I am writing to you today to express my feelings about your publication as it is still (apparently) being used by people to wrap flowers and pick up dog shit. Now that I have been given a place where I can share my voice with the world, it seems necessary that I share with everyone the threat that you pose by simply existing. Now this isn’t to say that you are a true concern of mine, but it can be argued that you could become such in the future. I am forced then to deal with you swiftly in order to protect myself, even if attacking you only gives you more power against me.
I would like to be clear! It is not that I do not respect what you do with your writing. Far from that! I can respect what you do when you write articles that explain why America should be more like the Dutch, who are the size of Maryland. They are a perfect example of what one of our states should be like, and if only the federal government could be just like a state government, well then everything would be just dandy! There is no truer statement.
Or when you write more coherent articles about the arts in paparazzi-style journalism, discussing a case about a famous man who may or may not be extradited to American for crimes from the 70’s. Who knew you were on the edge of breaking the great ‘Lady Gaga has man parts’ story. Here I thought I would be the first to make that argument.
No, it is not what you do that offends me, but how you go about it. You believe yourself to be news, informing the people with your poorly written accusation stories. Creating pieces that contain small bits of information that don’t create a proper story-who do you think you are, me?
There is only enough space in this town for one reporter who takes himself way too seriously with stories that serve no real purpose for the people. I work hard for five minutes creating my stories, just like you. And I spend seconds editing them together, just like you! But I’ll be damned if I let you go around town with that imploded belief confidence in your own work. This is no place for small-fry like you. And I will do everything in my power to show the world that between you and I, there is only one true fake-reporter. That reporter will be me.
Your non-corporate adversary,