The Clinton Family: A Private Family

As we all know, from when Bill Clinton was president, that this couple is extremely closed off and handle any marital, or business issues, outside of the public eye.  All you need to do is look at how well they handled the firing of his intern chipmunk, Monica Lewinsky.  They couldn’t outright tell her that her services were no longer needed, so they faked Monica’s memories to make her think that she had slept with the president.  Pretty sneaky, right?  But brilliant, I think we can all agree.  The only hiccup was that Monica believed it so much that she went off and faked evidence for the relationship.  And to think, only one more month and the effects of the hypnotism would have disappeared, making her a nobody once more.  The same thing happened when he was governor!  You think they would have worked out the kink in the false memories project BEFORE he became president.

But once again, the Clintons are being attacked for being private, but the attackers have changed teams, focusing their assault on the ex-Secretary of State, soon-to-be-(possible)-candidate, and already-made billionaire Hillary Clinton.  If you haven’t heard about her yet, then pull up a chair, grab your favorite ice cream with a spoon, and listen because this is the juiciest gossip.  You know how some politicians have gotten away with killing people with their cars (Laura Bush), or some people still hold office after their slow but obvious transformation into a turtle (Mitch McConnell).  Well, Hillary Clinton has just proven to be just as evil as these other politicians who claim to do things in our interest, when really they are attempting to protect themselves.  What she has done is so heinous that the very mention of this fault against our nation should cause your stomach to wrap in knots.  Calm down, I’ll still tell you what she did, so stop swinging your spoon around like that!

Here it is: Hillary Clinton used a personal email service for government work and is unwilling to give people access to her emails between her and other nations’ officials.  Now this may sound like a problem, but if you think that then you’re just blowing it out of proportion.  A personal email used for work purposes is an absolutely acceptable thing for her to do.  Just look at Anthony Weiner!  He was using snapchat to discuss a weird rash on his penis with his doctor and accidentally posted it for everyone to see.  But it began as a purely professional relationship through a social and personal tool.  The same thing applies here with Hillary.  Plus, I heard a rumor that her husband slept with a chipmunk, but don’t tell anyone.  It’s a secret.

Some republicans have been saying that this is a national security issue, and that she has put our nation in peril by not using the government system to email nations.  Perhaps some hacker would want access to her email and use it for nefarious reasons, like telling Iraq that they smell a lot like oil and shame (oh no he didn’t!).

Now I’m sure there is a perfectly legitimate reason why Hillary would decide to use an email supported by companies like Google or…someone else who may exist that have shown their ability to not protect users information as much as they say.  And one day she may deem us able to handle her answer.  But until then, we must trust her word about the emails, because a politician’s word is always reliable.

Your compulsive liar,

Cameron Campbell

Dear New York Times

I am writing to you today to express my feelings about your publication as it is still (apparently) being used by people to wrap flowers and pick up dog shit.  Now that I have been given a place where I can share my voice with the world, it seems necessary that I share with everyone the threat that you pose by simply existing.  Now this isn’t to say that you are a true concern of mine, but it can be argued that you could become such in the future.  I am forced then to deal with you swiftly in order to protect myself, even if attacking you only gives you more power against me.

I would like to be clear!  It is not that I do not respect what you do with your writing.  Far from that!  I can respect what you do when you write articles that explain why America should be more like the Dutch, who are the size of Maryland.  They are a perfect example of what one of our states should be like, and if only the federal government could be just like a state government, well then everything would be just dandy!  There is no truer statement.

Or when you write more coherent articles about the arts in paparazzi-style journalism, discussing a case about a famous man who may or may not be extradited to American for crimes from the 70’s.  Who knew you were on the edge of breaking the great ‘Lady Gaga has man parts’ story. Here I thought I would be the first to make that argument.

No, it is not what you do that offends me, but how you go about it.  You believe yourself to be news, informing the people with your poorly written accusation stories.  Creating pieces that contain small bits of information that don’t create a proper story-who do you think you are, me?

There is only enough space in this town for one reporter who takes himself way too seriously with stories that serve no real purpose for the people.  I work hard for five minutes creating my stories, just like you.  And I spend seconds editing them together, just like you!  But I’ll be damned if I let you go around town with that imploded belief confidence in your own work.  This is no place for small-fry like you.  And I will do everything in my power to show the world that between you and I, there is only one true fake-reporter.  That reporter will be me.

Your non-corporate adversary,

Cameron Campbell