Welcome to July 6th! The day when (maybe) the founding fathers signed (possibly) the Declaration of Independence. Don’t believe me? Well fine! Let’s just ask one of the founding fathers. Someone get a Wiccan to summon Benjie, I really need to ask him about the latest 18th century fashion I could try. If you’re uncomfortable with a Wiccan, thinking they could create a lying specter, then we can find a necromancer to bring John Hancock back. We can get an answer to the question and a real John Hancock.
Some of you out there may have some questions about the founding fathers, so I have come today to answer some of the questions you haven’t asked.
1) Were the founding fathers vampires?
It was rumored that Samuel Adams may have been one, the supporting evidence being his love of violence. However, he is not considered a founding father, so we are in the clear there. It was also never mentioned that people have the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and a human’s jugular. That is a good sign for me.
2) Did the founding fathers really write the founding documents knowing that in the future there would be arguments over what types of guns are protected by the second amendment rights?
Of course they knew machine guns would be invented! In fact, in Ben Franklin’s secret notebook, he had a prototype drawing of one. He just couldn’t figure out how to get enough fairy dust to fire the bullets. And of course everyone at the time was arguing how they needed personal cannons. What did they use to defend this claim? Well there isn’t any record of people claiming they need personal cannons. But believe me when I say that every household requires automatic weaponry and tanks!
3) How gay was Thomas Jefferson when he wrote the Declaration of Independence?
There are many arguments against this claim, but his leftist and liberal arguments say otherwise. Only a gay man could argue that everyone has the right to life and liberty. Pursuit of happiness? A hidden gay agenda. No proper Republican would give anyone the chance to live their life without adhering to some strict and absolute rules. This is because Republicans are big, burly men. And yes, some of our penises may be tiny, but we make it up by being very good at pleasing ourselves in bed.
4) I (you) always thought that Fourth of July was just a time to get great sales.
Does it have to be anything else? That is exactly what that day was meant to be! A day when we can exploit already cheap merchandise and low paid employees to stay inside on a celebratory holiday to serve our selfish needs for a blender at a quarter of the price. Democracy! Capitalism! That’s my 50% off Dora the Explorer backpack!
5) Do I have to do something special during this ‘holiday’?
Well, not technically. But if you don’t celebrate I’ll brand you a terrorist all over the Internet. I would apologize but only terrorists don’t celebrate 4th (or 6th) of July. That’s what the Internet says. And it is full of truth.
Well, that’s all from me for this wonder of holidays. See you in a few months when we celebrate another holiday about old farts writing stuff!
Your patriotic dumbass,