I Am Aware of Breasts

Fellow shut-ins, I was surprised by a piece of information today, and I felt I needed to share it with you.  You know those things between your neck and your stomach that droop down from your chest?  Apparently women have them too!  And they aren’t called chesticles, they are breasts.  Or as doctors know them, boobs.  Boobs can come in all different shapes and sizes, as well as a fine choice of real, fake, or supported.  It’s amazing what you can find on the internet when you search the word ‘boob’ (try it for yourself, but this one was my favorite).

On top of this knowledge, another boob bomb was laid at my feet: boobs can get cancer.  Learn more here at WebMd.  If everything on the internet is true, then everyone needs to read this website right now.  Everything gives you cancer, and I am not referring to the song.  I mean everything is a source of cancer!  Or it’s a common cold.  One or the other.  Talk to your local browser to make sure.

But people who began the breast cancer awareness are upset.  Said by one Cindy Pearson, The pinkification of the month of October, from football cleats to coffee cups, isn’t helping women. And how correct she might be!  But if it weren’t for someone saying to me ‘happy breast cancer awareness month,’ I would have never known that October was breast cancer awareness month.  I would be walking around like a fool thinking October was the birthday month of multiple important Americans of the past or the month when War of the Worlds was broadcasted on the radio.  Foolish me, thinking about something other than breasts!

Cindy has a point, making a few items pink won’t be enough to help remind women that they have cancer.  And it definitely won’t be enough for people who want to show that they can afford a pink bow to show awareness.  We are going to have to make everything that we sell pink.  Make pink tampons, and pink contacts.  We must be able to look at everyone around us and see that they are supporting people with cancer by reminding them that they have cancer!

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently I misunderstood their message.  Cindy, like other people, are upset that everything is being ‘pinkified’ for awareness.  What they want isn’t awareness.  They want research into finding a cure for breast cancer, and what a noble fight!  Searching for a way to save people and their breasts using 21st century technology-

I’m sorry?  They are?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently people have already started research on cancer, breast-related or otherwise, a long time ago.  They view it as a killer, but they don’t have enough funding due to some funders putting their money into movements like ‘breast cancer awareness’.  Well I say good riddance!  How are we supposed to find a cure for any cancer if no one knows that cancer exists?  We need more awareness movements so that people know cancer can appear-

I’m sorry?  They did?  Oh.  Sorry everyone.  Apparently they have already found out that cancer can appear in almost any part of the body.  No one has found dick cancer as far as I know, but who knows what the future will hold!  Maybe, in our lifetimes, there will be a day when men begin getting dick cancer.  We can make September ‘dick cancer awareness’ month and sport our blue speedos with pride to let people know that we know about cancer, and we know it appears in dicks, and we are willing to pay for the merchandise to show our support.

What was that, Jim?  Give our money straight to the researchers instead of these ‘awareness’ groups?  I don’t know what you’re on Jim, but I would love to take a hit of it.

Your supportive-to-a-point spokesman,

Cameron Campbell


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