

Andrew Cinko

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Sunday Review: The 2nd Amendment

Gun control, the only phrase that can truly create fear in Yosemite Sam.  It is also a famous stop for Republican candidates, who appear to believe that gun control is like cancer: once you get it, it will kill you.  This is a slight misconstruing of the facts since gun control is not contractable through DNA or poor life choices.  Some people may even argue that it is a good life choice.  But that is just a foolish notion, as some Republicans continue to argue in defense of the good ol’ 2nd Amendment.

For a little fun, let us keep in mind when the 2nd Amendment was written.  The year, 1780’s or something like that.  The Americans have just defeated the British, proving that they are better in the second half of a match.  The founding coaches want people to have a certain amount of autonomy in the team, in case another Emperor attempts to take over the entire galaxy.  This is a time when no organized army exists, everyone and their grandmother has a gun, and the guns are single shot semi-accurate rifles.  Compared to today where you can fire a few hundred rounds in seconds.

Obama made a few comments about his plan to try and control flagrant misuse of guns through new gun control laws.  Whether these are more helpful or not in the long run in stopping gun violence is unknown.  One thing is certain: doing nothing cannot make the situation better.  Luckily, Republicans are willing to argue that doing nothing is the right thing to do.  Marco Rubio claimed during the last debate that Obama has been planning to take all the guns and would do it, if not for the 2nd Amendment.  And as we all know, no one has ever found a way around the Constitution.

I would include a video of Republicans denouncing any gun control, but it is a rather easy search on Google or YouTube.  It’s funny at first.  Then it gets a little sad when you realize they are serious.  Funny again when they say something insane.  Then scary when they offer no real alternative to gun control laws.

Back in ’96, Australia had a terrible mass shooting.  Soon after, they implemented strict gun regulation that significantly reduced gun-related deaths and have not had a mass shooting since that year.  Compare to the United States now where mass shootings may become so normal that abominable snowman Wolf Blitzer might stop covering those stories in his situation room.

This is not to say that we need to do exactly what Australia did.  People have a different relationships with guns here.  It is not that no one is trustworthy.  Things will go wrong at times.  People will still die by gun wounds, whether self-inflicted, by accident, or on purpose.  But by changing the laws, by attempting to do something, we might be able to bring those numbers down.  I cannot say whether the gun plans of Democratic candidates or the president himself will make any impact on gun-related crime.  That takes time to see results.  But I know that what they have suggested is more than what Marco Rubio has said on his site.

Telling the gun freaks that you will not be taking away their brides is great.  Defending the Constitution is also great.  And making sure that, in a little and insignificant way, people feel safe with their weapons is also great.  But when you see a problem, recognize there is a problem, then proceed to ignore and even deter any attempts to deal with the problem, you are no longer a hero.  You’re an enabler of fear, of misunderstanding, and misunderstanding the notion of what it means ‘to protect and uphold the Constitution’.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

The ideas encompassed in this preamble are the ones that are in jeopardy when we allow people to sway us with emotional arguments that have no basis in fact or even sense.  Republicans and Democrats both do this.  Please, don’t listen to any of them.  They are not working for us.  They are working for our alien overlords who have promised to return in the year 2016.  It is clearly written on the walls of the Pyramids.  I’ve seen pictures, and the alien trapped within my body told me what the symbols mean.  Remember this well, my human brothers.  Use your 2nd Amendment right to shoot your way through anyone who tries to stop you from shooting your gun at potential aliens.  They are also aliens and they want to see you without a gun.

Your duo spirited speaker,

Cameron Campbell (Possessed by Andrew Cinko the Alien)

Questions For The New Year

Dear Sheep,

A shepherd is here to lead you into the new year! Now I know with a new year comes the ‘same old same old’, but that won’t be true for 2016. This is the year that we should think bigger, imagine harder, and use more Viagra to get harder and longer-lasting hard-ons! I feel that I lost track of what I was discussing, but to be clear, I do not have a problem. It was a long day and I was tired.

So, to try and help you get started for this exciting and young year, I decided that instead of giving you the answers, I thought I would offer you some questions. Warning: these questions should not be posed to a particular group of people. I can’t mention them directly since I’m their bitch, but you have been warned. Don’t go near THEM.

Pending anymore interruptions from the reptilians…No, I only said it because Jeff said it-oh good, they took Jeff. Anyway, on with the questions!

When is a good time to ask your doctor about getting the new and exciting miracle cure?

Answer: A man doesn’t ask, he takes.

(I couldn’t resist giving an answer. Sue me. But know that I have some very good imagination lawyers. Then can do high multiplication.)

When will people remember what matters and work towards a future that will make things better for all?

Correction: Why should I make things better for all, if I can make things better for me? Eventually my “wellness” will trickle down into society. Think about it.

When is the best time to have sex with a girl: after kidnapping her or in the middle of a mash pit?

Answer: You should have a blow-up doll waiting at home.

Do you know the muffin man?

Correction: Do you know about the muffin man’s cocaine addiction?

Will there be another Justin Bieber album?

Answer: It’s 2016, right? Get over it.

I would apologize for the answers to some of these questions, but you came here for answers first. Please don’t stick to my answers if you don’t like them. Feel free to find your own.  But beware, if they are not correct, you will be put on a humiliation display that will rival the whore shaming shackles of old! So go out and be free my sheep, until I send my dogs to recollect you and put you back in your pen.

Your master who is servant to another master,

Cameron Campbell

2015 Review: 2016 Style

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My dear followers,

This may be the most exciting thing that you read about the year that we know as 2015. Now as I know some of you can get distracted by all the pretty colors and lights in the background, I will attempt to give you a quick explanation about the page.

It starts by talking about how my page is like a San Francisco Tram. I think they mean that I can take you around the city and smell like a port a potty in the summer heat all year round. Not sure why that is appealing, but there must be a few smell fetishists who read this website. All across the board, the most popular post this year was What Brand Race Are You? It had the most views. This isn’t a surprise since most people don’t know they are of a race. I’m a Syfy and proud of it!

Though many of you have been diligent and pay attention to this wonderful page, others have not been tuning in to hear the answers to questions they haven’t asked. I know you read other blogs, watched television shows, and the occasional porno for business purposes. We all make mistakes. I understand that. I have a young intern who makes mistakes all the time (I don’t personally make mistakes, I’m perfect). But those are all in the past now. Those were the mistakes of 2015. I’m sure in 2016, you will all do the right thing and come to this blog. It does, after all, contain the answers to all your unasked questions.

So whether you didn’t ask about why your cat doesn’t meow after death, or how a car battery can best be used to hurt a person, come to this blog! It’s guaranteed to have at least one answer that will have you asking, “Who in their right mind would ever ask that question?”

Your out-of-touch-with-reality spokesman,

Cameron Campbell

 

P.S.  If you have a question for Cameron Campbell or the (real) author of this site, either about the past year or the upcoming year, send an email to camcampbellchat@gmail.com

If you want to follow Cameron Campbell on other social outlets, you can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Path. A Tumblr shall be coming soon, so stay tuned!

P.S.S.-A Note From The Author-Thank you so much for such a great year everyone! Its been really fun getting to vaguely know some of you and to share my brand of comedy with people who appear to understand what I am saying. It’s been a really fun experience creating all these wonderfully ridiculous stories for you all. I look forward to another year with you and hope that you all come back for what should be an exciting second year on this blog!