Questions For The New Year

Dear Sheep,

A shepherd is here to lead you into the new year! Now I know with a new year comes the ‘same old same old’, but that won’t be true for 2016. This is the year that we should think bigger, imagine harder, and use more Viagra to get harder and longer-lasting hard-ons! I feel that I lost track of what I was discussing, but to be clear, I do not have a problem. It was a long day and I was tired.

So, to try and help you get started for this exciting and young year, I decided that instead of giving you the answers, I thought I would offer you some questions. Warning: these questions should not be posed to a particular group of people. I can’t mention them directly since I’m their bitch, but you have been warned. Don’t go near THEM.

Pending anymore interruptions from the reptilians…No, I only said it because Jeff said it-oh good, they took Jeff. Anyway, on with the questions!

When is a good time to ask your doctor about getting the new and exciting miracle cure?

Answer: A man doesn’t ask, he takes.

(I couldn’t resist giving an answer. Sue me. But know that I have some very good imagination lawyers. Then can do high multiplication.)

When will people remember what matters and work towards a future that will make things better for all?

Correction: Why should I make things better for all, if I can make things better for me? Eventually my “wellness” will trickle down into society. Think about it.

When is the best time to have sex with a girl: after kidnapping her or in the middle of a mash pit?

Answer: You should have a blow-up doll waiting at home.

Do you know the muffin man?

Correction: Do you know about the muffin man’s cocaine addiction?

Will there be another Justin Bieber album?

Answer: It’s 2016, right? Get over it.

I would apologize for the answers to some of these questions, but you came here for answers first. Please don’t stick to my answers if you don’t like them. Feel free to find your own.  But beware, if they are not correct, you will be put on a humiliation display that will rival the whore shaming shackles of old! So go out and be free my sheep, until I send my dogs to recollect you and put you back in your pen.

Your master who is servant to another master,

Cameron Campbell

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2015 Review: 2016 Style

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My dear followers,

This may be the most exciting thing that you read about the year that we know as 2015. Now as I know some of you can get distracted by all the pretty colors and lights in the background, I will attempt to give you a quick explanation about the page.

It starts by talking about how my page is like a San Francisco Tram. I think they mean that I can take you around the city and smell like a port a potty in the summer heat all year round. Not sure why that is appealing, but there must be a few smell fetishists who read this website. All across the board, the most popular post this year was What Brand Race Are You? It had the most views. This isn’t a surprise since most people don’t know they are of a race. I’m a Syfy and proud of it!

Though many of you have been diligent and pay attention to this wonderful page, others have not been tuning in to hear the answers to questions they haven’t asked. I know you read other blogs, watched television shows, and the occasional porno for business purposes. We all make mistakes. I understand that. I have a young intern who makes mistakes all the time (I don’t personally make mistakes, I’m perfect). But those are all in the past now. Those were the mistakes of 2015. I’m sure in 2016, you will all do the right thing and come to this blog. It does, after all, contain the answers to all your unasked questions.

So whether you didn’t ask about why your cat doesn’t meow after death, or how a car battery can best be used to hurt a person, come to this blog! It’s guaranteed to have at least one answer that will have you asking, “Who in their right mind would ever ask that question?”

Your out-of-touch-with-reality spokesman,

Cameron Campbell

 

P.S.  If you have a question for Cameron Campbell or the (real) author of this site, either about the past year or the upcoming year, send an email to camcampbellchat@gmail.com

If you want to follow Cameron Campbell on other social outlets, you can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Path. A Tumblr shall be coming soon, so stay tuned!

P.S.S.-A Note From The Author-Thank you so much for such a great year everyone! Its been really fun getting to vaguely know some of you and to share my brand of comedy with people who appear to understand what I am saying. It’s been a really fun experience creating all these wonderfully ridiculous stories for you all. I look forward to another year with you and hope that you all come back for what should be an exciting second year on this blog!

Celebrating 1,000 Views: That’s All You Got?

Internet junkies and people who trying Internet just this one time!  Today is a historic day for those of you who stop and pay attention to something truly astonishing.  This website, that I so graciously began so that you can read all my incoherent ramblings, has finally reached 1,000 views!  Seeing as I have only had 567 visitors to the site, doubling the views ain’t so bad!

But this is not enough people.  Have you not read the title of this website?  You Didn’t Ask, But I’ll Answer.  Just because you haven’t asked, does not mean you don’t deserve an answer.  People need to know what they don’t care about.  Just as I am not satisfied with this result, neither should you.

Tell more people about this site.  Shove it in their faces that they are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.  Tell them about that one time I called Saudi Arabia a BDSM nation.  Remember that?  I don’t, but as lovers of this site, you should!

So get out there on your different social media sites.  Go on Twitter and Facebook and Myspace (it still exists!?), go to message boards and comments boxes and Instagram, go all over the web to any place that you can find that allows to insert text then copy/paste this link to them right now!  Because no one should be left in the cold and alone without any idea that I am here to offer them a blanket that I know no longer use.  It has a big hole in it.  I didn’t have sewing equipment so I just give it away as is.

If everyone who visits this site tells others, and those people tell other people they know, then we might just hit 2,000 views by the end of next year.

Your broke and spiritless author,

Cameron Campbell

I Pledge Allegiance

I pledge allegiance, to my pal, Cameron Campbell, Md, P.H.D., Miss

and to his awesome blog, though unfinished, since it’s bros before hoes.

Indivisible, for his body is made of flesh and bone.

I pledge to all my followers that I have nothing I hold sacred except for my body, which is a temple for booze and sex.  All my stories shall be created with the same amount of care that a five year old spends building a model version of the space needle-a few months ground work, a number of drafts, the hiring and firing of those to create the framework, completion of the final project.  They are fascinating creatures five year olds.  This pledge is a solemn promise to all those who spend the time here with me.  And so long as you, my followers, repeat this pledge once every morning, your prayers shall be heard and noted, and with those prayers I shall erect more mental delicacies.

