Offensive to Whom?

My followers, you all know that I despise comedians, but I find comedy hilarious.  Louis CK is a deplorable human being who should be shot and dragged through the streets like Mussolini!  But his jokes about his children are fantastic.  I want to hear more of those jokes.  It’s a shame that Louis has to die though.  But this is for the good of us all, so please do not cry for his jokes when you see his broken body.  Instead pick up a rock and throw it at his face.  Because who could say such awful and hilarious things about their own children?  Today the Internet, in its great and powerful wisdom, gave me a new comedian to hate and love, and it wasn’t Donald Trump.

  • Her name: Nicole Arbour
  • age: older?
  • profession: comedian (I think?)
  • celebrity lookalike: Avril Lavigne

I was touring the web, attempting to ensure that there was at least one hater on every website, when suddenly a video began, telling me about how fat people need to keep calm and get thin.  Well, ‘keep calm’ is the latest fad, hers was more like,

…shame people with bad habits until they fucking stop-fat shaming. If we shame you hard enough that you lose weight, I’m okay with that.

Do you get the joke?  Can you see it?  Yes, of course you do!  But for those of you who are not as smart, let me spell it out.  Arbour is saying that if we say enough negative things to and about fat people, they will switch from happy-inducing sugar treats to a stick of celery and kale.  It is such a great joke, I nearly spit out my first bite of a twinkie.  I did spill my coke though.  That was sad.

I know I know this is meant to be humor, but I just couldn’t help thinking that her plan to hurt people with words just doesn’t go far enough.  Just look at what Japanese students are capable of doing to students who they view as stupid.  Yes, people here in the states bully the fat, but the students clearly do not go far enough!  We need to have rallies, maybe title the movement Touring Against Fat Twats, or TAFT.  On stage, we can bring a bunch of fat people and laugh at how they cannot do one push up.  Once we have them on the floor exhausted, we bring out professional wrestlers (but only the ones who use steroids) so that people understand what we want from our nation, just like our good friend Rick Scarborough.

Arbour shouldn’t be attacked for her video, she just wants to make sure people who are hurting themselves stop doing that.  I am only here to tell you that her suggestion, fat shaming, though strong, needs to do more.  We cannot rely only on words, we must break them physically and mentally.  Nothing must stop us from achieving our goals of molding the perfect form.  The übermensch will be a pitiful existence once we have reached the final stage of our plans.  Everyone, slowly roll out of your bed, lift your scrawny and pitifully weak arm to turn on your computer!  Now, if you think you have the strength, pull yourself up into your chair and-slowly, slowly-begin to type your shaming messages.  One by one, we will get all those fat people to our perfect level of health.  Just try and not sit up for too long, or your feeble back might break.

No wait, that wasn’t meant to be offensive, I was just concerned for your-

This page is not available.  Sorry about that.

Try searching for something else.

Your appropriately “fluffy” blob,

Cameron Campbell

Advertisements

Asian Persuasion Man

My nation of internet shut-ins, today our great Land in the Cloud was used for a heinous act.  As we all know, this place known as the Internet, the haven invented for us basement-dwelling folk, is filled only with love, honesty, and compassion for our fellow man. But there are those that attempt to ruin this perfect haven. Men like Michael Derrick Hudson who burden this locale with their lies and deception.

On September 9, 2015, an article was posted on The Blaze marking the destruction of our great sanctuary.  Unable to submit his poem “The Bees, the Flowers, Jesus, Ancient Tigers, Poseidon, Adam and Eve” under his name, Michael decided that he would try submitting it with a pen name: Yi-Fen Chou.  Surprisingly, people began to pay more attention to the poem!  I know, it sounds racist, but it is not, and here is why.  The title of the poem requires an Asian author.  If it was not Yi-Fen Chou, then other acceptable names would be Noodle Mein Foo, Chi Chong Pai, or Nonoyo Dam Business.

But Alyssa Wong opened my eyes with her self-chain self-discussion.  She feels,

“very, very strongly that Michael Derrick Hudson’s poem should be pulled from 2015 Best American Poetry bc it’s dishonest & racist.”

She is appropriately upset and for good reason!  Look what he has done.  Michael submitted a poem with Asian persuasion under a false name (like some kind of ninja).  And when he saw that people were more willing to accept the poem under his new name, he used a classic marketing maneuver: Repeating what works.  This is a clear misuse of the pure and honest marketing techniques that everyone recognizes and purports (pretty sure that means ‘portrays honestly’).  People never pretend to be of another race on any television show, in commercials, in movies, and especially not on the Internet.  So why should we allow this man to get away with it in literature?  No one has ever used a false name to publish novels, poetry, works of fiction, or any other writing form that uses recognized forms of communication.  Even the earliest caveman made sure to watermark his creation on the cave wall with his true initials.

What Michael has done is very not okay, in my eyes, and I feel strongly that something should be said only about him doing this.  Racial jokes by comedians or well-known actors is one thing, but a poet who attempts to deal with modern issues?  That is taking it too far.  No more ‘poetic license’ excuses!  No more, “it’s a statement about the state of publishing today.”  No more, “This says more about the editors reading the piece than my decision.”  We must end pen name-racism, because if we cannot be honest about who is writing the piece, how will we show our faces to Mrs. Silence Dogood, Erin Hunter, or the greatest of them all, Woody Allen?  All of these people are true to their word and true to their name.  And they never strayed from their birth-born title.

Your honest-to-lie storyteller,

Cameron Campbell

Additional reading:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/yifen-chou-white-author-uses-asian-pen-name-because-it-helps-him-get-published-more-often-10490578.html