Happy 6th of July

Welcome to July 6th!  The day when (maybe) the founding fathers signed (possibly) the Declaration of Independence.  Don’t believe me? Well fine!  Let’s just ask one of the founding fathers.  Someone get a Wiccan to summon Benjie, I really need to ask him about the latest 18th century fashion I could try.  If you’re uncomfortable with a Wiccan, thinking they could create a lying specter, then we can find a necromancer to bring John Hancock back.  We can get an answer to the question and a real John Hancock.

Some of you out there may have some questions about the founding fathers, so I have come today to answer some of the questions you haven’t asked.

1) Were the founding fathers vampires?

It was rumored that Samuel Adams may have been one, the supporting evidence being his love of violence.  However, he is not considered a founding father, so we are in the clear there.  It was also never mentioned that people have the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and a human’s jugular.  That is a good sign for me.

2) Did the founding fathers really write the founding documents knowing that in the future there would be arguments over what types of guns are protected by the second amendment rights?

Of course they knew machine guns would be invented!  In fact, in Ben Franklin’s secret notebook, he had a prototype drawing of one.  He just couldn’t figure out how to get enough fairy dust to fire the bullets.  And of course everyone at the time was arguing how they needed personal cannons.  What did they use to defend this claim?  Well there isn’t any record of people claiming they need personal cannons.  But believe me when I say that every household requires automatic weaponry and tanks!

3) How gay was Thomas Jefferson when he wrote the Declaration of Independence?

There are many arguments against this claim, but his leftist and liberal arguments say otherwise.  Only a gay man could argue that everyone has the right to life and liberty.  Pursuit of happiness?  A hidden gay agenda.  No proper Republican would give anyone the chance to live their life without adhering to some strict and absolute rules.  This is because Republicans are big, burly men.  And yes, some of our penises may be tiny, but we make it up by being very good at pleasing ourselves in bed.

4) I (you) always thought that Fourth of July was just a time to get great sales.

Does it have to be anything else?  That is exactly what that day was meant to be!  A day when we can exploit already cheap merchandise and low paid employees to stay inside on a celebratory holiday to serve our selfish needs for a blender at a quarter of the price.  Democracy!  Capitalism!  That’s my 50% off Dora the Explorer backpack!

5) Do I have to do something special during this ‘holiday’?

Well, not technically.  But if you don’t celebrate I’ll brand you a terrorist all over the Internet.  I would apologize but only terrorists don’t celebrate 4th (or 6th) of July.  That’s what the Internet says.  And it is full of truth.

Well, that’s all from me for this wonder of holidays.  See you in a few months when we celebrate another holiday about old farts writing stuff!

Your patriotic dumbass,

Cameron Campbell

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A Power Grows in the East…And It’s Fabulous!

With the end of June came a big surprise from the Supreme Court-the Supreme Court STILL exists!  I know, this comes as a surprise since everyone on it barely understands how the world functions in this day and age.  Modern technology?  They are still trying to master the computers of the 90’s.  I may be the first person to report about this, just like that British reporter who caught on that ISIS decided to fly one of their flags at a gay pride parade.  Her and I are at the forefront of breakout news.  That is why I have a secondary surprise for all the people who recognize my brilliance: The Supreme Court, which still exists, has ruled that gay marriage should be legal throughout the country.  It’s official!  State governments no longer have a say in whether gay people want to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples!  Not that they needed marriage to do that, but now they can complain about their ‘spouse’ and not their ‘partner,’ or ‘special person’ or ‘cuddle buddy’.

While some people celebrate and others try to find a cute way to say “I don’t want to get married,” there are those out there who are taking the proper action to fight back against this insanity.  One of these heroes is Rick Scarborough, ex-pastor and John McCain look alike.  He has been fighting against gay marriage with the strength and tenacity of a rabid bulldog.  Even after his plot to stop the advancement of this obvious ruling was put down, he is still kicking and has a plan of his own to put himself down.  Before the Supreme Court officials were awoken from their doctor-recommended naps, Scarborough said, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary, we will burn.”  Yes! What better way to fight a ruling that hasn’t been backed by any other branch of government than by self-immolation?  We must get behind this man and join him in a chant as he lights himself aflame for his beliefs!

Unfortunately, he has not followed through on this promise.  He told Huffington post that he did not mean it.  The statement was only meant as a reference to a spiritual song, possibly sung by Johnny Cash.  That is a much better reference than the biblical story about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  No matter how strong his reference, I cannot help but notice how he fails to follow his game plan.  Why are we not marching through the streets in complete disarray, burning to death behind our fearless and burning leader?  Was that not the plan?  I had prepared my own personal share of kerosene and a boom box with a CD that had the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  I even convinced a friend of mine to run through a gay pride parade on his motorcycle wearing a ghost rider costume.  How am I going to take a video of that scene and Rick Scarborough burning for quick internet fame if it will never occur?

Luckily, there may be a way to save this momentous occasion and have it happen as prophesied by Scarborough.  In a faraway place known as Texas, there once was a man by the name of Tom DeLay.  After failed business attempts, he felt inclined to lead the people through example by partying all night long.  This was until he found God and Christ and began to do the work of the Lord in Congress.  His career came to an end when he was accused of misappropriating funds and donations to his cause.  This was not the reason for his quitting Congress.  He felt God calling to him and knew that it was time for a change of career.  His good friend Rick Scarborough has backed DeLay as the voice of God.  Yes, it may seem odd to think of DeLay as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but it becomes more apparent when you consider Scarborough’s attempts to create the Third Great Awakening in this country:

Coming soon to a town near you.

The lives of many people have been barely affected by an American-breaking decision made by old men in ankle-length skirts.  The decision, as it stands, sets a precedent for future lawyers to use in their battles for gays and their desire to be equal in civil standings, to be just like heterosexual couples.  But one group of people, led by one man, know that same-sex marriage cannot be allowed in the secular world or it will ruin our spiritual and religious lives.

His name is Rick Scarborough, and he holds the truth about this world.  Just like Islamists, he is surprised that God has allowed such a fowl nation like the United States to live on.  He has said we are the Great Satan.

Scarborough and his friend Tom DeLay have the solution to all of our problems: Eliminate the government and replace it with religion.  No, not some dangerous religion like Islam, but a dangerous religion like Christianity.

Witness the return of Stone Age religion in the 21st century and its attempt to reconcile with the advances of this age.

The day has come….and it is good!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I am really excited about this movie!  I can only hope that it appears all over the globe so that everyone recognizes and bows down to the power of Jesus Christ, or be sent to fiery pits of hell.

Mostly, I’m just glad that this happened in the Supreme Court.  It made it so much easier to ignore the fact that three simultaneous attacks occurred in Europe.  Who wants to discuss something serious with future repercussions, when I can talk about something that has already happened that has no serious effects on the world?

Your reality-escaping author,

Cameron Campbell