Your Man,

Cameron Campbell

P.S. It’s Mrs. now

American voters scream “Barabbas!”

Warning: I am about to mix religion and politics. In the biblical story of Barabbas, the religious leaders of Roman-occupied Israel have brought Jesus to be crucified. Pilate, seeing that Jesus has committed no crimes, offers the crowd a choice of which prisoner to release: Jesus, or the prisoner Barabbas, an insurrectionist. The religious leaders […]

https://effarayenjayeye.wordpress.com/2017/01/25/american-voters-scream-barabbas/

My Brain is a Prehistoric Babe Magnet

Evolutionary psychologists argue that the human brain evolved as an entertainment device for male hominids competing to impress females.            Charlotte Allen, The New Dating Game, The Weekly Standard   Me and my buddies Ug and Nutz were hangin’ around, taking a break from hunting and gathering. Ug seemed kinda down in the dumps […]

https://conchapman.wordpress.com/2016/11/22/my-brain-is-a-prehistoric-babe-magnet-2/

How the War on Christmas Got Started

It’s getting to be that time again. Evergreen trees, red bulbs, and nonstop “Santa Baby” repeats on the radio. Yes folks, it’s about to be Christmas time. Or as these liberals would want us to call it, “the Holiday Season.” Ugh. Fox News, particularly the principled Sean Hannity and the always right Bill O’Reilly, has […]

https://davidapino.wordpress.com/2016/11/22/how-the-war-on-christmas-got-started/

Breitbart Got It Right

I like to spend time each evening reading pieces that make me think. Since someone stole my People magazine (You know who you are! Don’t even!), I was at a loss as to what to do. I could have borrowed a book, I suppose, but Goodnight, Moon frustrates me, and the politics in Peter Rabbit […]

https://becomingcliche.wordpress.com/2016/11/21/breitbart-got-it-right/

Sunday Review: Starbucks Cup Strikes Back

As Thanksgiving comes around for another year, so it is also time to ignore it and go straight to Christmas. Ah Christmas, the more joyful and more marketable version of Hanukkah. No Santa, no reindeer, no celebrating. Sorry Jews, looks like you’ll have to settle for being the second-best holiday by default since no other holidays exist. Christmas is a time for annoyed passengers on crowded public transportation, beating your fellow human to get the last merchandise on the shelf because your little princess needs another doll she will only play with for two months, and screaming at your neighbor to turn off his display. I don’t care that they are bulbs made from the actual sand where Jesus was born, Carl, I need to sleep!

And just like every year for the past two years, it is also time to celebrate the holiest of holy traditions: Defending personal, religious faith through secular symbols on our coffee cups. Starbucks took a lot of heat last year from Fox News and now President-elect Donald Trump because they did not have any “Christmas” decorations on their cups. At first I was like, “Hey, a company has nothing to do with how I celebrate my religious holiday. Also, how is this news?”

I was about to go about my day when I realized why I was meant to be angry. We MUST be angry if we are Christian. Not because the cup was anti-Christmas. The plain cup symbolized the unity of people of different cultures and religion under one coffee cup. I don’t even allow that type of unity under my nation’s flag! So like any good person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and can’t handle anything that disagrees with them, I followed the lesson of the old adage: the customer is always belligerent.

After our success of knocking their stock percentage down two percent for a month, we all waited with bated breath to see how they would react this year. Twitter was open with our thumbs at the ready. Instead of angry protests with the hashtag #notmycoffee, people were surprised to find that the company was using Christmas themes again. Starbucks launched an instagram campaign and chose 13 cup designs from 13 women to ensure that their sales don’t dip at all this year. Hooray for us! We bullied a company who makes shitty coffee to make a cup design we like! We are the victorious who will now give them all of our hard-earned money! There is nothing more satisfying than directly aiding a company by telling them EXACTLY what they must do to get our money.

So there is no more to be said about Starbucks this year. They did everything right. Oh wait, there was that one thing. Timothy Treadstone, a true patriot who is still learning how the world works, decided to “test his first amendment rights” at his local Starbucks. He asked the employee to put Trump on his cup. When the employee refused, Treadstone began recording and explaining how he could get whatever he wanted on the menu with whichever name he desires.

After #trumpcup started trending, people online began to bash the movement as the worst boycott they have ever heard. Treadstone replied saying, “This is a social experiment…This is just something we’re doing to keep Starbucks accountable. We want to help out our economy, keep people accountable and have a little fun.”

This is a brilliant scheme. Pay money to find out if someone is willing to say a name that they write on a cup. If they don’t do it, film them not doing something they are not contractually expected to do. I’m not sure how this holds Starbucks accountable, or what they are accountable for, but I can’t see any downside to this campaign.

My freedom of speech is being infringed by your freedom of speech and I’m documenting the whole thing! And I’ll be paying today with Visa. See you tomorrow when I come back to test your other employees and try that new pumpkin spice latte #basicbitch.

There is no better way to show a company that they cannot control you than by walking through their doors and giving them money for services rendered. Take that Starbucks! I’ll be by soon myself after I buy pre-made food from a store that is probably in bed with you.

Your caffeine/corporate slave,

Cameron Campbell

Don't ask and ye shall receive! Don't know what to be angry or confused about? Then this is the place to be. I have politics, music, a clown to keep you entertained when I'm away, and many more topics that you don't care about. Come, join the dark side. We have cookies. Have any questions or comments on my thoughts, but you don't want to express them for the world to see? Just contact me at camcampbellchat@gmail.com

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